How to plan a vacation for your blended family

Winter is dragging on, and it’s time to plan a summer vacation for your blended family. You and your new spouse have some decisions to make, and the enjoyment of your new step family is in your hands. Have you considered taking your new blended family on a driving trip across the country? Well, maybe that isn’t the best idea! Your spouse may suggest separate vacations, but that certainly isn’t the answer.

Keep it basic

Is taking a trip across the United States really that bad of an idea? Well, not necessarily. If your blended or step family was created a few years ago, the kids are young, or you own a large motor home, then it may actually be a pretty cool idea. However, if you are a newly created blended family, I wouldn’t recommend it. A trip like that would require a lot of patience in an enclosed space, which may be asking for too much that soon. I would wait at least a full year before attempting a trip like that.

Be fair

Separate vacations aren’t necessarily wrong either, but just a bit tough to pull off. When you create a blended family, the kids and step kids will be looking to see if anyone is treated differently by their step mom or step dad. It is important to maintain a sense of fairness to everyone. There are very few circumstances where separate vacations should be considered for your step family. Here are two of the rare occasions where it may be acceptable.

If the kids have widely varied ages, then their school break times could be very different. In this case, it may be acceptable to take kids on vacation in groups, at different times.

You might want to offer a vacation to an individual child, in celebration for an accomplishment of some sort. That is a nice idea but just remember that the other kids and step kids in your blended family will be expecting the same treatment.

Keep it brief

The ideal blended family vacation is a weekend getaway. However, up to four days would be acceptable. Your first excursion as a family will be a test as you get to know everyone. Close quarters for an extended period should wait until the second or third vacation.

A few possible trips are:

·         A weekend trip to the mountains

·         A weekend at a beach resort

·         A weekend in a historical city, such as Washington D.C.

·         A short cruise (three or four nights max)

Lastly, get some great pictures and video of your getaway. Have the blended family choose their favorite photo to be displayed on the wall, and the rest can go into a special family album. For more ideas and information on how to better manage your blended family, The Blended and Step Family Resource Center is ready to provide useful resources including coaching and counseling services aimed at helping blended families work.

How to design a suitable holiday visitation schedule for your blended family

Now that school is back in session, your kids are back on a regular routine. There is no longer a need to worry about that winter schedule of visitation and those extended stays with the other parent. You can relax and enjoy your blended family, as you settle into your regular routine. Wrong!

There is no time to relax; you have to get your plans together for the upcoming holidays. We have all had it happen, especially in a step family. You sit down as Easter is approaching and realize that you have no clue what is going on. Who is staying where? Are your step kids coming for spring break? Not planning ahead leads to a disaster.

Working out the schedules

Planning a calendar will make everything easier on all members of your blended family. If remarriage has occurred for both you and your ex, then your schedule may very well impact multiple families. Your children also should know well ahead of time where they will be during which times. This will allow them to maintain a sense of stability.

Hopefully, your visitation schedule for the holidays was worked out in your divorce agreement. However, if it wasn’t, then a typical arrangement would call for one parent to have the children on the holidays during even numbered years and the other parent during odd numbered years. 

Travel

Depending on how far away your ex lives, make sure you have transportation plans in place. Will they need to travel by plane, train or car? Many airlines, as well as Amtrak, offer special accommodations for unaccompanied children, as long as they know in advance. Make sure you communicate your plans with your ex-spouse before finalizing anything.

Getting your children ready

It makes sense to set your kids up with their own visitation calendar. A centrally located calendar with each child color-coded is recommended as well. Allowing a child to know what is going on ahead of time gives them a feeling of control and stability.

Clothing

If your children will be visiting a home where there is a blended family with kids or step kids who are their size and gender, it is a good idea to mark their clothing with their name or initials. It is also a good idea to make a list of exactly what you are sending them with, so they can check it off as they repack their clothing to come home. You also want to make sure they are taking clothing that actually still fits.

Vitamins and medicines

You may need specialized containers to transport prescription medication or vitamins, so check that out beforehand. Furthermore, make sure to send instructions to the other parent on how and when to administer the medicine.

If you start planning far in advance, you can be sure that the holidays go off without a hitch for everyone in your blended family. For more ideas and information on how to better manage your blended family, The Blended and Step Family Resource Center is ready to provide useful resources including coaching and counseling services aimed at helping blended families work.

The key to happiness in a blended family is reducing stress

In the year 2011, a step or blended family was reported to be the most common type of family in the United States. However, even though a stepfamily is much more common, it remains a major source of stress for the people in these homes.

When two people who have gone through a divorce decide to enter remarriage, and one or both of them bring children into the relationship, the resulting unit is called a blended family or step family. If they both bring children, then each adult must navigate the nuances of being a step mom or step dad, and this is where stress first creeps in.

Not only adults feel the stress. Everyone does. You and your spouse have gone through the ceremony and made the commitment and said the vows, but no one really feels like a family just yet. There is competition, conflict, and jealousy among the adults and children in your step family. In order to solve these problems, the adults often make a concerted effort to mollify anyone who is upset.

Disney Dads and Super Moms

Some guys will try to become what is known as a Disney Dad.  Here is a quiz to find out if you are one:

·         Are you overly nervous when your kids are coming to visit?

·         Do you try to make everything perfect for their visit?

·         Do you attempt to arrange amazing activities each time they come?

·         Do you ignore others when they come?

If you answered yes to two or more questions, then you are guilty! That is not necessarily a bad thing, but you should try to remember that not everyone is going to be happy 100 percent of the time, no matter what you do.

Women often attempt to be Super Mom, trying to please their spouse, kids, step kids, and anyone else they can. They go into overdrive trying to do all they can to make the new blended family perfect. There is only one problem with that. Perfection is an impossible goal!

Keep Things in Perspective

You are painting yourself into an impossible corner. There is no way you will please every kid in your blended family, at all times. Even if you came close, it would never be enough, and they would expect more. The bar will continue to be raised until it is grossly out of your reach.

Less Stress

The less stress there is, the happier your entire stepfamily will be. Even your spouse will never be happy all the time, but you can keep your marriage strong by setting aside some one-on-one time each day. You can work together to create fair and caring house rules for your blended family, create goals, and discuss your future.

All your kids, including step kids, want to feel like they belong.  Eat meals together, take them on errand runs, and include them in your family activities. It is important to make all the kids, whether biological or step, feel as though they have an important place in the blended family.

Your kids need structure and leadership, not a friend. This is no time to eliminate discipline and try to be their pal. They have pals. You are not a pal, you are a parent. Your kids want you to be proud of them, so give them some responsibility and something to shoot for.

Creating an even balance between couple time, parent and child time, and blended family time will leave you with far less stress each day. Life will never be perfect. It never has been and likely never will be, even with your new step family.  Concentrate on balance and structure and you will be just fine!

If you need advice with your blended family, The Blended and Step Family Resource Center exists to provide coaching and counseling services as well as information resources to help blended and step families work and become better family units. Get in touch with our licensed professional counselors today.

How to get your blended family ready and organized for 2012

The New Year is beginning and there is no better time to get your blended family organized. You have your spouse and kids living with you full-time, and step kids who occasionally visit. Things can get confusing in the home of a blended or step family. 

A calendar for the family

A calendar is a great organizational tool for a blended family. Buy one with several spaces for each day, and then assign each child a color. This includes both biological and step kids. Start by marking all the school events for each child, including holidays, breaks, exams schedules and sporting events. This will allow you to see and plan for important upcoming events in your step family.

Next, make note of birthdays. These may include other relatives and family friends if you like. Anniversaries can be noted. The visitation schedule for the step kids should be noted. Try to plan things out as far in advance as you can. Your blended family can function much better when everyone is on the same page as far as what is happening, and when.

An individual calendar for others

Step kids who do not have daily access to your family calendar should be given a personal calendar which clearly marks their visitation schedule. All kids in a blended family will appreciate knowing when they will be with each parent. Their calendars should be much smaller, perhaps even pocket sized.

Toiletries and grocery lists

It is a good idea to post a list for the weekly grocery run. If someone in your stepfamily needs something, they must write it down. If what they need is not on the list, then they may do without for a week. This is a great way to teach your kids and step kids how to be responsible for their own needs. Every mom, dad, step mom and step dad in the world has had a child ask them at 9 pm whether they remembered to pick up the snacks for their party at school the next day, even though they never actually told you about it.

Laundry

Sorting laundry in a blended family can be a headache, especially if some of your kids are the same gender or size or even age. Try to purchase different brands of clothing for each kid, and write it down somewhere. Mark each shirt with names or initials on the tags. Try to have an assigned laundry basket for each child. Once their laundry is ready, they can pick up their basket, and return it after they put their clothing away.

Finding a way to get organized at the beginning of each year can save you hundreds of headaches over the course of the year. Planning celebrations, vacations and other events is much easier when you have a calendar with all of it mapped out. This is a great way to keep your blended family organized.

For additional ideas and advice in managing your blended or stepfamily, The Blended and Step Family Resource Center is ready to assist you with its counseling and coaching services, as well as other resources aimed at promoting strong and successful blended and stepfamilies. Contact us today and let us help to provide you with answers.

A new beginning for your blended family for 2012

Blended family struggles may have made 2011 a frustrating year for you and your step-family. Are you already trying to forget this year and looking forward to 2012? Well, it is finally here, and the new can be full of exciting experiences and fresh opportunities for you and your stepfamily.

Balancing time with your blended family

Occasionally, a blended family gets out of balance when non-custodial or step kids come to visit. Mom tries to become the best step mom ever and dad does his best Superman impression. Of course, no one is going to be happy 100 percent of the time, and giving the children anything they desire can create a less than ideal environment.

Balancing family

Make a set of rules for your step family, which apply to all your children whether they live there or not. Above all, be sure that everyone is treated the same. When step kids are visiting, it is OK for the biological parent to spend a little personal time with them, but it should not keep them from the rest of the blended family for the entire day. Furthermore, be sure to involve the non-custodial children in everything. They are just as much a part of your blended or step family as anyone else.

Balancing marriage in your stepfamily

The smartest way to maintain a successful and strong stepfamily is to keep your marriage in good shape. You should make time for your spouse every day and plan date night a few times each month.

Balancing life

You need to manage your job, spouse, kids and blended family, but be sure not to forget about yourself! Being the step dad or step mom is hard, and if you keep running around making sure everyone else is happy, then you will end up burnt out and of no use to your step family.

Relax

Unwinding after a hectic day is important. What works for you? Whether it is taking a bubble bath or reading a good book, make time for what helps you unwind. Everyone can find time to relax if they try hard enough. Trust me; your blended family will thank you for it, because you will find yourself being a bit more patient with everyone when you are more relaxed.

Respect

Show yourself respect and allow others to respect you as well. When your spouse, children or step kids ask you what you want for Christmas or for a birthday, give them an actual answer. Start thinking about yourself; you deserve it.

The most important thing to do is make a little time for you. A little personal time will rejuvenate your mind, body and soul. In turn, your stepfamily will appreciate the happier, healthier and stronger you. This will ensure that your blended family has a great 2012!

The Blended and Step Family Resource Center aims to help blended and stepfamilies become strong and successful. We offer counseling and coaching services to step parents and those who will become part of a blended family. Contact us today and let us help you find hope for your blended family.

When a college-aged child comes home to the blended family

Blended family transitions can be confusing. Whether they come after the school year or during an extended holiday break, parents of returning college-age children are faced with a difficult transition when their child returns home. This is true in nuclear families, too, but especially poignant when divorce, remarriage, step family and step kids have changed the home your college-age kids once knew.

Transition

It is important to remember that this time of transition is just as hard, if not harder, on your child as he or she returns home. They have been out on their own for a while now, and even though you may have been covering some of their bills; college is moderately supervised, but they still have a good feel for independence, and probably like it.

In college, they have been making their own decisions and controlling their day to day activities and schedule. They chose what they ate, when they slept, how late they stayed out, and pretty much everything else. Now that they return home, hard enough under any circumstance, they are returning to a new blended family. Mom has entered remarriage and lives somewhere new. That comforting feeling of home is no longer there.

Dad is married again as well, and his new wife has kids of her own, new step kids for him and step siblings for him or her, so your child feels out of place there as well. All kids, even college kids, still may hold to that fantasy of mom and dad reuniting, and everything going back to the way it was. These dreams may live for many years after the divorce has occurred. He now has a step family, step mom, and a step dad to get to know, and all can be very overwhelming.

If both parents have entered remarriage, the reconciliation ship has sailed. Children may need a reminder that things are different now. Guiding them through these changes will teach them maturity and leave them better prepared to handle future adversity.

Keep in mind that your child has been away during the process of creating a blended family, and they may need their own space for awhile. They may want to drift back and forth, visiting between biological parents, which is perfectly fine so long as you are aware of their whereabouts at all times.

Since home and the step family may not feel comfortable to them yet, some students may choose to travel during their break. Try not to see this as an insult or something negative. Seeing the world will do them good, and it will open their eyes and expand their ability to be independent. Their travel may be sponsored or supervised by their school, so be wary of jumping to judgment.

Drawing the Line

Although we have focused on compromise, there are some areas that should stay the same. If your child will not be contributing to household costs in any way, then they must obey the house rules and the requests of the adults. This could include being assigned certain tasks in and around the home.

Summary

Blended family, step family, or nuclear family, it is important to remember that mom, dad, step mom and step dad all love their kids and step kids. Just make sure your college-age kids know this by continually reminding them. It is a difficult age, and you no doubt remember it quite well. No longer a child, yet not prepared to be an adult. Give them a chance to be independent, while remaining close enough for them to lean on when necessary.

The Blended and Step Family Resource Center offers assistance in the form of counseling and coaching services as well as other resources to help blended families become strong and successful in their new family setting. Get in touch with our licensed professional counselors if you need help with your blended and step family.

Maintaining traditions in a blended family

When special occasions come around in your new blended family, are you excited or filled with dread? Do you wonder how you will manage to devote time to traditions held by the rest of your family? When holidays roll around, do you drag your step family somewhere, or do you hold an event at your house? Here are some basic tips to help with those decisions.

Boundaries in your blended family

Sure, your own parents can be demanding at times, but that does not mean you and your blended family have to spend your holiday at their house every year. It is important to show love and consideration to your parents, but they have to realize that your first obligations now are to your blended family. There is nothing wrong with setting limits with each of your parents.

NO is not a dirty word

It is OK to say no to your family. If the schedule for your blended family is too busy, you cannot afford the trip, or one of your kids or step kids is ill, it is perfectly acceptable to stay home for the holidays. When your parents ask if you are coming home for a holiday, remind them that you ARE home. Creating new traditions in your step family is, and should be, your first priority.

Having a baby

Families have differing views on handling the birth of a baby. Some see it as a private time for mom and dad, while others expect the entire family is welcome in the delivery room with video cameras. There is no right answer, and should be decided by you and your spouse. However, due to the circumstances, mom should have the final say.

Does any of this actually matter?

Of course it does! A blended family, step kids, a step mom or step dad, and possibly a new baby; this makes navigating family events complicated. Now that you have a stepfamily, your parents will expect to spend time with you, and with them, too. The love you hold for your parents is wonderful and valuable, but it is also important to set some boundaries in relation to your blended family.

How can I make my parents understand this?

Thank them for the great job they did in bringing you up. Let them know you understand and appreciate all the sacrifices they made to provide you with a happy family and a loving home. You can then tell them that it is your turn now. Now it is time for you to demonstrate the great parenting skills they taught you and use them with your own step or blended family.

Conclusion

It is time to make your own traditions with your blended family. Talk with your spouse to find out what makes family events special in their family, and incorporate those aspects into your new family celebrations. Remember that you and your spouse are the bosses in your blended family, and the decision on how you spend your holidays is entirely yours.

The Blended and Step Family Resource Center offers counseling and coaching services to help blended and step families in adjusting to a new blended family setting.