Creating a blended family: The effects of divorce on children

Divorce, remarriage, and trying to create a functional blended family are hard things to get through. Unfortunately, adults usually focus on themselves and fail to notice how tough things are on the kids during a divorce. Here a few tips to help your children through a divorce, long before you begin thinking of, or developing a step family.

Communication

Sit down and be honest with the kids. Tell them that dad and mom will no longer be married or living together. There is no need to go into further details. Those are adult topics, and children do not need to be privy to the exact reasons you have decided to get a divorce. This same level of communication will be needed down the road if remarriage and a blended family come about.

Are you sure it’s over?

There is no need to hold on to something that isn’t there, but make sure it really is over. If there is any hope of working things out, then try going to a marriage counselor to talk about things. The kids do not need to be a part of that. If you come to the conclusion that your marriage really is through, then start making the necessary changes. Help the children through it one-step at a time. Don’t say something about a stepfamily out of anger, as this will just confuse the kids even more.

The necessary changes will include separating, and staying separated. Kids will just become more confused if dad is coming over to have dinner and paint the garage and fence on the weekends. Move all the property of the non-custodial parent to their new home, and remove any family photos that were on the walls. There is no need to throw them away, as they are still great memories, but just tuck them away somewhere. You can keep photos of the kids, but not photos with the former couple together.

Talk to your children about their relationship with you

Tell your kids how much you love them, and that you always will. Make sure they know that none of what has happened is their fault and that there is nothing they can do to change things. There will be some drastic changes in their life, but it is important for them to know that your love will never change.

Patience

Divorce is a severe change for your children, and you need to keep things as normal as you can. Continue to enforce all the rules and keep everyone’s schedule as normal as possible. You will all get through this tough time. Life is constantly changing, sometimes in good ways and other times on not-so-good ways. Let the kids know that what is happening is beyond their control and that you are always available to chat about anything that concerns them.

If you need help with managing your blended or stepfamily, The Blended and Step Family Resource Center is more than willing to provide you with counseling and coaching, which you can use to navigate your way into a strong and successful blended family life with those you love.

How to maintain balance in your blended family or step family

This is a scenario played out all too often in a blended family. The kids aren’t getting along, your spouse seems upset, and you feel like you haven’t had a moment to yourself in eons! This means that the balance in your stepfamily is thrown off. Maintaining balance within a blended family is much harder than a typical family with a single mom, dad, and kids who live there all the time. Things get much more difficult when you throw divorce, remarriage, step kids and a step mom or step dad into the mix.

You can’t live without balance and just concentrate on whoever is complaining the most. Going from person to person trying to deal with issues may seem like you are helping everyone, when in actuality, you are helping no one. Therefore, the big question is wondering how to create the necessary balance.

Here are some instruction of how to achieve and maintain a balance in your blended family.

Make some time just for you. There can’t possibly be enough time each day to be able to dedicate time for yourself. Well, that may be true to some extent, but you better find some! The truth is that if you keep going and going, doing everything you can to ensure that your blended family is cared for, you will end up completely burnt out and be virtually useless to them. Just stop and think about those really bad days you have with your step family.

You know which days I mean- the ones where you quickly lose your temper and are storming around the house crying or yelling at every member of your blended family. You find yourself unable to be a good spouse or loving parent. Yep, those are the days. This is when you have not taken care of yourself well enough. Loving your step family means loving yourself. The truth is that you can’t please everyone 24 hours a day, so stop trying and look out for yourself now and again. You deserve a little “me” time.

Relax: There are many ways you can unwind after a long and hectic day. You could take a nice long bath, read a great book, and have a sip of wine or tea. Perhaps going for a walk to the gym relaxes you. Thinking that you don’t have time for this is not acceptable, because you can make the time. What you don’t have time for is NOT relaxing! Just think of what relaxes you and work it into your schedule somewhere. Write these down on a list and post it for yourself.

Stay energized: Just as important as relaxing is staying upbeat and energized. So, what energizes you and provides you with strength? How about a shopping trip or a movie? What about a nice phone conversation with your best friend? Figure out which activity gives you strength and work that into your routine at least a few times each month. You will be surprised at how much better you will be able to function in your blended family once you do this.

If you need advice with your blended or stepfamily, The Blended and Step Family Resource Center is ready to assist you with its counseling and coaching services, as well as other resources aimed at promoting strong and successful blended and stepfamilies. Contact us today and let us help to provide you with answers.

The first 90 days are the toughest in a blended or stepfamily

Two adults, who have gone through a divorce and are now entering remarriage, when one or both are bringing children from that marriage, are creating a blended family or step family. This new couple is obviously in love and excited about their bond. Unfortunately, they often fail to realize that the children may not share their enthusiasm.

The first three months are always the toughest, and it’s crucial to communicate important information to the children. This will allow you to flourish as a blended family, also called a step family. Here are a few things to discuss with your children.

Everyone is loved just as much as always

All children must be reminded each day that a stepfamily offers just as much love as any other type of family. Everyone is just as important now as they were before the merge. A blended family offers a chance for even more love, as more people are involved now. There will now be a step mom or step dad, as well as step kids involved, which creates more opportunities for love.

It is OK to feel strange about a new family addition

You obviously love the person you have chosen as your new partner, but your kids didn’t help pick this person out, and they will need time to get to know him or her. Let your kids know that having strange feelings towards the blended family, and wondering whether they will like your spouse is perfectly normal. Allow them their space to get to know your new spouse in their own time. As long as they are friendly and respectful, that’s all you can ask for at first.

Nothing is ever a competition

There is plenty of room for a step mom or step dad, and they are not replacing anyone. The kids still have both their biological parents to depend on, and a stepparent is just a wonderful addition to the family. The stepparent will be respected as an adult and decision maker, but will not be stepping into the shoes of either biological parent. Children often see a stepparent as an enemy of sorts, and the parent may often feel the same way, since the kids take up some of their spouse’s time. Make sure everyone knows that they just need to relax and get acquainted with each other.

Liking a new stepparent is OK

Kids don’t deal with the emotions in a divorce as well as adults do. They will often feel that if they allow themselves to grow attached to a stepparent that they are somehow being disrespectful to the biological parent. Just tell your children that it is perfectly acceptable, and that it will just be a different type of relationship. The love they feel for their parents has nothing to do with liking a new stepparent.

As already mentioned, the first 90 days in a blended family are the hardest. Getting plenty of rest and sticking to these rules will ensure that your step family is emotionally happy and healthy for a long, long time.

The Blended and Step Family Resource Center aims to help blended and stepfamilies become strong and successful through its counselling and coaching services as well as other resources available. To get the help that you need, get in touch with our licensed professional counselors and we will help you find solutions and hope.

How to co-parent with your ex for the betterment of your blended family

Your divorce has long since been finalized, and you have moved on and begun a new life through remarriage. Whether you like it or not, your ex will still be in your life when you have children together. You must maintain contact, mainly because it is in the children’s best interest. In order to create a functional blended family, you will have to practice co-parenting with your ex-spouse. This will require added effort and time, but is necessary for the emotional well-being of your children, and your step family in general.

Maintain your sanity

The emotions of your ex may get to you, but don’t take it personally. At times, an ex-spouse will display feelings that are highly inappropriate. For example; you might not be able to attend your daughter’s dance recital, resulting in a 5-minute tirade being left on your answering system. Just take a step back and understand that he or she is just showing disappointment in how you might be making your daughter feel by not coming. The feelings behind the message are acceptable, but the added anger is not. Just let it roll off your back and don’t bother responding.

Focus on the kids

Your communication should concern the children, and that’s it. There is no longer a need to talk about daily events, or anything to do with your own new blended family or stepfamily as a whole, or even other step kids. The only remaining relationship you have with your ex is that of your children, and that is all you need to discuss.

Stay organized

Complete a calendar that focuses on visitation in advance. Follow the specifications set forth by your divorce agreement and make arrangements for special event sand occasions well in advance. Children like to know what is happening, and when. A great idea is present each child with their own personal visitation calendar that they can carry around with them.

Be fair

Keep in mind that by arranging time for the kids to spend with each parent is doing what is in their best interest. There is never an excuse to cheat the other parent out of scheduled time, nor is there ever a valid reason to cancel any of your allotted time.

Holidays should be alternated each year. Let your kids know that celebrating their birthday a day late or Christmas on the following weekend doesn’t detract from how special the event is. You can make it seem fun to celebrate occasions on different days. What kid doesn’t want more than one birthday or Christmas?

Be flexible

Occasionally, special events can come up at a moments notice. If your ex needs to switch up the visitation schedule temporarily, try to be flexible. If you start to notice that this is happening frequently, then you may need to put your foot down and require at least a few weeks notice on visitation changes. However, always leave room to accommodate for emergencies.

Conclusion

Always do what you know is best for your children. Always maintain an open line of communication with your children. Encourage them to let you know of any upcoming events so that you will not only remain an active participant in their lives, but you will be able to make any necessary plans for events.

The Blended and Step Family Resource Center aims to help blended and stepfamilies through its counselling and coaching services as well as other resources available. To get the help that you need, get in touch with our licensed professional counselors and we will help you find solutions and hope.

Being a stepmom in a blended family

Being a stepmom in a blended or step family is probably one of the toughest roles a woman can have. And for good reason. Being a stepmom requires you to take the role and responsibility of being a good wife to your new partner and a good stepmom to his kids while having your own kids to worry about. All this is uncharted territory not only to you, but also to them.

As a stepmom, you have a tremendous responsibility if you want to make things work in your blended family. It may seem overwhelming at first, but there are things you need to focus on to avoid the trap of making the wrong actions that would cause your blended family setting to fail.

·         Never make your husband choose you over the children. You are not competing with your step kids.

·         Take time to get to know your step kids – what they like, don’t like, or are interested in.

·         Be sure to recognize the special days and events in the lives of your husband’s children.

·         Treat your own children and step kids equally and make sure they see it.

·         When your step kids come to visit, don’t leave the sleeping arrangements to your husband, or let the kids figure things out on their own. As the step mom in a blended family, you need to make sure that the kids know they have a certain place to call their own when they come.

·         There should be the same set of rules for your children and your husband’s kids. A blended family means blended rules.

·         Allow your step kids to have friends over.

·         Be sure to give your step kids “alone time” with dad when they come for a visit.

Remember that when you choose a man who has children, you choose his kids as well. At the same time, you are promising to love and nurture them as you do your own children. They may not recognize and appreciate your efforts at first, but if you show consistency at it, they will know what you mean soon enough.

If you want to know how you can better take your role as a stepmom in a blended family, The Blended and Step Family Resource Center is a good place to start with. We offer counseling and coaching services to step parents who want to achieve balance in their blended family setting. Contact us today and start your way to a better blended family life.

How to keep your blended or stepfamily intact

Couples who go through a divorce and remarriage experience a tough time of their lives. The same thing happens to their kids. In most cases, those involved often experience feelings of anger, resentment, frustration, and guilt. There are things that step parents can do to soften the impact and negative effects of the divorce and remarriage to their children, and eventually find a place in their new stepfamily.

1. Avoid negative talks. Refrain from speaking negative things about the children’s other parent, or better yet, about anybody involved in your blended family. Negative talks promote negative feelings, which is detrimental to the emotional health of your blended family.

2. Train your children. No children are expert blended family members – they have no user’s manual to refer to whenever they become confused with their situation. They only have your guidance to cling to in order for them to stay in line and live normal lives. They need to know that being in a blended or stepfamily is not a bad thing and that each member of the stepfamily has the responsibility to support each other.

3. Keep an open line of communication.  Encouraging your children to speak their minds about your stepfamily creates an atmosphere of openness and avoids buildup of concerns that may later explode and become more difficult to manage.

Divorce and remarriage often results in less than friendly situation for many people. Time-tested guidelines can help to keep a positive outlook and provide hope to better manage the negative effects of the situation. These guidelines help to a great extent in improving your chances of creating and keeping a strong and solid blended and stepfamily.

Do you need advice with your stepfamily? The Blended and Step Family Resource Center is the right place for you to find the help you are seeking. Avail of our counseling and coaching services which are aimed at helping you achieve the success that you long for with your blended and stepfamily.

Dealing with a death of a stepfamily member

If I am a part of a stepfamily but have a family of my own, am I under obligation to attend a stepfamily member’s funeral?

This is one question that, although quite complicated, you must have to deal with if you are a member of a stepfamily. It may be easy for some, but for others, it is much different. However, there are factors that may influence your decision when in a situation like this:

1.       The kind of relationship you have with the one who died. If your attendance at the funeral may cause any hard and unkind feelings towards the dead or those who are living, it may be prudent not to go. Otherwise, you need to keep in mind that attending the funeral is a way of honoring the dead stepfamily member as well as showing respect for the living relatives.

2.       Distance/proximity to your stepfamily. If you live close to members of your stepfamily, and it’s convenient for you to attend, do so. However, if distance becomes a hindrance to your presence in the event, make sure to do all that you can to convey your condolences.

3.       Conflict in schedules. Your attendance in your stepfamily’s funeral would probably be welcome to your stepfamily’s relatives and would do you good one way or another in terms of your relationship to the deceased and to the relatives. But if the event happens in conflict with a previously-set engagement that cannot be altered or rescheduled, that is beyond your control and is understandable. Again, make sure to send your condolences by sending a card or a bunch of flowers, and by making sure the family knows your heart goes out to them and you deeply regret not being able to attend.

Make all possible efforts to attend if you can, if only to preserve or reminisce the good memories you had with the deceased stepfamily member. Otherwise, the best way to handle this kind of situation is to be completely sincere and to do the right things at the right time. There are no fixed rules on how to deal with the death of a stepfamily member nor stepfamily funeral etiquette. The bottom line here is you can honestly say to yourself that you have made the efforts to be at peace with everybody.

If you need advice regarding how your family can better cope with the demands of a stepfamily life, The Blended and Step Family Resource Center offers telephone coaching services to provide you with useful ways to positively handle a stepfamily relationship. Avail of our resources and let us help you discover the difference.