Spouses can learn new blended family communication skills

After remarriage, building blended family communication can sometimes be challenging for new spouses. Communication between partners can make or break a relationship, as many divorces prove. As remarried spouses, and as step parents with a step family, you know that caring and productive communication is vital if the two of you are to be successful as a couple and as blended family parents.

Be an active listener
If you find yourself hearing your spouse say the same thing over and over, it may be that you are not listening. Say what? Okay, you hear what they are saying, but do you act like you are listening? Active listening entails looking at someone when they talk, nodding your head to show understanding, or maybe tilting your head when you don’t understand. Whenever possible, stop what you are doing to face them. Feeling confident that what you have to say is important to the other person is key to building a safe framework to share what you really think. And feeling confident that talking will have a beneficial outcome is important to step family communication with step kids, too.

Addressing problems with your new spouse
If the subject matter you need to discuss with your spouse is an emotional one, take a minute and think about how best to approach the issue. Tricky issues are hard to deal with if one of the parties starts out feeling defensive. The best time to talk over something problematic is when you are alone, and both people are in a receptive state of mind. Sometimes it can be helpful to make an appointment to talk, other times just sitting down and holding hands can set the tone for a meaningful conversation.

Be non-confrontational
Nobody feels like talking to someone who speaks in an accusatory manner. When telling your spouse that it makes you crazy when he calls his ex- spouse to make sure the furnace is working or the driveway got plowed, explain that you feel threatened by his focus on his former home. Putting the focus on you and not your spouse will help your statement sound less like you are criticizing or complaining, and you are less likely to cause a defensive reaction. Let him know that what is at issue is how his actions make you feel, not that you think his intention is wrong.

Give feedback
After your spouse has given you his point of view on an emotionally-charged issue, it is really helpful to restate what you heard him say. Especially when his point of view differs from yours, be sure to speak in a caring and non-confrontational way when checking to be sure you understood correctly. Sometimes the way something is said does not fully convey meaning or intent, and talking things out takes practice.

Respect intensity temperatures
When you and your new spouse disagree, and you invariably will, consider the weight each of you give to the issue at hand. If the subject is of greater importance to your spouse than it is to you, you may want to stand back and agree that his feelings on this particular matter are more important than yours. When neither partner is bent on getting his or her way, it is a lot easier and less stressful to reach accommodation and solve disagreements.

Parents in a remarriage building a blended family have this going for them: they sincerely want this relationship to work. They want it to work for them, and for their step kids. When step parents in a step family remember that nothing works unless they give their relationship the care and attention it deserves, everyone wins. Good communication is vital to their relationship working, and step kids not only enjoy a more stable blended family, they learn good relationship skills.

The Blended and Step Family Resource Center has resources including coaching by professional counselors, books, newsletters, and more – all aimed at helping blended and step families become strong and successful. Contact us today if you need help with your blended family.