Simple rules for divorced moms help ease anxiety of divorce

Divorced moms often find themselves navigating difficult waters following divorce. When children are involved, the waters become even murkier, especially when communicating with an ex-spouse is stressful, or when there is a new partner involved. Divorced moms can make the transition easier on themselves and their children by following simple rules when communicating with an ex-husband.

Divorced moms should communicate with ex-spouse briefly and specifically 

Divorced mothers need to communicate with an ex-husband, but how much is too much, and what is it okay to discuss? These are difficult questions, especially if there is a remarriage or hurt feelings. An ex-husband is the father of your children, and after a divorce that is the extent of the relationship. House repair questions or even calling to chat about your day is no longer okay. Divorced moms should make it a rule to communicate only about the kids. One phone call a day to an ex-husband is considered excessive. Unless there is an emergency, divorced moms can make communication with an ex-spouse even easier by e-mailing or texting.

Divorced moms can set tone for positive relationship when co-parenting

Divorced moms who are co-parenting children with an ex-spouse can follow some simple rules to make the experience less stressful for everyone involved. Never speak negatively about an ex-husband is an important rule for moms to remember. Negative talk is confusing for children, and traps them in the middle of marital issues. Sending messages between children and an ex-husband is never okay. Going through divorce and living with visitation between two houses is a huge change for children. Mom and Dad should not involve kids in adult arguments and discussions. Children are suspicious of any questioning from parents about an ex-spouse, and though it is okay to ask if they had a good time, the question should be brief, met with a smile, and then mom should move on to another topic. Divorced moms need to remember that their children want to know it is okay to have fun with Dad, too.

New partners mean more people to love

Divorced moms, at some point, may have to deal with the reality of an ex-husband’s new partner. Children of divorce do not want to feel as if they have to choose sides, and Mom can ease that transition by remembering that an ex-spouse’s new partner will also be caring for her children when they are at Dad’s house. Speaking negatively about step-mom will only confuse children and interfere with building healthy relationships. Most importantly, divorced mothers should be open to finding a new partner for themselves who meets not only their needs, but is also willing to get to know, love and care for step kids. 

Follow new schedules and honor special events

Divorced moms often contend with new schedules, especially around the holidays. Mothers who sabotage family get-togethers by bringing children well fed to Thanksgiving dinner or arriving late at Dad’s house for an important, scheduled event, are not hurting the ex-spouse or step-mom, but are hurting the children. A well-planned visitation schedule that respects both parents is the best course of action for avoiding conflict. Divorced moms should call ex-husbands right away when an emergency arises that interferes with visitation plans.

   

Divorced moms can help ease the pain and confusion of divorce by following simple rules with an ex-spouse. Communication with ex-husbands should be brief and specific. Negative talk about Dad is confusing to children, and divorced mothers should never ask children to relay messages to an ex-spouse, or grill their children about activities during visitation. New partners mean more people to love, and negative talk about step-moms only harms relationships. Moms should seek partners who are willing and able to love and accept step kids. Sticking to an agreed upon visitation schedule will help Mom and Dad avoid conflict. Divorced Moms who focus on their children will find these rules easy to follow, and ease the stress of divorce.

If you need help with your blended or stepfamily, The Blended and Step Family Resource Center is ready to assist you with its counseling and coaching services, as well as other resources aimed at promoting strong and successful blended and stepfamilies. Get in touch with a licensed professional counselor today and let us help to provide you with answers and hope.

How to successfully co-parent in a stepfamily or blended family

Your divorce is official and you have entered remarriage and created your own blended family. However, your ex-spouse will still be in your life. You will need to maintain contact in the interest of your children. Co-parenting with an ex isn’t easy, but is important to the mental well-being of your children.

Keep Your Sanity

Your ex will probably have strange and sometimes inappropriate feelings and emotions, and it is important to not take any of it personally. Try to separate yourself from that and not let it bother you. Even if something has caused a screaming fit from your ex, don’t respond in the same way, just ignore it and let those feelings go.

Keep Your Focus

When you talk to your ex-spouse, it should be focused on your children, and nothing else. Daily activities do not have to be discussed. There is no need to discuss your step kids, your blended family, or anything at all that doesn’t involve the children you share with each other. The only relationship and thing in common you have now is your children.

Keep Yourself Organized

Maintain a detailed visitation calendar. Your separation agreement should lay out the visitation schedule, and barring an emergency, this should be adhered to. Try to plan for special events well in advance. Your kids and step kids need structure and knowing where they will be and when is a good start. A pocket calendar makes a nice gift for each kid, so they can keep track on their own.

Keep Things Fair

Keep your personal feelings out of it. By arranging time for your children to be with both mom and dad, you are acting in their best interests. Don’t make excuses to avoid visitation time and don’t schedule events that will cheat your ex out of time.

Also, make sure to alternate holidays each year, or come up with a different plan that works for everyone. Kids don’t mind switching days, so it isn’t a big deal to celebrate Christmas a week late, or have their birthday party the weekend before their actual day. The point is to enjoy being together as a blended or step family.

Keep Things Flexible

Things do occasionally happen at the last minute, and you should be flexible enough to allow your ex to make any last minute changes. You would expect the same, wouldn’t you? Of course, if it starts to occur regularly, then you may need to lay down the law and put a stop to it. Notice of about a month is sufficient, but both parents should be willing to be flexible to emergency changes.

Conclusion

Co-parenting with your ex-spouse should focus on the kids, so encourage them to keep you in the loop as far as upcoming events. Remaining an active participant in your kid’s lives is still as important as it was when you were married to their other parent.

The Blended and Step Family Resource Center aims to encourage, educate, and empower blended and stepfamilies and help them become strong and successful through its counseling and coaching services as well as other resources available. To get the help that you need, get in touch with our licensed professional counselors and we will help you find solutions and hope.

A blended family expert answers a common concern of a mom in a step family

This is a real question from a mom in a blended family: 

I have a couple of daughters, aged nine and 12. My future spouse has two kids of his own, a 12-year-old girl and a boy who is eight. We both have alternating custody with our ex, allowing or children to be together on the same weekends. They attend the same school as well, so our future step family is together a lot. Things have gone well, up until lately. My 9-year-old daughter has started to be rude to her soon-to-be step dad, and it hurts him. She has told him that she won’t listen to him because he isn’t her parent, and even my other daughter has recently joined in on the attack against him.

He is a great dad, and does a wonderful job trying to make my kids feel special and welcome. We already function as a blended family, but my kids are lashing out now, and I’m not sure how to handle it. They say they like him, but I’m not sure how that’s possible with how they treat him. My youngest daughter will make a mean face at him when we hug or kiss and she squeezes between us on the sofa. We plan to enter remarriage within a year, and move in together soon after. How can I make my kids show their future step dad the respect he deserves?

The response from a blended and step family expert:

This is typical behavior for kids about to enter a blended or step family. They don’t know what is expected of them, so you have to tell them. They may also be getting conflicting comments and information from their other parent, perhaps telling them that it isn’t OK to love a step parent. Here are a few blended family guidelines to follow.

Blended and step family – a new experience

Talk to your kids about what divorce and remarriage mean, and what your future step family holds in store for them. Remind them that when you all live together your spouse is the dad of that home and must be treated with the appropriate respect. However, they should know that he will no way replace their biological dad. Being step kids is not easy, and you must explain what this means in their world, and how they are expected to act towards your future spouse.

Blended family rules

It’s important to have house rules in place for your blended family, and these rules should be agreed upon and presented as a team, with you and your spouse. All children should be treated equally and fairly. Here are some good blended family house rules to consider:

·         Be polite and respectful to each parent, as well as all siblings

·         Talk to everyone within the home

·         Gain permission before touching or playing with someone else’s property

In a blended family, you can’t make everyone like one another, but you can force your kids to treat their step siblings as they want to be treated. They could end up as close friends, but if they don’t, so what? Biological brothers and sisters don’t always like each other either.

Lastly, you may see some drastic changes when you actually tie the knot. Seeing you get married will give them some stability, and increase their willingness to accept your husband and their new step siblings.

The Blended and Step Family Resource Center offers assistance in terms of counseling and coaching services to help blended and step families in adjusting to their new family setting. If you need more extensive help, check out the many resources at The Blended and Step Family Resource Center.

Rules and consequences in a blended family: Create a model of consistency

Your children have gone through a lot, with a divorce, remarriage, and now having to negotiate the intricacies of a new blended family. The question most parents have is whether they should lighten up on the rules and give them a break from discipline.

The answer is no and here is why:

·         The values you hold true won’t change with your new step family, and the children must still be taught what is right and wrong.

·         The love you have for your kids and step kids is demonstrated through your consistent rules and guidelines

·         A lot is changing for your children during this time and maintaining consistency will give your kids a sense of security within their new blended family.

How to handle step kids

Standards and rules for your stepfamily should be discussed and agreed on by both parents. Respect should be paid to the history of parenting by the biological mom or dad, but the step mom or step dad must be given a say on the rules as well. There must be a mutual agreement on discipline, to ensure that parents are pulling in opposite directions. Now is the time to sit down and have a deep discussion on these blended family matters.

All kids should be treated the same

All children should be treated equally and fairly. You should have rules already in place, including the following:

·         Where the kids and step kids can and cannot eat

·         The allowable hours and time limits to television viewing

·         Which children are responsible for cleaning up after meals

The rules you set must be applied to all children in your new step family. Obviously, the associated consequences for not following rules will be different, defending on the age of the child. However, these consequences need to be equal and fair for all children in your blended family.

The parents should also follow some of the same rules. The kids are not going to understand why they can’t watch TV during dinner if dad is doing it every evening.

The biological parent at the forefront

The biological parent should be the one enforcing the rules in your blended family, not the step mom or step dad. Let your spouse take that time to get to know the children, without having them be the one that enforces the guidelines.

Consistency

If a rule is in place, enforce it, every day, without fail. Rules can’t change just because you are tired or your spouse is working late.

Avoid secret alliances

You absolutely cannot change the rules in your stepfamily when your spouse isn’t around, especially as it relates to your biological children. This will give them the impression that they don’t have to respect the authority of the other parent. Maintain a strong relationship and sense of teamwork with your spouse and your kids will respect and acknowledge that. Consistency and stability in your blended family leads to a successful and united family.

If you need help with your blended or stepfamily, The Blended and Step Family Resource Center is ready to assist you with its counseling and coaching services, as well as other resources aimed at promoting strong and successful blended and stepfamilies. Contact us today and let us help to provide you with answers.

The first step towards a future blended family: Start dating!

So, you are headed for divorce and wondering what to do now. It is a sad time and your mind probably wanders to the future, and to ideas of remarriage and the thought of forming a blended family with the man or woman of your dreams. Well, not so fast!

Stop and ask yourself these questions first:

Is it really over?

Is the divorce pending or final? If it isn’t official, have you tried marriage counseling? Make sure your wanting a change isn’t being driven by a desire to save what you already have.

Is there a separation agreement?

This helps you divide property, assets and debt, and also addresses child support and visitation. Consult an attorney if this isn’t done yet.

Have you removed your belongings from the marital home?

Adults often intentionally leave items like family pictures on the walls, in hopes that it works to ease the transition for the kids. It actually ends up confusing them. Work out an agreement with your ex to divide all household property. These details should have been worked out in your written agreement, but if they weren’t, don’t wait to address it. Hire a couple of friends or a mover and get it all done in one trip.

Have you forgiven your ex-spouse and yourself yet?

You may feel that your ex was the primary reason your marriage didn’t work, and you may be right. However, a marriage involved two people, and both must take a portion of the blame. You will find yourself constantly ill if you harbor ill feelings against anyone. Think through what happened and decide what you might have been able to do to prevent it. Forgive yourself and forget about it.

What can you offer someone new?

A divorce will leave your self-esteem at an all-time low. Take a look at yourself and analyze what you can offer to someone new. Jot it down and add items until you have a list of at least 30 good qualities you possess. Ask friends and relatives to help if you wish. 

Have you taken a look in the mirror?

You don’t have to reinvent yourself, but when we get stuck in a routine, we often let fashion pass us by. Head down to the mall and check out what is on display in the windows. Does it resemble what you have in your clothes closet? If it doesn’t, then it’s time to spruce up your wardrobe. It is also a great time to start exercising and get a new hairdo!

Have you lost touch?

If you plan to start dating, you will need some interesting things to talk about. Get yourself familiar with current topics and events. Mix in some discussion of recent news events with a little information on yourself and you will be well on your way to a great first date!

Lastly, make sure you have your story ready. Your first date may ask questions about your divorce or children. There is no reason to provide details, but just be prepared with a non-judgmental and brief explanation.

The Blended and Step Family Resource Center has resources to help blended and stepfamilies, including licensed professional counselors who offer coaching to blended and stepfamilies, as well as those engaged to be married and become blended families. Founded in 2006 by internationally known author and conference speaker, Shirley Cress Dudley, the center focuses on the need for effective counseling and other resources aimed at helping blended and stepfamilies become strong and successful.

The rules of house hunting with a blended family

The first step in finding the ideal home for your blended family is discovering what your budget is. Discuss what you feel you can afford with your spouse, and make sure the purchase you make for your step family doesn’t exceed that figure. Your mortgage payment shouldn’t exceed a quarter of your combined salaries, or a third at the very most. At least one of your previous homes should be sold before finalizing a purchase. 

Location of your blended family home

Ask yourself a few questions to determine where you should look for your blended family home. Are you hoping to stay within or enter a particular school district? Will your new home be close to that of an ex-spouse? That isn’t always a bad thing, as it makes picking up and dropping off the kids much more convenient.

Let the kids in the blended family have a say

Ask the kids and step kids in your stepfamily what they would like to see in a new home. You will probably get a few helpful answers. The ideal time to let the kids have some say is at the beginning, and they will enjoy coming along for a few of the open house visits. You will definitely want them to take a tour of the house you choose before you complete a deal.

Bathrooms

If the kids and step kids in your blended family are both girls and boys, consider your bathroom requirements accordingly. Having enough bathrooms is as important as having enough bedrooms. Your spouse and you should have a master bathroom just for the two of you.

Bedrooms

Not every child has to have a bedroom of its own. Visiting step kids can share a room, assuming they are the same gender. If you decide to use a basement room or pullout sofa for a visiting child, just be sure they have adequate privacy for their belongings.

Living areas

It is a good idea to have many areas throughout the house for the kids in your blended family to entertain themselves, especially if they are of varied ages. Consider homes which have a finished basement or multiple floors. This will allow the kids to spread out and find areas to call their own. A master bedroom should be separated from all the other bedrooms, if possible. Your spouse and you deserve some space in your stepfamily as well.

Conclusion

Remember, your spouse and you are the core of the home and the epicenter of the blended family. Involving everyone in the process is a wonderful idea, but it is important for everyone to know that the final decision on which home to purchase lies with you. Take your time and select the perfect home for your new step family.

The Blended and Step Family Resource Center aims to help blended and stepfamilies become strong and successful through its counseling and coaching services as well as other resources available. To get the help that you need, get in touch with our licensed professional counselors and we will help you find solutions and hope.

Blended Family Rules for the Grandparents

Your new spouse and you have taken the time to get to know one another, and you have made the decision to enter remarriage and create a blended family. Hopefully, you did the right thing and had your spouse meet your parents before you got married (this tradition doesn’t change just because you became an adult). Now that your step family has been created, it’s time to give your parents some tips in what to do and not do in regards to your new blended family.

All kids should be treated fairly and equally

Every child, including those who are not biologically your grandchildren, should be treated the same. The parents will be watching to see how things pan out. If the biological children refer to you as “grandma,” then invite your step grandkids to do the same. If you give out hugs when arriving for a visit, make sure to hug everyone. Beyond that, to do your part in creating a well-adjusted blended family, just forget that the words “step” and “biological” even exist. These terms can subconsciously cause you to treat the kids in the stepfamily differently.

Show an interest in every child

Take some time to get to know each of the step kids in the blended family, and learn about their interests and hobbies. Figure out a unique quality of each and use that to build a comfortable relationship with them.

Remember their important days

Take note of the school events, birthdays and other events in the lives of your step grandkids. Make a special calendar just for them and mark all their occasions. Remember your new son or daughter in law as well. Send them a card on their birthday to show your support. Help your child, their new spouse, and their blended family feel welcome by talking to them about your family’s history.

Don’t bring up the past

Your child is an adult now and has entered a new marriage with their own stepfamily, so don’t bring up past relationships. Any old photos should be taken down and replaced with photos of the blended family. You don’t have to throw those pictures out, but just keep them in a secluded place.

Be a good listener

There is bound to be a time when your child calls to vent about their spouse, kids, or blended family in general. Don’t judge or offer an opinion, just listen. Show you daughter or son support as they do their best to make their step family work. It isn’t easy being a step mom or step dad.

In closing, your only real job as a grandparent is to love your grandchildren and support your child and spouse as they work to create a wonderful blended family. A step family will seem awkward at first, but the reward of a larger family is well worth the efforts.

You can avail of more articles and advice by visiting The Blended and Step Family Resource Center website or by calling for coaching and counseling services which the center offers. To get the help that you need, get in touch with our licensed professional counselors and we will help you find solutions and hope.