Why some blended families do not get along and fail

The number of blended families in America is growing, and so are the problems associated with blended family living. Statistics show that the number of blended families today is twice the number ten years ago, and that more than 1,300 blended families are created each day. That’s a lot! But what is really alarming is that six out of ten of these blended families fail and eventually break up.

Why is it that more blended families fail than succeed? There are various reasons for blended families to become incompatible, but when you really try to look at it, to look past the arguing, the fighting, the yelling, and the finger pointing, it all comes down to two main problems:

1. Selfishness. This is manifested when a parent, or both, wants their own personal agenda to prevail in the home regardless of the consequences. Parents may want their own child to get the best of everything and will constantly try, even obviously at times, to see that it is so.

2. Lack of trust. This occurs when a biological parent will be on the lookout for a partner’s verbal and non-verbal expressions and actions that will be used to interpret any form of unfairness done towards them. This results in the non-biological parent’s feeling of being constantly watched and scrutinized. Often, misinterpretation is the product of this behavior, which would further lead to accusations and verbal assaults that would effectively create a gap between them.

Most blended and step families start out with affection and love, but eventually loose direction in the troubled waters of blended family life. The Blended and Step Family Resource Center has resources to assist those blended families having difficulty navigating the course towards a strong and successful blended family relationship. Call today and start your road to a more rewarding blended or step family life.

Is there a need to keep a balance in your step family?

Living out of balance is one of the most common issues in stepfamilies today.  One of the primary causes of divorce is when the parents live out of balance and put their main focus on the kids rather than their marriage.  Many marriages do not survive because couples fail to put their marriage in the center of their family life. This includes the blended family life. By learning and applying sound principles in your blended and step family home, you can create and keep a balance that is crucial to the success of your family relationship.

·         Find time for yourself.  To stay healthy and sane, you must schedule time for yourself.  If you keep running just to make sure that everyone in your step family is happy, you will soon forget yourself and burn out and be worthless to your family and to yourself. If you truly want to love your family, you need to learn how to love yourself. You will feel stronger physically, mentally and emotionally after you have regular times to renew your spirit, your soul and your body.  Your family will appreciate a stronger, healthier, and happier you.

·         Time to Relax. Take time to unwind from a busy day. Turn on the TV and watch your favorite talk show, read a good novel, drink a cup of tea or a glass of wine on your porch. If you are saying to yourself that you don’t have time for these things-, you’re wrong. Figure out what makes you calm and make room for these activities in your day. Include this in your “to-do” list every day. At least 1-2 times a month, take time to treat yourself by going shopping or doing something special- just for you.

·         Keep memories of special times. Find a box to keep special memories in. Put cards (birthday, mother’s day/father’s day, anniversary, thank-you notes) – anything you receive, that makes you feel good about yourself, into this box.  If someone gives you a compliment, write it down and put it in your box.  Periodically, go through your box and read these compliments and praises.

·         Spend time with your partner. Remember that you entered this marriage because you love your partner, saw a second chance at life, a chance to make things right this time, and have a great marriage. Spend time with your spouse!  Your marriage should be in the center of the family, not the kids. The two of you should connect daily, and plan at least a couple of times a month to get away from the kids and just enjoy life together. It doesn’t have to be an expensive, out of town vacation, it can be a quiet dinner, looking into your love’s eyes and just listening to them talk.  What’s important is that you are continuing to get to know your mate, pay attention to his or her interests, and make him or her your first priority.

·         Do your best with the kids. Take a couple of days to give one-on-one time to each child. Make it a special time so that they will look forward to it with excitement, even if it’s just once a week, in which they will go on an errand or activity with their parent and get some quality one-on-one time.

Your family is important- and creating a healthy balance means dedicating time to yourself, your spouse, parent/child time and blended family time.  This is not easy, but it’s crucial that you figure out and keep a balance for you and your step family. Providing your family with a stable and healthy environment for them to thrive and mature requires balance.

If you need help with your blended and stepfamily, The Blended and Step Family Resource Center has resources to offer, which are designed to help you and your family achieve a healthy and balanced life.

Why guidelines are important when an adult stepson moves in

A stepson who decides to move in with you and his biological father could present challenges to you and your stepfamily. To achieve and maintain harmony in your blended family, it is crucial to set boundaries and guidelines, so as not to leave room for misunderstanding and confusion. Discussing and having guidelines in place beforehand is key to a successful stepfamily living.

You and your partner need to agree upon and formulate the guidelines which you will have implemented in your home. These guidelines should be made with a disciplinary approach that eliminates misunderstanding and confusion about your expectations. You can start with the “who, what, when, where, and how” basics for your plan. Agree with your partner about the rules and expectations.

A good set of guidelines should include basic responsibilities in the home such as helping with meals and cleanup, laundry, and similar chores. Other rules may include curfew, use of the family car, smoking, drinking, and friends coming over. As an adult, your stepson should have the initiative to conduct himself accordingly in a decent and acceptable manner.

In addition to the guidelines, a plan should be setup for your stepson’s career goals and employment. No matter how hard things are with the economy, a consistent effort should be made to make this plan work which is aimed at his independence and, eventually, his own family life.

The Blended and Step Family Resource Center aims to help step families conquer the challenges of life in a blended family setting. A successful blended family life does not happen overnight nor is it easy. By adhering to proven principles that work, it becomes attainable when applied with consistency and discipline.

Blended family: Moving forward positively as a divorced and remarried mom

As a divorced mother who has remarried, you may find yourself being overwhelmed with a lot of changes in your life having to deal with a blended family. Remarriage is inevitable after a divorce and this will put you in a situation where drastic adjustments have to be made not only by you but by your kids. This goes the same for your new partner and step kids. By adhering to time-tested and proven rules for a successful blended family living, you will be on the road to achieving the kind of stepfamily life you want, where there is a complete adjustment for everyone involved, mutual understanding and respect, and happiness that is bound to last.

1.       Work as a team on the visitation schedule: Proper planning is key when it comes to visitation schedules. You also need to be flexible for changes and emergencies.

2.       Avoid sabotage: Being a parent of a blended family involves great responsibility. This means doing what is best for the children, rather than trying to exact a measure of a revenge for something that happened years ago before your divorce.

3.       Avoid negative comments: In a blended family, everyone has the responsibility to adapt accordingly and try to get along well with one another. Part of this responsibility is to avoid speaking negatively of anybody involved in the new family. This includes your children’s new step mom, who is responsible for the care of your children when they are at dad’s house.

4.       Choose a new partner for the right reasons: Your list for a new husband needs to be a little more specific now- because you aren’t just looking for a mate, but also someone to co-parent your kids. You need someone who is willing to begin, on day one, as part of a blended family and be willing to get to know and love your children as if they were his own.

5.       Don’t be needy: By needy means financially needy. Be considerate of your ex-husband’s legal financial obligations and do not oblige him for more.

It is important to focus on moving forward positively, and beginning life again with your new family. To have a stepfamily is to have another chance at married life with new challenges, which can give you an opportunity to be a more complete person as a wife to your new partner and a mother to your step kids. You and your spouse can provide a stable, loving home, and one that can help your kids adjust and move forward from the divorce and face other life changes more easily with your guidance and direction.

Achieving success in a blended family life.

A step family, also called a blended family, is not uncommon where about 7 in 10 remarriages include children from a previous relationship. However, the process of a family “blending” to begin a stepfamily is not always a smooth ride, in fact, it rarely is. In most cases, children resist the changes they have to deal with, while disappointment or frustration is common for parents like you when your expectations with your new family do not work.

A successful relationship with a blended family is a result of proper planning on your part, sufficient time for adjustment for everyone involved, realistic expectations, sound guiding principles, and the commitment to make things work and live together harmoniously. The creation of a healthy blended family life involves:

1.       Mutual respect

2.       Open and healthy communication

3.       Positive attitude

4.       Tons of love

5.       Patience that endures

Your divorce may have been difficult for you, but keep in mind that a stepfamily is new to you, your partner, your children, and your stepkids. As it is, there is a tremendous demand for emotional adjustment for everyone in the circle. Focusing on your new family is key to properly and quickly adjust to the relationship. By consistently upholding the right principles of effective blended family living, you too can achieve what others already have. Remember that to successfully live as blended family is difficult, but is not impossible.

Why Discipline should remain Even in a Blended Family?

Your kids have been through a lot. First, their parent separated and then got divorced. And now, a parent (or even both parents) has remarried to another person, which has now created a brand new blended family. You wonder, should you give your kids a break and loosen up on discipline or not?

Sometimes, we think that it's best to let kids get loose for once. But that may not be so. Why? well, here are the reason for blended family discipline to remain the same.

• Even with a new marriage, your values still remain the same and you should always continue to teach your children the difference between what's right and what's wrong.
• You may not know this but boundaries and guidelines can show that you love your children.
• Your kids have been through a lot and having discipline actually provides consistency and security to your kids when there are a lot of things changing in their lives.

Now for the crucial question, how do we handle our step kids?

When you decided to be in a blended family, you decided to accept your new spouse and his/herkids. It is now your task to take care and look after them. Discipline is also an important aspect in this. The both of you should discuss house rules and standards for all family members to follow. To both adults, you should always consider fair discipline. Respecting each other's way of parenting is important, but you should still come to a mutual understanding and agreement of how all children (both biological and step) will be treated and disciplined at home. Now is the time for you two to sit down and discuss about the guidelines and boundaries for all your kids at home.

EQUAL treatment to all kids

All kids should be treated fairly and equally. This is important after both of you have created house rules, such as:

• No eating in the living room
• No TV after 9pm on a school night
• Everyone helps clean the kitchen after meals

You can still add more rules, depending on what the two of you have decided. These rules will apply to every child in your family. As for the consequences, it can be different depending on the age differences and development stage. Just make sure that consequences are equal and fair, for both your biological child and step child.

Reminder: it may help enforce discipline if the adults also follow the same rules. You wouldn't want your kids to see you eat in the living room yet none of them can right?

The biological parent should take the lead

The biological parent should always take the lead in front of the kids. The new stepparent should be be perceived as the "heavy," or the enforcer of house rules. Give time for your spouse to get to know his/her new step kids, and after ample bonding time, the stepparent can now enforce the consequences of disobeying any family rules.

Be CONSISTENT

Rules that are agreed upon should be kept and applied every day. Don't change any rules because of some factors, such as you are tired or you  (or your spouse) are out of town or out of the house.

Dispense with any secret agreements (or alliances) with your biological kids

If you just change rules because your spouse is not at home, this can cause your children not to respect their stepparent and develop a notion that the bond between them and you is much stronger than the bond between parents. Remember that your relationship with your spouse should take priority. Having a strong relationship with your spouse creates a stable and consistent environment for all your kids. And this consistency and stability will make your children feel secure and can be the precursor for a strong, successful, and united blended family.

If you want to know more, check the Blended and Step Family Resource Center now.

5 Golden Rules for Grandparents in a Blended Family

You and your new spouse have had some time getting to know each other and have now decided to blend your gamilies. Even though you are already adults, hopefully you still introduce your new love to your parent/s before the wedding. And after the wedding is over, it is now time to help your Mom and Dad with some tips on how to respond to your newly blended family.

Talk to your Mom or Dad about these things.

Tip 1- Treat each grandkid EQUALLY and FAIRLY

Being the grandparent of a much larger family may be new to you. But you need to remember that your grandkids will always look up to you, both your biological and step grandkids. For your new step grandkids, it is best that you treat them similarly to how you treat your real grandkids. Remember, they are waiting and watching to see if you will be fair to all. If your biological grandkids call you "grandmother or grandfather", then also inviste your new step grandkids to call you "grandmother or grandfather". If you hug your grandchildren when you see them, hug your step grandchildren too.

Dispense with the "biological" and "step" labels as soon as you can. Keeping these lables in your head may cause you to treat all your grandchildren unequally.

Tip 2- Express interest in each child

Make time to learn about your new step grandchildren: their activities, friends, or hobbies. Figure out what makes each child unique. These endeavors will help you feel more comfortable around them and will also help you get to know them better.

Tip 3- Remember special days

Acknowledge birthdays, school events, or any other special activities of your new step grandkids. At the beginning of each year, mark all special events on the calendar. You can even purchase birthday cards or gifts cards for all your grandkids at the same time. That way, you are fair to all and will not forget anyone.

Aside from that, don't forget your new daughter or son in-law too. Greeting them with a card on their birthday will help show your support for the marriage. Share information about your family history or family recipes, in that way, you are helping your new daughter or son in-law feel that he/she is a part of your family.

Tip 4- Do not reminisce about the PAST

Your adult child has divorced and moved on to a new marriage. Recalling the good times in their old marriage is not going to help blending the new marriage. Take the old wedding photos off the wall and put them away in a special album. It is OK to keep the photos, but do not display them on the wall for everyone to see when they visit you.


Tip 5- LISTEN

When your adult child calls and wants to talk to you about their frustrating moments in their blended family, the best you can do is to LISTEN, but don't judge or say anything negative that you might regret later. It is very difficult to blend a family and requires a lot of patience. Support your son or daughter as they try their best to be a good parent and spouse in this new blended family.

In conclusion,

Remember, it's your job to love all your grandkids and support your adult child and his/her spouse in their new blended family. It might be a little new and unfamiliar at first, but it will be well worth your efforts. You will ultimately have the rewards of a bigger family that will love you back.

If you want to know more, check out the Blended Family Advice.