Blended family discipline

When your kids have gone through the separation of their parents, a divorce, and then a new marriage, you may think of giving the kids a break and loosening up on discipline. After all, they’ve been through enough, right? Yes, they have, but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t have the same values, boundaries and guidelines as before. In fact, even more than ever, it is important during times of family transitions when lots of things around them are changing, that children are given the consistency and security that comes from discipline. Discipline in a blended family is essential for a successful and positive stepfamily environment.

How do we handle our step kids?

You and your new spouse should discuss house rules and standards for your new home.  Discipline should be considered fair to both adults.  It’s important to respect the biological parent’s history of parenting, but still come to a mutual understanding of how all children will be treated and disciplined in your home.  It’s time for the two of you to discuss boundaries and guidelines for your kids, and for your home.

All kids treated equally

All kids should be treated fairly and equally.  After you and your spouse create house rules such as no eating in the living room, no T.V. after 9pm on a school night, and everyone helps clean up the kitchen after meals, it is important they are followed up with actions.

Also, these rules will apply to every child in your family. Consequences can be different, based on age differences and developmental stage, but consequences still need to be equal and fair, whether it’s a biological child or step child. It also helps if the adults follow the same rules. It’s hard to explain why Dad is eating in the living room, and no one else can!

Biological parent takes the lead

The biological parent should always take the lead with biological kids, in front of the kids. The new stepparent should not be perceived as the only who makes or enforces the rules.  Allow your spouse time to get to know the new step kids, and the biological parent can enforce the consequences of disobeying the family rules.

Also, be consistent! If you make a rule, keep it, everyday. Don’t change the rules on the days you are tired, or the days your spouse is out of the house or out of town.

No secret alliances with your biological kids

If you change the rules when your spouse is not home, this causes your children to not respect their stepparent, and believe that the bond between you and them is stronger than the bond between the parents.  Your relationship with your spouse should take priority.  Keeping your relationship strong with your spouse provides a stable and consistent environment for your children.  The stability and consistency that accompanies blended family discipline will create feelings of security for your children and move your blended family into becoming a strong, successful united family.

For more ideas and information on how to better manage your blended family, The Blended and Step Family Resource Center is ready to provide useful resources including coaching and counseling services aimed at helping blended families work.