Building a blended family is not for the faint of heart

Building a family that works together as a caring and supportive unit is tough, especially when children and step children who have experienced divorce and remarriage are in the mix. As parent and step parent, it falls on you and your spouse to create an environment in which your blended family can grow. You accept that it will be a challenge, and that it will take time. Here are a few suggestions that might make things a bit easier.

Be realistic
Have reasonable expectations about how quickly your blended family goals can be reached. You and your new partner continue to learn about each other and still face the joys and challenges of your remarriage, which must form the base for your new step family. Remarriage can, in some ways, be more difficult to navigate than a first marriage. Your children will have to learn to navigate their new roles as step kids and step siblings, too.

The bottom line is, be patient. It is unreasonable to expect your steps kids to accept and love you immediately, or for you to fall in love with your step kids right away, either. Expect there to be wrong assumptions, misunderstandings, and stubborn behavior, and it’s not just the kids. Living with a new bunch of people takes patience, empathy, consideration, and a sense of humor.

Parenting is hard work
It is a good idea to discuss parenting styles and beliefs before you get married, and agree on how you plan to manage your step family. If you begin making parenting adjustments before your remarriage, step kids will be less apt to blame the step parent for any changes they may dislike. If you are already married, it is never too late to discuss better ways to parent your step family and to make adjustments together, as a couple. Working together as step parents will strengthen your relationship, and reinforce your position at the center of your blended family. When you work as a team, anything is possible for your step family!

Are angry outbursts, sobs, stomping around, slamming doors, and withering looks familiar to you? These are typical adolescent signals that all is not right in their world. Generally speaking, younger kids generally take to the blended family life more easily than their bio- and step siblings, though they can be teary at mealtime or bedtime. Older teens often try to stay aloof from the entire blended family scenario, but can easily slip back into adolescent rage.  And they have really perfected those adolescent withering looks!  It is good to remember that children need structure and behavioral boundaries the most when they are feeling lost and angry. They count on parents and step parents to provide that structure and boundaries, and yes, to give them discipline.

The need for discipline
The term discipline has earned a heavy-handed reputation, but discipline is not necessarily punishment or consequences. Discipline is practicing certain patterns of behavior. When we set ground rules for our kids, aren’t we teaching acceptable behavior? When it comes to building a blended family, step parents need to take the lead to teach discipline and respect, and consequences, to their bio kids and step kids. Discipline is one of the best gifts parents can give their children.

As step parents, be brave and faithful to your goals, and you, along with your entire step family, will ultimately reap the benefits. Don’t be afraid to take the leadership role together, and teach your step kids that you are there for each other, and for them. Step-parenting may be hard work, but it is definitely worth it!

The Blended and Step Family Resource Center was created with the aim to help blended and step families with resources that include books, newsletters, articles, advice, as well as professional coaching and counseling services.

You and your spouse are the center of your blended family

You and your spouse, if you want to build a caring and loving blended family, must hold the center spot of your new step family. On the surface, this may seem selfish, especially if both of you have biological children from previous marriages. You know how hard it has been on your children to go through the wrench of divorce or, maybe, the death of a parent.  You know they still suffer in many ways, but you have found a partner for a new life for you and your children, and you are happy. Be aware that your remarriage probably feels like just another unasked for change to their lives. They very likely feel that it is just not fair.

Unfair!
And they are right. It is not fair that they should have to lose the life they knew, and in ways beyond their control. You feel badly that your children suffered the loss of their old family. Their loss was overwhelming. You hope your remarriage might make things up to them, and make their lives easier somehow, but you wonder whether making your remarriage the center of your new step family is such a good idea. Why not focus on your kids? They are the ones who need you most, and you suspect your step kids need you, too.

A good home with loving parents
With your remarriage to someone you love, you are ready to make a better life for your kids and for your step kids. You want them all to feel the stability of a good home with loving parents. But you know what? Children cannot feel that hoped-for stability if you do not provide them with committed parents. The times when children of divorce and remarriage feel their lives are most out of control are exactly the times when they need parents and step parents to be their most capable and the most stable. In a step family, both bio kids and step kids need the kind of guidance and commitment that only a strong team of step parents can provide. This is why your remarriage must be absolutely at the center of your blended family.

Working together for life
When you and your spouse practice good communication, and nurture your mutual trust, love and respect; when you both agree on how best to jointly parent all your step kids, then all things are possible for you and your children. Enjoy being a couple. Take the time to celebrate the reasons you fell in love and the reasons you decided to build your blended family. Schedule couple time, away from the kids. You can, and should, talk about being step parents, and maybe even grouse about the trials and tribulations of managing a step family, but always look for solutions rather than harping on the challenges. It is also a good idea, now and then, to arrange not-parent time, when you do not talk about the kids, but simply enjoy each other.

When you make the caring relationship between you and your spouse the center of your blended family, you give that relationship the respect it deserves. Families are all about striving for mutual support and unconditional love, and blended families have a bit more to contend with when it comes to opportunities for miscommunication and misunderstandings. Children of divorce and remarriage are often suspicious of relationships. Make your relationship the core of your step family and show your step kids how a step family based on mutual support and unconditional love looks and feels.  That is an important function of a good home with loving parents, and the very basis of a functioning and happy blended family.

To get help with various issues pertaining to your blended family, The Blended and Step Family Resource Center has the resources for helping blended and step families, including books, newsletters, articles, and professional counselors, all aimed at providing guidance and information to remarried couples and their blended families.

Spouses can learn new blended family communication skills

After remarriage, building blended family communication can sometimes be challenging for new spouses. Communication between partners can make or break a relationship, as many divorces prove. As remarried spouses, and as step parents with a step family, you know that caring and productive communication is vital if the two of you are to be successful as a couple and as blended family parents.

Be an active listener
If you find yourself hearing your spouse say the same thing over and over, it may be that you are not listening. Say what? Okay, you hear what they are saying, but do you act like you are listening? Active listening entails looking at someone when they talk, nodding your head to show understanding, or maybe tilting your head when you don’t understand. Whenever possible, stop what you are doing to face them. Feeling confident that what you have to say is important to the other person is key to building a safe framework to share what you really think. And feeling confident that talking will have a beneficial outcome is important to step family communication with step kids, too.

Addressing problems with your new spouse
If the subject matter you need to discuss with your spouse is an emotional one, take a minute and think about how best to approach the issue. Tricky issues are hard to deal with if one of the parties starts out feeling defensive. The best time to talk over something problematic is when you are alone, and both people are in a receptive state of mind. Sometimes it can be helpful to make an appointment to talk, other times just sitting down and holding hands can set the tone for a meaningful conversation.

Be non-confrontational
Nobody feels like talking to someone who speaks in an accusatory manner. When telling your spouse that it makes you crazy when he calls his ex- spouse to make sure the furnace is working or the driveway got plowed, explain that you feel threatened by his focus on his former home. Putting the focus on you and not your spouse will help your statement sound less like you are criticizing or complaining, and you are less likely to cause a defensive reaction. Let him know that what is at issue is how his actions make you feel, not that you think his intention is wrong.

Give feedback
After your spouse has given you his point of view on an emotionally-charged issue, it is really helpful to restate what you heard him say. Especially when his point of view differs from yours, be sure to speak in a caring and non-confrontational way when checking to be sure you understood correctly. Sometimes the way something is said does not fully convey meaning or intent, and talking things out takes practice.

Respect intensity temperatures
When you and your new spouse disagree, and you invariably will, consider the weight each of you give to the issue at hand. If the subject is of greater importance to your spouse than it is to you, you may want to stand back and agree that his feelings on this particular matter are more important than yours. When neither partner is bent on getting his or her way, it is a lot easier and less stressful to reach accommodation and solve disagreements.

Parents in a remarriage building a blended family have this going for them: they sincerely want this relationship to work. They want it to work for them, and for their step kids. When step parents in a step family remember that nothing works unless they give their relationship the care and attention it deserves, everyone wins. Good communication is vital to their relationship working, and step kids not only enjoy a more stable blended family, they learn good relationship skills.

The Blended and Step Family Resource Center has resources including coaching by professional counselors, books, newsletters, and more – all aimed at helping blended and step families become strong and successful. Contact us today if you need help with your blended family.

Blended family success rests in strength of marriage

Being a part of a blended family is certainly not a walk in the park; it takes a lot of effort from all the family members to make it work. It takes hard work to get a blended family happy and functional.  A blended or step family is a complicated and sometimes chaotic construction: it involves moms and dads, step moms and step dads, brothers and sisters, step brothers and step sisters, in different combinations.

Blending your stepfamily
Basically, two different families become one, and it is a delicate process that will bring many emotions, attitudes and feelings to the surface. To make the transition to a blended family easier for every member of that family, here are some basic rules and guidelines to consider:

• Your marriage and the love you share with your new spouse is the glue that holds your blended family together. The reason why you started this new family, this new life, is because you fell in love with your spouse and you wanted to get married. So, value your marriage, invest time in your relationship and above all, keep all the communication lines open. Even if you are afraid of certain sensitive topics (you feel that your spouse spends more time with his or her kids than he does with you, or you are worried that he or she might not be able to become attached to your kids) you have to discuss them. Hiding your feelings will create pressure on your relationship, and that pressure will reflect negatively on your merging family.
• Give time to the kids (your kids and your spouse’s) to deal with the situation. Depending on their age, the transition to a blended family might be smooth or, on the contrary, bumpy.  Younger children usually accept and embrace the idea of a step mom, a step dad or step siblings. However, the transition is a little more complicated for blended families with teenager. Being a teenager is pretty confusing anyway, and having to deal with the whole blended family situation will put even more pressure on teenage kids. You need to show them empathy, love and support. Treat them as grownups: this means talking to them and explaining them that you deserve to be happy and in a loving, fulfilling relationship. Don’t give in to tantrums, menaces, blackmails or any other type of destructive behavior.
• Spend time as a family, and make time for each member of the stepfamily. It’s important to do things together, all of you, as a family: you and your spouse, your children and his or her children. But you also need to make sure that you spend enough time alone with your spouse, that you also allocate time for doing special things with your biological children and also for getting to know your step-kids better. Every member of your blended family needs to feel valued, loved and protected.

If you wonder who to spend the most time with, always focus on your spouse first. Make sure you connect with your spouse each day, and for an extended time on the weekend. If your marriage is not strong, then you will not have a strong blended family.

Check out the many resources at The Blended and Step Family Resource Center for help with managing your blended family.  If you need more extensive help, The Blended and Step Family Resource Center offers assistance in the form of counseling and coaching services to help blended and step families in adjusting to their new family setting.

Learn how to work together as a step family

Every new step family has a lot to work through and that’s no secret. The important part is that every one works together. Learning how to work together as a step family can be a huge challenge. The hard part for the kids is that they did not choose to be in this new blended family role, so they truly have no choice but to try and make it work. On the other hand, you as a step mom, step dad or as a biological parent have chosen this path for your child or children. It’s up to you and your new spouse to make this work and make sure everyone works together as a family.

Realize the work of blending a family together
Before you start telling your kids how easy this process is going to be; make sure you are honest about the entire process. In reality, you know how difficult this really could become. There are some instances where families just naturally blend together; however, there are other families that do not. Your job is not to worry about those other families, but instead focus on the task at hand with your family. Becoming a blended family means that you could possibly have step children or that your kids will have a step parent.

Make a plan to make this blended family process easier
Putting together a blended family is always different for each person. Everything should be as smooth as possible as you all work on this adventure together.  Never speak negatively about your ex in front of the children. Although you can’t control what happens at your ex- spouse’s house, you can control what you say about your ex to the children. 

Create a set of guidelines for your new family. These are guidelines that you and your spouse create together. You can disagree, as you develop these guidelines, but make sure the kids don’t see you disagree. Once your guidelines are created, with fair and equal treatment for all, then present them to your kids, as a united front- the two of you helping your children understand this new world of step family.

Put your marriage firstNo matter what kind of marriage you have it is important to put it first. Moms and dads need to feel as though they have a solid marriage before they can tackle large issues. When you stand as a united front, your household runs a lot smoother. During this process, you need to focus on your marriage, so that you may be the best parents possible. Learn how to work as a couple and then you can learn how to work as a blended family.   Spend dedicated time with your spouse each day, and some extended time together, at least once a week. The stronger you keep your marriage, the stronger your blended or step family will be.

If you need professional help with your blended family, The Blended and Step Family Resource Center is founded with the aim to help blended and stepfamilies become strong and successful. Avail of resources that can help you manage your blended family better including licensed professional counselors who offer coaching and counseling services.

Ways to meet expectations in a blended family

Blending a family together is hard work. There are expectations that everyone has when it comes to bringing two families together. You may have certain expectations for your new step kids or step parents and all of those feelings are normal. There are some things that take place inside a blended family that can only be described through experience and that is where learning to manage and meet the expectations of those in your newly created family is important.

Celebrating various holidays
Celebrating any kind of holiday in a remarriage can be difficult. The beauty behind celebrating a birthday or any other holiday is that it should be fun for everyone. It’s up to the biological parent to help make this possible in a remarriage. Your kids may not feel comfortable buying a birthday card for their new step mom or step dad. It’s your job to sit down and explain that it’s okay to feel a little awkward. You need to understand that it’s okay to guide them in the right direction. It may take some time to get used to celebrating holidays in your blended family, but it is something that can be done.

Your child is refusing to acknowledge the step parent
It is not uncommon for a child to not acknowledge a step parent. You may not understand why your child is acting this way, but there are some things you can do to help the situation. Sit down and talk to your children about honoring the new parent, especially on certain holidays. Respect should always be given and it’s never okay to be rude. It may take some time, but over time your child will build a special relationship with the new parenting situation.

Grandparents in the equation
It’s common for people to get remarried and leave out the grandparent aspect. This is a special part of a blended family because every situation is so different. In a perfect world, all grandparents would be equally accepting of all children. Nevertheless, there will always be situations that need work, especially in the grandparent department. In some situations, the grandparents just naturally blend into the occasion and on the other hand, some grandparents will need a little direction.

Making decisions as a couple
The bottom line of a blended family is that you and your spouse are making decisions as a couple. Listen to what each other has to say and make decisions from there. Whenever an unexpected expectation comes up, you can learn to simply deal with it. Use these tools to help you along the way. No blended family is perfect, but at least you have tools to help you get through the most difficult situations, like meeting expectations in a blended family.  For more information, contact The Blended and Step Family Resource Center.

How to handle visits in a blended family home

Visitation between parents can be confusing for children at times. Is it time to go to mom’s house or dad’s house?  Kids may get confused, but parents can make this process easier or more difficult for the child who is going from one home to the other. Here are some tips on how to make the experience easier for everyone.

Keep out the negative talk

There is nothing worse than speaking negatively about your ex-spouse in front of the children. You might think that it will help everyone feel better in the long run, but speaking negatively about anyone can cause some major confusion. Your child has been through enough, and he or she should not have to choose sides.

Always speak positively about your ex- spouse to your child. You can be honest too, though. You can say that even though you and the other parent don’t agree on everything, you can agree that you love your children.

Stick to the visitation plan
Visitation plans are put into place for a reason after divorce. While it may be hard at times, you have to stick to your written agreements regarding visitations. Both parents should allow some flexibility in the plan whenever possible. Blended families can become very complicated and it’s important to stay organized throughout this process.

Talk with your child
It’s no secret that your child will be traveling to and from two different homes. Try to make it as easy as possible on the child by expressing the expectations you have with them. Be as positive as you can while you are talking with your child. Also tell them you are proud of them and always keep the lines of communication open. The more open you are with your child, then the more the child will come and talk to you about issues. Always make time to talk to your child, one on one, and check to see how he is doing.

Never use the child to spread a message
It seems easier to tell your child to pass along a message to your ex-spouse, but in reality it’s a very messy process. Communication through the child means that the parents get out of the habit of talking to each other. It puts the child in an awkward position, and it’s something that will weigh heavy on the child. Make it clear that although mom and dad are in two different homes, one thing will never change: your love for them.

Visits take time to get used to
Whatever part of the visitation process you are in, always keep things positive. Remarriage is hard on everyone, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Follow these visitation tips and you can have successful visits with your children.

For more information about blended families and visitation, contact The Blended and Step Family Resource Center.

Surviving the first three months in your blended or step family

The beginning of a blended family does not have to spell disaster. You can survive the first 90 days and come out better than ever. Every new family will have issues, but every blended family also has the power to work through those issues. Becoming a successful blended family may include going through a specific process. It does not matter if you have been a family for one week or 92 weeks, you must progress into a blended family to make it successful for everyone involved.

Spread the love
You would think that a remarriage automatically involves everyone singing Kumbaya at the end of the day. However, in reality you all know that is not true. In a remarriage or blended family, there is no less love than there is in a biological family. There is plenty of opportunity for love in a blended family, but you all have to make it happen. Over time, your blended family will grow and begin making memories together.

Odd feelings are normal
Entering into a step sibling and step parent situation means that there will be some odd feelings involved. Although you are madly in love with your new partner, your children will still need some time to adjust. It may be all sorts of confusing for your children because they are not sure where to put your new spouse. The best advice is to give your children some space, let them have their odd feelings and let everything work out on its own.  In other words, do not force something to happen; instead, let it happen naturally.

Keep out the competitions
There is nothing worse than a child feeling like they have to compete for attention. Do not allow any competitions to occur in your home. Everyone has a place in the new blended family, but that does not mean anyone should be treated differently. Remind your children that the new step parent is not replacing the biological parent. Take the time to get to know each other on a personal level and watch how that competitive feeling slowly goes away.

Stay true to the discipline
One of the biggest issues happening in remarriage is that discipline goes out the window. This should not happen. Always present yourselves as a united front whenever your children challenge your authority. Establish house rules and be consistent with them. Children know when and how to push your buttons and they will do so. Even if you and your spouse disagree on something, you should do it in private and away from the kids.  Your children need to be in structured environment.

For more information, contact The Blended and Step Family Resource Center for guidance on managing your blended or step family.

Learning to make financial decisions as a blended family

Now that you are no longer single, you need to learn to make decisions as a family. Before when it was just you, you could easily make financial decisions that only impacted you. Now, you have several people to worry about and that may include a blended family. A blended family is a whole different ball game when it comes to financial success. Often times, you have child support to worry about and other financial hurdles to jump over.

Plan a budget for a blended family

Learning how to make a budget after a divorce or a remarriage does not have to be hard. You can sit down with your spouse and figure out a budget for the next 12 months. A budget is something that you do not want to divert from because it will help make your life a lot easier, and it will help make your remarriage a lot more successful. Make a list of your financial priorities and stick with them when you are creating your new family budget.

Make a list of where the money goes

After a remarriage, the two adults in the relationship need to sit down and make a realistic budget. Write out each category in which the family money will go. For example, write out mortgage, utilities, groceries and etc. You will want to make sure you do not forget a category. You also need to make a list of the incomes that are coming in each week. After all, you cannot make a budget unless you have actual income coming in.

Find free money in the budget

Making a budget is not easy, nor is making financial choices in a blended family. There are always step family members involved and you need to find a way to make everyone happy. You have to find some free money in the budget, that way you can find fun things to do. Sitting in the house and watching TV all the time, just will not cut it.  Give each person in the family an amount of money each week. Each person may use this money how they want, but the parents are in charge of deciding the cash amount that is fair for everyone. Make sure to stick with the amount and do not make purchases over that amount.

Prepare for the worst

Always talk about the worst-case scenario that could happen in life. Ask questions like, “Should we have separate accounts” and “Who should be the beneficiary of our money?” You always want to ask questions like these, especially after a divorce. Prepare for the worst now, so that you may enjoy life a little better later. Do not be afraid to talk about death because it’s a natural part of life, and it’s something that needs addressed after a divorce and before a remarriage.

Learn to make better financial choices

When you learn to make better financial choices in your blended family now, then you can all benefit later. Making a budget, finding spending money and talking about finances after death are all part of learning to make financial decisions as a blended family.

For more information, contact The Blended and Step Family Resource Center, for guidance on managing your blended or step family.

5 golden rules for grandparents in blended families

Being part of a blended family is difficult. Sometimes teaching your parents how to accept the new blended or step family is even more difficult. These 5 golden rules for grandparents can help you ease them into their new roles, rather than assuming they will know how to respond in the newly blended family. You and your new spouse have had some time to get to know one another before deciding to blend your families; your parents will also need that time after the wedding to learn how to respond to the new stepfamily situation. These tips, or 5 golden rules, are a good starting place to open up the conversation and give them guidelines on how to behave in a blended family, particularly with their new set of step grandkids.

Rule One: Treat all children, biological or stepchildren equally and fairly

Treat your step grandkids as if they were all your biological grandchildren.  They are waiting and watching to see if you will be fair to all.  If your biological grandchildren call you grandmother- then invite your new step grandchildren to call you grandmother. If you hug your grandchildren when you see them, then hug your step grandchildren, too.

Even better, dispense with the biological and step labels as soon as you can! Keeping these labels in your head may cause you to treat your grandchildren unequally.

Rule Two: Express interest in each new step child

Make time to learn about your new step grandchildren: their activities, friends and hobbies.  Figure out what makes each child unique.  These endeavors will help you feel more comfortable around them, and help you get to know them. Also, your step grandkids may want to get to know you a little better, and this opens the door to a closer relationship. 

Rule Three: Remember special days

Acknowledge birthdays, school events, and any other special activities of your new step grandkids.  At the beginning of each year, mark all special events on the calendar.  You may even want to purchase birthday cards, or gift cards all at once.  That way, you are fair to all the grandkids and don’t forget anyone.

Don’t forget your new daughter or son in law, too.  Remembering them with a card on their birthday will help show your support for the marriage. Share information about your family history or family recipes, to help your daughter or son (by marriage) feel a part of your family.

Rule Four: Don’t reminisce about the past

Your adult child has divorced and moved on to a new marriage. Recalling the good times in their old marriage is not going to help with blending the new marriage. Take the old wedding photos off the wall and put them away in a special album. It’s okay to keep these pictures, but do not display the old marriage partners on the wall for everyone to see when they visit you.

Rule Five: Listen

When your adult child calls and wants to talk about their frustrating moments in their blended family, don’t judge or say anything negative that you’ll regret later.  It’s very difficult to blend a family and requires a lot of patience. Support your son or daughter as they try their best to be a good parent and spouse in this new blended family.

Remember: As grandparents in a blended family, it’s your job to love all of your grandkids and support your adult child and his or her spouse in the newly blended family. It may be a little new and unfamiliar at first, but well worth your efforts. You will have the reward of a bigger family to love you back.

The Blended and Step Family Resource Center aims to help step families conquer the challenges of life in a blended family setting. A successful blended family life does not happen overnight nor is it easy. By adhering to proven principles that work, it becomes attainable when applied with consistency and discipline.

Compromise with college kids key to blended family success

This time of year, college kids are returning home for spring break.  It’s a time of transition for the parents and the college-age child and this can be challenging, particularly in blended families.

Transition to home and a stepfamily after the freedom of college may be difficult

College-age kids have been on their own for several months. Although parents are still paying the bills, and college life is somewhat supervised and controlled, your kids have had a taste of independence.  The college experience gives them a safe setting to make decisions, and control their daily schedule:  what they eat, when they sleep, when they go out,  and basically, feel in charge of their daily lives. When they return home, it’s quite a shock when mom and dad want to discuss their every movement.

Compromise required by parents, step parents and college-age kids

It’s time for both parent and college-age student to compromise a bit.  Parents should understand that, although this 18-22 year old is still their child, this same young man or young woman is entering adulthood, and needs to continue to be able to make basic decisions on his or her own, in the safe and supervised environment called home. College students should realize that, although they have had quite a lot of independence throughout the school year, this time of independence has been given to them- compliments of mom and dad’s hard earned money, and supervised by the school.  As long as they are under the financial support of mom and dad, these students need to remember that they are not truly independent or living as functional adults.

Once your college-age kids are able to respect the authority of the parents, and the parents are willing to give the student an expanded level of independence, life is easier for both.

For college-age kids, change to blended family is complicated

These steps are somewhat difficult in a nuclear family, but become even more complicated in the blended or step family. The college-aged child returns home to a blended family and sometimes wonders where his home really is.  Mom has remarried, and moved to a new house. Things look new and different. 

Dad has remarried too, and moved to a new house with his new wife and her kids so his house feels even more unfamiliar. College kids yearn for the dream of mom and dad getting back together, and everyone being united again. Some kids will keep these hopes and dreams years after their parents remarry.

If mom and dad have remarried and there is no chance of reconciliation, the student needs a gentle reminder that life has changed.  Guiding your children through changes and challenges in life will help them mature and learn how to handle struggles and changes as they become adults.

Remember that your student has not been with you, everyday, as you have moved forward into another relatonship or marriage. Give students some extra space.  Allow them to float between mom and dad’s home, as long as both parents know where the student is. 

Some students may choose to travel over the summer, since the home base is not as comforting as it used to be. Travel should not be seen as a negative.  Travel can open your student’s eyes to the world, help expand their independence and survival skills, and present a more cosmopolitan person when interviewing for a job.  Travel could be part of an intern program, mission trip, study abroad summer program, or even a school supervised travel experience.

Sometimes, there is no room for compromise, and that is okay

Although I have discussed several areas of compromise, there are a few expectations that should not change: If the parents are still paying the bills,  children, of all ages (yes- even over 18,) should respect the adults in the home and also obey their requests. Some of these requests may be:  letting parents know if you won’t be home for dinner, keeping your area clean, and participating as a family member (not a guest) and help to keep the home clean.

Family is important, blended, step or nuclear

Whether blended, step or nuclear family, the adults in these homes love their children and step children. It doesn’t hurt to continue to remind your college-aged student of this fact as they return home to a now unfamiliar world.  Remember when you were their age; it’s difficult, not a child and yet not quite an adult.  Love them, provide opportunities for independence, and stand close by to catch them if needed.

For more information and advice on how to better organize and manage your blended family, The Blended and Step Family Resource Center has resources, including informative articles and counseling and coaching services, all aimed at promoting strong and successful blended and stepfamilies.

Blended family organization makes house run smoothly

It’s a brand new year, and if last year’s activities left you breathless and confused, maybe it’s a good time to start the year fresh with some blended family organization You may have a spouse, kids who live in your house, and step kids who visit, and other relatives who visit occasionally.  It can get pretty complicated in blended and stepfamilies homes when juggling a variety of schedules and needs. Blended family organization can help clean up the confusion and keep everyone’s life neat and organized.

Family calendar keeps everyone on schedule

Blended family organization means knowing when events are happening for each member of the family, keeping track of visitation schedules, as well as doctor appointments, dental cleanings, and many other necessary appointments. A family calendar can be a wonderful tool for keeping track of your busy stepfamily.

Purchase a calendar with several lines under each day.  Assign a different color marker to each child.  (This includes biological kids living in the house and step kids that visit.)  One idea is to assign colors based on school colors, especially with older step kids who are in college, or younger kids in different schools.

School schedules are usually the busiest to keep track of in blended families. Print out school schedules and mark each child’s individual school holidays, spring break, exam schedules, sporting events, and any other events you are aware of at this time.  Being able to see the different school schedules, especially upcoming spring breaks, will allow you to start making plans for your various children’s time off.

Don’t forget to keep track of special events of every member of your blended family. Go through the calendar and mark everyone’s birthday.  This includes children, parents, and any other relatives you want to honor on their birthday.  Anniversaries or other special events can also be marked at this time.

Record visitation schedules.  It’s best to plan as far in advance. Usually, separation agreements or divorce settlements will detail visitation, but these dates may be up for discussion and there is not time like now to get those dates cemented and on the family calendar.

Individual Calendars

All children like to know what to expect and giving children who don’t have access to the family calendar their own individual calendar with visitation schedules clearly marked let’s them know they are a part of the blended family plan. All ages, from younger kids to teenagers, want to know which weekend they will be spending at mom’s, and which weekends at dad’s house- so they can make plans.  Make sure these calendars are pocket sized- small enough to carry in a purse or wallet.

Weekly Calendar

Not everyone needs a weekly calendar, but if you have a particularly busy stepfamily, it could make your life much easier. Each weekend, print a calendar for the next week.  The weekly calendar helps make sure no one is left at school after a late practice, and you don’t miss any of your kid’s special events. Including the meals for each night, and how many will be eating, is great for organizing the grocery list, and managing your kid’s meal expectations.

Grocery/Toiletries List

If you find yourself making 20 trips a week to the grocery store or pharmacy, it may be time to add weekly grocery and toiletry lists to your blended family organization. Making everyone in the family responsible for recording their own items will help take the burden off of one person’s shoulders. If it’s not on the list, the offender will have to wait until next week. It may seem tough, but this will teach your children to plan ahead and be responsible for school assignments and their personal toiletries. Blended family organization teaches individual responsibility.

Laundry

Do you have trouble sorting the clothes when you have biological kids and step kids of the same ages/sizes/gender in the house? Here are some tips for keeping track of laundry items: Purchase different brands of clothes for different kids. For instance, purchase only one brand of sports socks for your son. When you step son visits, and you wash his socks- his socks are the ones that are different brand; mark all shirts on the back tag with their first initial; and use separate laundry baskets for each child. When their laundry is finished, each child can pick up their basket and put their clothes away. If they forget, and wonder where their clothes are- send them to the laundry room!

Chore chart

Blended family organization means getting biological kids and step kids on board with keeping with the house neat and clean. Assign chores for all kids, those who live in the house fulltime, and those who visit. For younger children- a chore chart makes it easier for them to remember their assigned chores.  Even visiting children want to feel part of the stepfamily. Assign chores such as washing the dishes, or setting the table to the child that is visiting for the weekend, spring break, or longer summer visits. If a visit is longer than a weekend, each child should be given more chores. No blended family member should be treated as a visitor.

Blended family organization at the beginning of the year will save you hours of time later on in the year. Planning vacations, birthday celebrations and other special events are easier when the calendar is clearly marked. Every child in your stepfamily, whether living their full time or visits feels a part of the family when they see their school schedule, birthday and other special events marked on the family calendar. It’s already February, but it’s never too late to get going with blended family organization so you can enjoy your wonderful stepfamily the rest of the year!

The Blended and Step Family Resource Center aims to assist your blended family with our counseling and coaching services. We also have resources, including articles, newsletters, and licensed professional counselors, to help you manage the different issues that typical blended families have to deal with, and more. Contact us today and let us know how we can help.

Blended family discipline

When your kids have gone through the separation of their parents, a divorce, and then a new marriage, you may think of giving the kids a break and loosening up on discipline. After all, they’ve been through enough, right? Yes, they have, but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t have the same values, boundaries and guidelines as before. In fact, even more than ever, it is important during times of family transitions when lots of things around them are changing, that children are given the consistency and security that comes from discipline. Discipline in a blended family is essential for a successful and positive stepfamily environment.

How do we handle our step kids?

You and your new spouse should discuss house rules and standards for your new home.  Discipline should be considered fair to both adults.  It’s important to respect the biological parent’s history of parenting, but still come to a mutual understanding of how all children will be treated and disciplined in your home.  It’s time for the two of you to discuss boundaries and guidelines for your kids, and for your home.

All kids treated equally

All kids should be treated fairly and equally.  After you and your spouse create house rules such as no eating in the living room, no T.V. after 9pm on a school night, and everyone helps clean up the kitchen after meals, it is important they are followed up with actions.

Also, these rules will apply to every child in your family. Consequences can be different, based on age differences and developmental stage, but consequences still need to be equal and fair, whether it’s a biological child or step child. It also helps if the adults follow the same rules. It’s hard to explain why Dad is eating in the living room, and no one else can!

Biological parent takes the lead

The biological parent should always take the lead with biological kids, in front of the kids. The new stepparent should not be perceived as the only who makes or enforces the rules.  Allow your spouse time to get to know the new step kids, and the biological parent can enforce the consequences of disobeying the family rules.

Also, be consistent! If you make a rule, keep it, everyday. Don’t change the rules on the days you are tired, or the days your spouse is out of the house or out of town.

No secret alliances with your biological kids

If you change the rules when your spouse is not home, this causes your children to not respect their stepparent, and believe that the bond between you and them is stronger than the bond between the parents.  Your relationship with your spouse should take priority.  Keeping your relationship strong with your spouse provides a stable and consistent environment for your children.  The stability and consistency that accompanies blended family discipline will create feelings of security for your children and move your blended family into becoming a strong, successful united family.

For more ideas and information on how to better manage your blended family, The Blended and Step Family Resource Center is ready to provide useful resources including coaching and counseling services aimed at helping blended families work.

Creating stepfamily balance means setting boundaries

Your spouse is angry, the kids are fighting, crying, or both, and you haven’t gone to the gym in two weeks!  Your blended family has descended into chaos and you desperately need help creating step family balance. Don’t worry. There are steps you can take to get your marriage, family and self back into shape, creating stepfamily balance that will last a lifetime.

Find time for yourself. 

If you keep running and running, making sure that everyone in your stepfamily is happy, and you forget yourself, you are going to burn out.  Stop and think about this, when are the days that you lose your temper and yell, or burst into tear, or basically can’t parent or be a loving spouse?  Those are the days you’ve forgotten to take care of yourself! You don’t have time to skip relaxing. Figure out what makes you calm and make room for these activities in your day, and you will be on your way to creating stepfamily balance.

Making time for spouse important to creating balance in stepfamilies

I’m sure you didn’t remarry because it was always your goal in life to be a stepparent, to parent another person’s child and be responsible for this child without all the authority. You entered this marriage because you love your mate and saw a second chance to have a great marriage.

If you want a great marriage, then you need to spend time with your spouse. Your marriage should be in the center of the family, not the kids or stepkids. The two of you should connect daily, and plan at least a couple of times a month to get away from the kids and just enjoy life together. It doesn’t have to be an expensive, out of town vacation, it can be a quiet dinner, looking into your love’s eyes and just listening to them talk.  What is important is that you are continuing to get to know your mate, pay attention to his or her interests, and be an active part in their lives. Creating stepfamily balance means including the needs of the marriage.

Let’s talk about parent/child time and blended family time

Balance your family time. Biological parents should have some dedicated time, at least once a week (or at least once a visit) with their kids. This doesn’t have to be over-the-top theme park quality time. Kids can accompany parents to the hardware store, the grocery store or other errands.  Stopping to get a soda or ice cream on the way home makes it even more special, but the real focus is that the parent is giving the child one-on-one time.

How do you know if you’re out of balance? If your spouse gets upset whenever the kids visit and says she’s being ignored then you’re out of balance. If your spouse says he never has any couple time with you anymore, then you are out of balance.

Remember, the most important thing in a blended family is to create balance with your time.  Dedicated parent/child time is great and a necessary part of a healthy family, but should never be the primary focus of any child’s visit. When the whole family comes together, your entire blended family is now more capable of accepting their stepsiblings and positively responding to family events. Your family is important, and creating a healthy balance means dedicating time to yourself, your spouse, parent and child time, and blended family time.  It isn’t easy.  There will be days in which you don’t get any significant time to yourself. But taking these steps will pave the way to creating blended family balance, and make everyone happier and more emotionally healthy in the end. 

The Blended and Step Family Resource Center aims to assist your blended family with our counseling and coaching services. We also have resources, including the book Blended Family Advice, to help you manage the different issues that typical blended families have to deal with, and more. Contact us today and let us know how we can help.

How to plan your summer blended family visitation schedule

The days are getting longer, and spring is fast approaching. For your blended family, it's time to start planning your summer visitation schedule. To make summer visitations more enjoyable for everyone, here are pieces of useful advice to remember:

Be fair to everyone involved

Don’t force the kids into any decisions. They need to love and spend time with each parent. Visitation schedules should allow the children to spend as much time with the non-custodial parent as they desire.

Don’t make it a competition

Your kids and step kids will never turn down an expensive gift or vacation, but giving them these things isn’t a demonstration of love. The important part is that they desire to spend time with each parent and that feel like an important member of the step family. Check your local newspaper for inexpensive area events. Your children may have just as much (or more) fun during activities like this than they would at an expensive beach resort. It is all about true “quality” time.

Keep yourself organized

Only change your scheduled agreement in the event of an emergency. When a potential schedule change does arise, it’s important that your blended family respect any other family or step family that may be affected. Vacations and such will require planning, and hence can’t be decided at the last minute. You have gone through divorce and entered remarriage, and if your spouse has remarried as well, and their new spouse has children with their ex; well, you can see what I mean about affecting multiple families.

Make sure your children are prepared

This is especially important if your children haven’t visited their non-custodial parent much during the year. They are bound to have concerns and fears, and you should talk to them until they feel comfortable. Let them know that their other parent is extremely excited to be spending some time with them. If the child is a bit younger, send them with a favorite book or stuffed animal, for comfort purposes. Once they are there, maintain contact to see how they are doing, but don’t be overly intrusive.

Make sure they have the essentials

Be sure they have any necessary prescriptions with them, along with instructions for the other parent. You also want to make sure they try on any summer clothes you are sending with them; especially if it’s things they haven’t worn in awhile. Finding out their clothes no longer fit is something you want to discover before they leave!

Remain positive

Don’t make it hard on the kids. Tell them you will miss them, but let them know that you will be busy while they are away. Make sure they know that it’s alright to have fun with their other parent. These visit times are put in place for a reason; to make sure kids retain a healthy relationship with both parents even of they part of a blended family.

For more ideas and information on how to better manage your blended family, The Blended and Step Family Resource Center is ready to provide useful resources including coaching and counseling services aimed at helping blended families work. The book Blended Family Advice, written by the center’s founder Shirley Cress Dudley, is an extremely useful resource material guaranteed to help blended families improve their relationship in a blended family setting.