When a college-aged child comes home to the blended family

Blended family transitions can be confusing. Whether they come after the school year or during an extended holiday break, parents of returning college-age children are faced with a difficult transition when their child returns home. This is true in nuclear families, too, but especially poignant when divorce, remarriage, step family and step kids have changed the home your college-age kids once knew.

Transition

It is important to remember that this time of transition is just as hard, if not harder, on your child as he or she returns home. They have been out on their own for a while now, and even though you may have been covering some of their bills; college is moderately supervised, but they still have a good feel for independence, and probably like it.

In college, they have been making their own decisions and controlling their day to day activities and schedule. They chose what they ate, when they slept, how late they stayed out, and pretty much everything else. Now that they return home, hard enough under any circumstance, they are returning to a new blended family. Mom has entered remarriage and lives somewhere new. That comforting feeling of home is no longer there.

Dad is married again as well, and his new wife has kids of her own, new step kids for him and step siblings for him or her, so your child feels out of place there as well. All kids, even college kids, still may hold to that fantasy of mom and dad reuniting, and everything going back to the way it was. These dreams may live for many years after the divorce has occurred. He now has a step family, step mom, and a step dad to get to know, and all can be very overwhelming.

If both parents have entered remarriage, the reconciliation ship has sailed. Children may need a reminder that things are different now. Guiding them through these changes will teach them maturity and leave them better prepared to handle future adversity.

Keep in mind that your child has been away during the process of creating a blended family, and they may need their own space for awhile. They may want to drift back and forth, visiting between biological parents, which is perfectly fine so long as you are aware of their whereabouts at all times.

Since home and the step family may not feel comfortable to them yet, some students may choose to travel during their break. Try not to see this as an insult or something negative. Seeing the world will do them good, and it will open their eyes and expand their ability to be independent. Their travel may be sponsored or supervised by their school, so be wary of jumping to judgment.

Drawing the Line

Although we have focused on compromise, there are some areas that should stay the same. If your child will not be contributing to household costs in any way, then they must obey the house rules and the requests of the adults. This could include being assigned certain tasks in and around the home.

Summary

Blended family, step family, or nuclear family, it is important to remember that mom, dad, step mom and step dad all love their kids and step kids. Just make sure your college-age kids know this by continually reminding them. It is a difficult age, and you no doubt remember it quite well. No longer a child, yet not prepared to be an adult. Give them a chance to be independent, while remaining close enough for them to lean on when necessary.

The Blended and Step Family Resource Center offers assistance in the form of counseling and coaching services as well as other resources to help blended families become strong and successful in their new family setting. Get in touch with our licensed professional counselors if you need help with your blended and step family.