Successful co-parenting possible when children are focus!

Co-parenting sometimes comes with a lot of emotional baggage and hurt feelings. Trying to figure out a new relationship with your ex-spouse can be a rollercoaster ride, especially when parents forget to put the children’s needs ahead of their own emotions. Keeping the focus on the children, while maintaining an appropriate and respectful relationship with your ex-spouse will help resolve visitation issues and keep the divorce as positive as possible. Co-parenting is necessary and can be done in a positive, sane manner when the children’s comfort is the first consideration.

Keep it sane and fair!

Co-parenting does not have to be a stressful undertaking, but sometimes ex-spouses will communicate with emotions instead of words, using any opportunity to bash one another for the failure of the marriage. After divorce, it is time to put the focus on children, and communicate only when necessary about the children. Any other communication is unnecessary and could be confusing not only to the children, but to adults, too. There is nothing more annoying than having an ex-spouse scream at you for missing a child’s softball game or band concert, but responding by yelling back will get you nowhere. Remember that your ex-spouse may be expressing feelings about you not attending the event, and that is okay, but the yelling and screaming is definitely not. Step back from the knee-jerk reaction to yell back and take a deep breath. Also, remember to stay on track with visitation, and do not cheat your ex-spouse out of their days.

Making good on your promised schedule will also keep things stable for the kids, and after a divorce this should be your primary concern. Sharing holidays with your ex-spouse is fair to the children who want to spend time with both parents during these special times. Calendars are a great way to let children know the visitation schedule in advance, and keeps them updated on any changes. Stay positive about switching days so they enjoy the time they have with you! Co-parenting without stress is possible when schedules are fair and adhered to, and emotions take a back seat.

Flexibility essential in successful co-parenting!

Co-parenting requires flexibility. Arranging two different schedules can be difficult, and adding children to the mix sometimes makes it even more complicated. When ex-spouses remember that schedule conflicts inevitably arise and are willing to cooperate, co-parenting becomes much more manageable. If schedule conflicts pop up more often than necessary, though, it is a good idea to tell the ex-spouse that you need a 30-day notice for conflicts, and then stick to your word. Co-parenting without flexibility only makes communication more stressful for everyone, and sends the wrong signal to your children.

Co-parenting is not easy, but it does not have to be a recipe for disaster, either. Two different schedules can be managed if ex-spouses keep their focus on children and avoid discussions that have nothing to do with the kids. Visitation should always be fair, and successful co-parenting considers the needs of all parties involved. That means fair to the children, as well. Calendars are a great tool to keep children updated on visitation schedules and changes. Flexibility is necessary when managing so many different schedules, because it will help keep interactions sane and amiable. Co-parenting is necessary when divorce occurs and children are involved, but it doesn’t have to be filled with negativity or stress if you keep the focus on the children.

The Blended and Step Family Resource Center offers coaching services to blended and stepfamilies, and those engaged to be married and become blended families. Other resources designed to promote strong and successful blended and stepfamilies are also available. Contact us today and let us help to provide you with answers.

Starting Fresh for a Blended Family

Starting a new family is can be both refreshing and difficult. But imagine starting a blended family wherein you combine two sets of non-blood related families living under one roof… sounds like a formula for chaotic children right? Not if you plan well and be very diplomatic about it.

Losing balance of blended families is not surprising especially when noncustodial children drop them a visit. Moms and dads become surprisingly Super Step Moms and Disney Dads trying their very best to look good and please the children every minute of every day. This may give short term gratification for both of you and the children but we all know that giving children everything will only create problems later on.

House rules should be applied to all children: whether they are just visiting or living with you full time. Treat them equally and play no favourites. Visiting children should be given one on one time with their parent but not too long to isolate each family. Don’t forget to involve all kids equally in family activities. Don’t make them feel like a visitor! They are all members of a blended family unit.

Moreover, don’t forget to plan quality time with your spouse. Time outs with your spouse are the best way to make your marriage strong and resilient. Plan dates ahead for at least twice a month. Having a moment alone with your better half will keep your marriage alive.

Lastly, don’t forget a time for yourself. Even simply taking a long bubble bath or reading a favourite novel can do the trick. The goal is to not forget how to relax and enjoy yourself. Discover what time of the day you can fit your “Me Time”. Learning how to relax is vital in enjoying your family life.

Having a hard time? Then you might need help.

Kids and Divorce, Helping Them Get Through Changes

Divorce is never pretty no matter who you are, whether you’re a regular Jane and Joe or Arnold and Maria. 

Divorce is never easy for everyone involved in it.

In helping children get through the divorce you must make sure that it is really over to avoid confusion. If it is really over give them a clear view of what divorce would be like. Stop confusing them by keeping wedding photos in the living room, remove all of the ex-spouse’s things (only the non-custodial), remove photos of you and your spouse being together (don’t destroy them, just keep them out of sight). Make a clear message that there is a separation between you and your ex-spouse.

Furthermore, talk with your children gently but still with a clear message that Mom and Dad will no longer be married and will no longer live together but loving the children will never change. Divorce details should not be part of the conversation since they’re still children. Explain that although there will be changes between you and your ex-spouse, there will be no changes in the relationship between the children and the parents.

Try to bring in a counsellor for your kids to talk about your divorce openly and encourage them to talk with their friends who have divorced parents. 

Don’t forget to consult a counsellor yourself to assess through the divorce and help you forgive yourself. A support from the outside of your family will be of great help in getting you and your children through this painful transition.

Overall, be patient, kind, but still be a parent to your children; house rules should not change. Understand and spend time with your kids as much as you can. Let them feel and know that even though you and your ex-spouse are divorced you are still available as a parent to your children.

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