Blended family discipline

When your kids have gone through the separation of their parents, a divorce, and then a new marriage, you may think of giving the kids a break and loosening up on discipline. After all, they’ve been through enough, right? Yes, they have, but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t have the same values, boundaries and guidelines as before. In fact, even more than ever, it is important during times of family transitions when lots of things around them are changing, that children are given the consistency and security that comes from discipline. Discipline in a blended family is essential for a successful and positive stepfamily environment.

How do we handle our step kids?

You and your new spouse should discuss house rules and standards for your new home.  Discipline should be considered fair to both adults.  It’s important to respect the biological parent’s history of parenting, but still come to a mutual understanding of how all children will be treated and disciplined in your home.  It’s time for the two of you to discuss boundaries and guidelines for your kids, and for your home.

All kids treated equally

All kids should be treated fairly and equally.  After you and your spouse create house rules such as no eating in the living room, no T.V. after 9pm on a school night, and everyone helps clean up the kitchen after meals, it is important they are followed up with actions.

Also, these rules will apply to every child in your family. Consequences can be different, based on age differences and developmental stage, but consequences still need to be equal and fair, whether it’s a biological child or step child. It also helps if the adults follow the same rules. It’s hard to explain why Dad is eating in the living room, and no one else can!

Biological parent takes the lead

The biological parent should always take the lead with biological kids, in front of the kids. The new stepparent should not be perceived as the only who makes or enforces the rules.  Allow your spouse time to get to know the new step kids, and the biological parent can enforce the consequences of disobeying the family rules.

Also, be consistent! If you make a rule, keep it, everyday. Don’t change the rules on the days you are tired, or the days your spouse is out of the house or out of town.

No secret alliances with your biological kids

If you change the rules when your spouse is not home, this causes your children to not respect their stepparent, and believe that the bond between you and them is stronger than the bond between the parents.  Your relationship with your spouse should take priority.  Keeping your relationship strong with your spouse provides a stable and consistent environment for your children.  The stability and consistency that accompanies blended family discipline will create feelings of security for your children and move your blended family into becoming a strong, successful united family.

For more ideas and information on how to better manage your blended family, The Blended and Step Family Resource Center is ready to provide useful resources including coaching and counseling services aimed at helping blended families work.

Creating stepfamily balance means setting boundaries

Your spouse is angry, the kids are fighting, crying, or both, and you haven’t gone to the gym in two weeks!  Your blended family has descended into chaos and you desperately need help creating step family balance. Don’t worry. There are steps you can take to get your marriage, family and self back into shape, creating stepfamily balance that will last a lifetime.

Find time for yourself. 

If you keep running and running, making sure that everyone in your stepfamily is happy, and you forget yourself, you are going to burn out.  Stop and think about this, when are the days that you lose your temper and yell, or burst into tear, or basically can’t parent or be a loving spouse?  Those are the days you’ve forgotten to take care of yourself! You don’t have time to skip relaxing. Figure out what makes you calm and make room for these activities in your day, and you will be on your way to creating stepfamily balance.

Making time for spouse important to creating balance in stepfamilies

I’m sure you didn’t remarry because it was always your goal in life to be a stepparent, to parent another person’s child and be responsible for this child without all the authority. You entered this marriage because you love your mate and saw a second chance to have a great marriage.

If you want a great marriage, then you need to spend time with your spouse. Your marriage should be in the center of the family, not the kids or stepkids. The two of you should connect daily, and plan at least a couple of times a month to get away from the kids and just enjoy life together. It doesn’t have to be an expensive, out of town vacation, it can be a quiet dinner, looking into your love’s eyes and just listening to them talk.  What is important is that you are continuing to get to know your mate, pay attention to his or her interests, and be an active part in their lives. Creating stepfamily balance means including the needs of the marriage.

Let’s talk about parent/child time and blended family time

Balance your family time. Biological parents should have some dedicated time, at least once a week (or at least once a visit) with their kids. This doesn’t have to be over-the-top theme park quality time. Kids can accompany parents to the hardware store, the grocery store or other errands.  Stopping to get a soda or ice cream on the way home makes it even more special, but the real focus is that the parent is giving the child one-on-one time.

How do you know if you’re out of balance? If your spouse gets upset whenever the kids visit and says she’s being ignored then you’re out of balance. If your spouse says he never has any couple time with you anymore, then you are out of balance.

Remember, the most important thing in a blended family is to create balance with your time.  Dedicated parent/child time is great and a necessary part of a healthy family, but should never be the primary focus of any child’s visit. When the whole family comes together, your entire blended family is now more capable of accepting their stepsiblings and positively responding to family events. Your family is important, and creating a healthy balance means dedicating time to yourself, your spouse, parent and child time, and blended family time.  It isn’t easy.  There will be days in which you don’t get any significant time to yourself. But taking these steps will pave the way to creating blended family balance, and make everyone happier and more emotionally healthy in the end. 

The Blended and Step Family Resource Center aims to assist your blended family with our counseling and coaching services. We also have resources, including the book Blended Family Advice, to help you manage the different issues that typical blended families have to deal with, and more. Contact us today and let us know how we can help.

Remarriage is not a battleground when children are involved

Remarriage can be difficult, especially when hard feelings linger from a divorce. Sometimes parents will talk negatively about stepparents, or tell children they shouldn’t love the new stepmom or stepdad. This negative talk is confusing and unhelpful for children in a blended family. Remarriage should never be a constant battle for children’s affection, but rather an opportunity to show them how much love it is possible to give.

Remarried parents who take higher ground win the battle

When divorced spouses remarry it can sometimes trigger hostility toward the new stepdad or stepmom, especially if the divorce was tense and volatile. Sometimes, stepparents in a blended family feel as if they have to constantly defend themselves, playing a tit-for-tat game with the biological parent. When a biological parent tells a child he shouldn’t like or accept the new stepparent, or when the biological parent talks negatively about the blended family, it is very confusing. The last thing a child of divorce needs is to feel confused about the stepfamily situation or feel as if he or she has to take side. When faced with this dilemma, stepmoms or stepdads should let the child know that the behavior is not okay, while staying supportive of the biological parent’s role. Tell the stepchild, “Although we disagree with your mother [or father], we know that she [he] loves you.  We love you and want what's best for you.” This lets the child know that the adult’s behavior is not okay and reinforces that the child is loved. Remarriage and divorce are adult situations and children should never have to participate in negative talk about biological parents and stepparents.

Remarriage is not a competition

Behaving as a spoiled child and demanding love and attention over a stepmom or stepdad is never okay. If your blended family is having difficulty with a biological parent pressuring your stepchild or stepchildren to show them favoritism or more attention during school events, it is okay to address the situation with your stepkid, preferably in a neutral place and time. Stay positive about the biological parent and his or her irreplaceable role in the child’s life, and stress that you love the child too, and that this is okay. Remarriage does not have to be filled with constant conflict and stepparents take the high ground will help calm the rough waters.

Be the normal parent!

Remarriage that brings on hostile attacks and negative talk from the biological parent should be explained to children by acknowledging the jealous or destructive behavior without condemning the source. Let the stepchild know that adults get jealous sometimes, just like children, but that there is enough love to go around for everyone. Remind children that stepparents have enough love to help raise them to be successful people, and strive to set a good example as the constant, normal parents. Remarriage is not about winning over the child, it is about helping them understand what is going on around them in a calm and collected manner. Reinforce the blended family expectations and discuss how difficult it is for adults to deal with the complicated emotions of divorce and remarriage.

If you need advice with your blended or stepfamily, The Blended and Step Family Resource Center is ready to assist you with its counseling and coaching services, as well as other resources aimed at promoting strong and successful blended and stepfamilies. Contact us today and let us help to provide you with answers.

Keeping the house rules when adult children return to the blended family

Even adult children returning home to a blended family benefit from some rules and boundaries, according to The Blended and Step Family Resource Center in Charlotte, North Carolina.  Adult stepchildren graduating from college today face a tough job market in which to succeed.  College kids are returning home, for a place to stay until they can launch their careers. Even tougher, are the kids who return to a blended family, one with a new step parent and step siblings. According to The Blended and Step Family Resource Center, boundaries and rules established and agreed upon, before adult stepchildren return to the nest, are essential for the successful blended family. Adult stepchildren can function well living at home with stepparents when presented with clear expectations.

Focus on the positive in your blended family

Focus on the positive when adult children ask to return home. Adult children, in most cases, don't want to ask biological parents if they can move in with a stepfamily, and you might consider it a compliment to your successful remarriage when they do. Clearly, your adult child feels comfortable living with the stepparent, and that is flattering. The Blended and Step Family Resource Center recommends that stepmom or stepdad acknowledge the compliment, and make sure to let the adult stepchild know you are eager to spend more time with him. As well, after the biological parent and stepparent agree upon a set of rules and boundaries, biological parents should lead a discussion about them with the adult stepchild in advance of the move-in date. Adult stepchildren are often willing to comply with rules when they know biological parents and stepparents are happy to have them around.

Rules and boundaries should be reasonable and consistent

Adult stepchildren are, technically, adults, and should be treated as such. However, according to The Blended and Stepfamily Resource Center, and author Shirley Cress Dudley, the adult stepchild who has returned home and is dependent upon the biological parent and stepmom or stepdad, should obey and respect parental authority. Rules and boundaries agreed upon in advance could include guidelines for

-dining and laundry

-a discussion of career plans

-an agreement to actively search and find a job by within a set period

-housekeeping chores

-an agreement to pay rent after six months

-an agreement to a raise in rent after 12 months

-guidelines for guests

-an expectation of quiet after a designated time or else a curfew will be

established

-and an expectation that adults will be treated with respect.

Other discussion topics could include the use of an auto as well as guidelines for gas, insurance, and upkeep; smoking, drinking and girlfriend or boyfriend visits; as well as private time for parent and stepparent. Adult stepchildren who bend or even break established rules should be held accountable with another scheduled family meeting.

Road to independence should be paved with love and encouragement for your adult child

Adult stepchildren moving home is not unusual in light of the job market, and he or she should not be made to feel as if they have failed at adulthood. This won't help a stepchild and it certainly won't bode well for the blended family. Once rules and boundaries have been agreed upon in a stepfamily, welcome and encourage your adult stepchild into the remarriage. Make sure he spends individual time with his biological parent and offer positive support in his job search. Stepchildren, especially adult stepchildren, need their own space, and should be afforded privacy and respect of their belongings by other stepkids. Adultstepchildren who return to the home may need extra help on the road toindependence; stepmoms and stepdads who are part of that journey pave the way to a smooth stepfamily existence.

Adult stepchildren who return home are an unfortunate result of the economic downturn, but it doesn't have to be a miserable experience. The Blended and Step Family Resource Center recommends biological and stepparents discuss and agree upon rules, before the adult stepchild moves in. An adult stepchild is usually amenable to parental guidelines when the discussion is led by the biological parent and assisted by the stepparent. Adult children who return home to a blended family can find success and independence within a remarriage when expectations are clear and rules are well planned.