Compromise with college kids key to blended family success

This time of year, college kids are returning home for spring break.  It’s a time of transition for the parents and the college-age child and this can be challenging, particularly in blended families.

Transition to home and a stepfamily after the freedom of college may be difficult

College-age kids have been on their own for several months. Although parents are still paying the bills, and college life is somewhat supervised and controlled, your kids have had a taste of independence.  The college experience gives them a safe setting to make decisions, and control their daily schedule:  what they eat, when they sleep, when they go out,  and basically, feel in charge of their daily lives. When they return home, it’s quite a shock when mom and dad want to discuss their every movement.

Compromise required by parents, step parents and college-age kids

It’s time for both parent and college-age student to compromise a bit.  Parents should understand that, although this 18-22 year old is still their child, this same young man or young woman is entering adulthood, and needs to continue to be able to make basic decisions on his or her own, in the safe and supervised environment called home. College students should realize that, although they have had quite a lot of independence throughout the school year, this time of independence has been given to them- compliments of mom and dad’s hard earned money, and supervised by the school.  As long as they are under the financial support of mom and dad, these students need to remember that they are not truly independent or living as functional adults.

Once your college-age kids are able to respect the authority of the parents, and the parents are willing to give the student an expanded level of independence, life is easier for both.

For college-age kids, change to blended family is complicated

These steps are somewhat difficult in a nuclear family, but become even more complicated in the blended or step family. The college-aged child returns home to a blended family and sometimes wonders where his home really is.  Mom has remarried, and moved to a new house. Things look new and different. 

Dad has remarried too, and moved to a new house with his new wife and her kids so his house feels even more unfamiliar. College kids yearn for the dream of mom and dad getting back together, and everyone being united again. Some kids will keep these hopes and dreams years after their parents remarry.

If mom and dad have remarried and there is no chance of reconciliation, the student needs a gentle reminder that life has changed.  Guiding your children through changes and challenges in life will help them mature and learn how to handle struggles and changes as they become adults.

Remember that your student has not been with you, everyday, as you have moved forward into another relatonship or marriage. Give students some extra space.  Allow them to float between mom and dad’s home, as long as both parents know where the student is. 

Some students may choose to travel over the summer, since the home base is not as comforting as it used to be. Travel should not be seen as a negative.  Travel can open your student’s eyes to the world, help expand their independence and survival skills, and present a more cosmopolitan person when interviewing for a job.  Travel could be part of an intern program, mission trip, study abroad summer program, or even a school supervised travel experience.

Sometimes, there is no room for compromise, and that is okay

Although I have discussed several areas of compromise, there are a few expectations that should not change: If the parents are still paying the bills,  children, of all ages (yes- even over 18,) should respect the adults in the home and also obey their requests. Some of these requests may be:  letting parents know if you won’t be home for dinner, keeping your area clean, and participating as a family member (not a guest) and help to keep the home clean.

Family is important, blended, step or nuclear

Whether blended, step or nuclear family, the adults in these homes love their children and step children. It doesn’t hurt to continue to remind your college-aged student of this fact as they return home to a now unfamiliar world.  Remember when you were their age; it’s difficult, not a child and yet not quite an adult.  Love them, provide opportunities for independence, and stand close by to catch them if needed.

For more information and advice on how to better organize and manage your blended family, The Blended and Step Family Resource Center has resources, including informative articles and counseling and coaching services, all aimed at promoting strong and successful blended and stepfamilies.

Blended family organization makes house run smoothly

It’s a brand new year, and if last year’s activities left you breathless and confused, maybe it’s a good time to start the year fresh with some blended family organization You may have a spouse, kids who live in your house, and step kids who visit, and other relatives who visit occasionally.  It can get pretty complicated in blended and stepfamilies homes when juggling a variety of schedules and needs. Blended family organization can help clean up the confusion and keep everyone’s life neat and organized.

Family calendar keeps everyone on schedule

Blended family organization means knowing when events are happening for each member of the family, keeping track of visitation schedules, as well as doctor appointments, dental cleanings, and many other necessary appointments. A family calendar can be a wonderful tool for keeping track of your busy stepfamily.

Purchase a calendar with several lines under each day.  Assign a different color marker to each child.  (This includes biological kids living in the house and step kids that visit.)  One idea is to assign colors based on school colors, especially with older step kids who are in college, or younger kids in different schools.

School schedules are usually the busiest to keep track of in blended families. Print out school schedules and mark each child’s individual school holidays, spring break, exam schedules, sporting events, and any other events you are aware of at this time.  Being able to see the different school schedules, especially upcoming spring breaks, will allow you to start making plans for your various children’s time off.

Don’t forget to keep track of special events of every member of your blended family. Go through the calendar and mark everyone’s birthday.  This includes children, parents, and any other relatives you want to honor on their birthday.  Anniversaries or other special events can also be marked at this time.

Record visitation schedules.  It’s best to plan as far in advance. Usually, separation agreements or divorce settlements will detail visitation, but these dates may be up for discussion and there is not time like now to get those dates cemented and on the family calendar.

Individual Calendars

All children like to know what to expect and giving children who don’t have access to the family calendar their own individual calendar with visitation schedules clearly marked let’s them know they are a part of the blended family plan. All ages, from younger kids to teenagers, want to know which weekend they will be spending at mom’s, and which weekends at dad’s house- so they can make plans.  Make sure these calendars are pocket sized- small enough to carry in a purse or wallet.

Weekly Calendar

Not everyone needs a weekly calendar, but if you have a particularly busy stepfamily, it could make your life much easier. Each weekend, print a calendar for the next week.  The weekly calendar helps make sure no one is left at school after a late practice, and you don’t miss any of your kid’s special events. Including the meals for each night, and how many will be eating, is great for organizing the grocery list, and managing your kid’s meal expectations.

Grocery/Toiletries List

If you find yourself making 20 trips a week to the grocery store or pharmacy, it may be time to add weekly grocery and toiletry lists to your blended family organization. Making everyone in the family responsible for recording their own items will help take the burden off of one person’s shoulders. If it’s not on the list, the offender will have to wait until next week. It may seem tough, but this will teach your children to plan ahead and be responsible for school assignments and their personal toiletries. Blended family organization teaches individual responsibility.

Laundry

Do you have trouble sorting the clothes when you have biological kids and step kids of the same ages/sizes/gender in the house? Here are some tips for keeping track of laundry items: Purchase different brands of clothes for different kids. For instance, purchase only one brand of sports socks for your son. When you step son visits, and you wash his socks- his socks are the ones that are different brand; mark all shirts on the back tag with their first initial; and use separate laundry baskets for each child. When their laundry is finished, each child can pick up their basket and put their clothes away. If they forget, and wonder where their clothes are- send them to the laundry room!

Chore chart

Blended family organization means getting biological kids and step kids on board with keeping with the house neat and clean. Assign chores for all kids, those who live in the house fulltime, and those who visit. For younger children- a chore chart makes it easier for them to remember their assigned chores.  Even visiting children want to feel part of the stepfamily. Assign chores such as washing the dishes, or setting the table to the child that is visiting for the weekend, spring break, or longer summer visits. If a visit is longer than a weekend, each child should be given more chores. No blended family member should be treated as a visitor.

Blended family organization at the beginning of the year will save you hours of time later on in the year. Planning vacations, birthday celebrations and other special events are easier when the calendar is clearly marked. Every child in your stepfamily, whether living their full time or visits feels a part of the family when they see their school schedule, birthday and other special events marked on the family calendar. It’s already February, but it’s never too late to get going with blended family organization so you can enjoy your wonderful stepfamily the rest of the year!

The Blended and Step Family Resource Center aims to assist your blended family with our counseling and coaching services. We also have resources, including articles, newsletters, and licensed professional counselors, to help you manage the different issues that typical blended families have to deal with, and more. Contact us today and let us know how we can help.