Blended family success rests in strength of marriage

Being a part of a blended family is certainly not a walk in the park; it takes a lot of effort from all the family members to make it work. It takes hard work to get a blended family happy and functional.  A blended or step family is a complicated and sometimes chaotic construction: it involves moms and dads, step moms and step dads, brothers and sisters, step brothers and step sisters, in different combinations.

Blending your stepfamily
Basically, two different families become one, and it is a delicate process that will bring many emotions, attitudes and feelings to the surface. To make the transition to a blended family easier for every member of that family, here are some basic rules and guidelines to consider:

• Your marriage and the love you share with your new spouse is the glue that holds your blended family together. The reason why you started this new family, this new life, is because you fell in love with your spouse and you wanted to get married. So, value your marriage, invest time in your relationship and above all, keep all the communication lines open. Even if you are afraid of certain sensitive topics (you feel that your spouse spends more time with his or her kids than he does with you, or you are worried that he or she might not be able to become attached to your kids) you have to discuss them. Hiding your feelings will create pressure on your relationship, and that pressure will reflect negatively on your merging family.
• Give time to the kids (your kids and your spouse’s) to deal with the situation. Depending on their age, the transition to a blended family might be smooth or, on the contrary, bumpy.  Younger children usually accept and embrace the idea of a step mom, a step dad or step siblings. However, the transition is a little more complicated for blended families with teenager. Being a teenager is pretty confusing anyway, and having to deal with the whole blended family situation will put even more pressure on teenage kids. You need to show them empathy, love and support. Treat them as grownups: this means talking to them and explaining them that you deserve to be happy and in a loving, fulfilling relationship. Don’t give in to tantrums, menaces, blackmails or any other type of destructive behavior.
• Spend time as a family, and make time for each member of the stepfamily. It’s important to do things together, all of you, as a family: you and your spouse, your children and his or her children. But you also need to make sure that you spend enough time alone with your spouse, that you also allocate time for doing special things with your biological children and also for getting to know your step-kids better. Every member of your blended family needs to feel valued, loved and protected.

If you wonder who to spend the most time with, always focus on your spouse first. Make sure you connect with your spouse each day, and for an extended time on the weekend. If your marriage is not strong, then you will not have a strong blended family.

Check out the many resources at The Blended and Step Family Resource Center for help with managing your blended family.  If you need more extensive help, The Blended and Step Family Resource Center offers assistance in the form of counseling and coaching services to help blended and step families in adjusting to their new family setting.

Beat winter blues and enjoy blended family bonding time!

When the weather is cold, sometimes you’re stuck in the house with nothing to do. Wait a minute. Don’t you have some work to do on blending your stepfamily? Winter is the perfect time for blended families to get to know each other better by doing things together. So, when old man winter blows into your area, get out the board games, plan some projects and get down to some blended family bonding!

Plan a few family projects

It’s time to clean out the attic, garage or guest bedroom, and jump-start spring-cleaning with blended family bonding. Assign stepfamily members different tasks, but make sure they are still working as a team. You can even take the opportunity to get their bedrooms cleaned out.  Give one child a garbage bag for donations to charity, and a second child a garbage bag for trash.  After the room is picked up, assign the same team to dust and vacuum the room. When one project is completed stepparents and stepkids can celebrate together by having a special meal, or going out to eat a special treat.

Provide fun opportunities for stepsiblings to connect

Have available board games, the Wii, PSIII or XBox stocked with games, or even a set of checkers or puzzle left out on the table, and you are on way to blended family bonding.  As much as teenagers love technology, a checkers tournament can also be a blast. As long as the mood is kept light, stepsiblings may try to figure out one another’s strategies or maybe even team up together to figure out a winning stepparent’s or bio parent’s strategies, so one of them can win!

Leaving out a challenging winter puzzle for several weeks offers a chance for stepparents or stepsiblings to help one another solve the puzzle. Hardly anyone can walk past a puzzle without trying out a few pieces. Take advantage of those moments when stepchildren are pondering over pieces to join them, working with them to achieve success.

When the kids are busy doing things, whether fun or work, they are getting to know each other, and bonding as a family.  It sometimes happens naturally, but as a parent in a stepfamily, providing multiple opportunities to connect will make blended family bonding easier and happen faster.

Begin planning for summer trips

I know it’s the middle of winter, but it’s time to start introducing the idea of traveling together as a blended family, and this is another opportunity for important blended family bonding.  Bring home brochures from travel agencies, and guidebooks from the library.  Find out what locations your biological kids and stepkids are interested in visiting.  Start talking about types of trips:  do you have an active family that would enjoy backpacking and hiking for a week?  Or, is your blended family the type that would love an all-inclusive resort, with comfortable beds and air conditioning?  There are also economical cruises that offer nonstop activities for your blended family.

Remember, the adults make the final decisions, but it’s great to get input from your blended family members to reinforce your unique bond and make your time together an opportunity for blended family bonding.  Stepsiblings will discover that they have more in common with each other, as they voice their likes and dislikes for various types of trips.  Once you have an idea of what interests them (and what doesn’t interest them) it’s time to do research and figure out what works for your families schedule and budget. 

Remember, spending more money doesn’t mean you’ll have a more wonderful time, or even that you love your children more. Children value the time you spend with them, not the money.  You goal is to create memories for them, memories of time spent with parents who love them and stepsiblings who are now a part of their blended family. Blended family bonding is easy when parents and stepparents remember that part of becoming a family is to have a little fun on the way!

The Blended and Step Family Resource Center has many resources to help blended and step families work and succeed. The book, Blended Family Advice, written by the center’s founder and director, Shirley Cress Dudley, is a very useful tool for helping blended families find their way to becoming strong social units for growth and development.

Why did my parent have to remarry and start a blended family?

Kids can’t understand divorce or remarriage, and they surely won’t understand why one or both of their parents have created a new blended family. You just can’t ignore the fact that your kids will be thrust into a step family and have no clue how to feel or act. Here are a few points to go over and things to say to your children. This should just be seen as a jumping off point, as your comments will vary depending on the ages of your children.

The kids did not cause the divorce

Even before you discuss your new blended family, make sure your kids know that your divorce from their other parent had absolutely nothing to do with causing it. Ensure your kids that they are loved by mom and dad just as much as before the divorce, and that you will always be there for them, no matter what.

Parents need companionship from other adults

Children are great, but they can’t replace the companionship we get from other adults. Kids enjoy being with people their own age, and it’s no different for adults. As a parent, I wouldn’t ask you to stay and hang out with me when you can be having fun with your friends. This is why dad has decided to enter remarriage, which means we will create a step family. Your new step parent doesn’t know you, just like you don’t know them. Talk to each other and learn what you have in common.

Liking your new step mom doesn’t mean you are betraying your mother

There is no competition between your biological mom and your step mom. You will forever have one set of biological parents and a step mom is just extra, in a good way. Your dad will be happier and he will become a better parent. It is perfectly fine to like your new step mom, and your biological mom wants you to have fun and enjoy your time with dad and your new step parent.

Who does dad love more, me or my step mom?

He loves you both immensely, just in different ways. The love a parent has for a child is nothing like the love he has for a step parent. When you grow up and make your own family, do you want dad moving in to hang out with you? Do you want him to come to your dorm (or your room, or the mall) and hang with you and your friends? Of course not, because just like him, you want to enjoy people your own age.

With your kids going through so many changes and emotions becoming a blended family, communication is the most important thing. Adult concerns and decisions should be kept private, but kids have to be made aware of upcoming changes, and what your expectations will be. Your blended family transition can be made easier as long as communication remains open, honest and straightforward.

If you need help with your blended family, The Blended and Step Family Resource Center, founded by Shirley Cress Dudley, is ready to assist you with its counseling and coaching services. Shirley is the author of the book Blended Family Advice, as well as other informative resources aimed at promoting strong and successful blended and stepfamilies. Get in touch with a licensed professional counselor today and let us help to provide you with answers.

How to know that you have created a successful step or blended family

Look for these signs to know that your blended family efforts have paid off:

• You have set rules that apply to everyone. This means that house rules for your step family are always the same, even if you are tired or your spouse isn’t home. Biological kids and step kids should all be held to the same standards. Parents should follow a strict set of rules as well.
• Dinner is filled with laughter. It is a good sign if kids and step kids are comfortable enough with each other to joke around and act silly. Keep an eye on the more introverted children in your blended family to see how they are reacting.
• All children, whether biological or step kids, are treated equally. Your kids will be watching to see if anyone gets special treatment of any sort. They will not miss a thing!
• Your children introduce their step mom or step dad to friends or teachers. It may seem strange, but make sure to praise your kids when this occurs. It is a true sign of acceptance when they take this step.
• All the kids in your blended family are interacting with each other. Silence may be the most prominent noise in a blended family home, at least for awhile. Once kids get used to each other they will start to talk and interact more. Don’t thrust yourself into their conversations or activities; let them be together, without knowing a parent is listening in.
• You have photos on the wall, featuring everyone in your step family, and you are all smiling!. This may seem like an odd one, but the truth is that a blended family normally doesn’t photograph well, at least not initially. There will be heads down, pouty faces, rabbit ears, etc. Take and put up some candid photos of them having fun. This is a good first step towards great step family photos.
• Your kids all offer to share snacks with one another. This may seem like a minor thing, but it’s a crucial step in a blended family. It is a sign that they care about their stepsiblings and are accepting them as family members.
• You have developed your own traditions. Each group has entered the step family with memories of past traditions and holidays. Take time to appreciate these traditions, and try to incorporate variations of them into your new traditions.
• A visiting child expresses that hey had fun during their stay and asks when the next visit will be. Progress has truly been made when the child feels at home and looks forward to their next visit. Make certain that visiting children have a space to call their own. It doesn’t have to be a room of their own, but just somewhere to leave their belongings and feel at home.

Creating a blended family is challenging, but it is well worth it. It is quite a feat to watch two individual families become one amazing unit. Easy? No! Doable? YES!

For more ideas and advice on how to navigate your blended family towards a solid relationship, The Blended and Step Family Resource Center has resources, including licensed professional counselors who can assist with coaching and counseling services. The center is founded by Shirley Cress Dudley, who is also the author of the book Blended Family Advice, as well as other resources aimed at providing guidance and advice for blended and step families.

How to plan for spring break in your blended family

It is time to look past winter and start planning for your spring break with your blended family. This is the best time of all, as our younger kids and step kids are off from school, and our college kids come home for spring break. There is no better time for everyone to take a much needed break from their hectic schedules and enjoy being with their step family. Here are some great tips on how to enjoy your time with your blended family.

Be fair

If the kids and step kids in your step family do not have breaks at the same time, then you may not find a way for everyone to be together at once. That is okay, as long as each child is treated equally and fairly. For example, if you take the younger kids in your blended family on a hiking trip, then you have to make time to do the same with the older kids.

Maintain balance

If you are blessed and everyone in your step family has a similar schedule, then by all means take a trip together, but just keep a balance. There is no need to spend every second with one another. Plan a few couples activities for you and your spouse, some family activities, child and parent activities, and maybe a few that are all boys and all girls.

A great idea for a blended family getaway is a cruise, which can allow everyone enough space to roam around and choose the activities that interest him or her. You can spend breakfast together and plan out the rest of your day. Try to meet back up for each meal so no one feels like they are on their own separate vacations.

The children should have a copy of each parent’s schedule, including their step mom or step dad. Most days, the kids will gravitate to the areas with games, a swimming pool, or places for them to exercise. You too can have a great spring break, and return home with some wonderful blended family memories.

Make it short

Within the first five years of creating your blended family, you probably want to avoid any cross-country expeditions. A spring break is normally a week or more, but that is not to say you need to stay away from home for that long. Allow your kids and step kids some time relaxing at home before they have to head back to school. Being in close confines with the same people for a week at a time can lead to strained relationships, especially in a step or blended family.

Stay on budget

Prepare your vacation budget before leaving, and do not deviate from it. The love in your step family is not measured by how much money you spend. Saying NO occasionally qualifies as good parenting. Giving your children every little thing they want now will lead to adults who expect the same out of life. Make sure they know in advance which activities you can afford, and which will have to wait for the next blended family vacation.

For more ideas and advice on how to manage your blended family, The Blended and Step Family Resource Center has resources, including licensed professional counselors who can assist with coaching and counseling services. The book Blended Family Advice, authored by the center’s founder, Shirley Cress Dudley, provides a wealth of information and advice aimed at helping blended families develop and become strong.

Balancing old and new traditions in a blended family

When special occasions come around in your blended family, are you excited or filled with dread? You have a new blended family of your own now, and you wonder how you can possibly maintain old extended family traditions. When those special occasions roll around, do you drag your step family along, or do you invite extended family members to celebrate the family event at your house? Here are some basic tips to help with those decisions.

Boundaries in your blended family

Your own parents may be demanding at times, but that does not mean you and your blended family must spend every special celebration with them at their home. It is important to show love to your parents, but they have to realize that your first obligations now are with your stepfamily. There is nothing wrong with setting limits with each of your parents.

No is not a dirty word

It is OK to say no to your family. If the schedule of your blended family is too busy, traveling is too expensive, or one of your kids or step kids is ill; it is perfectly acceptable to stay home. When your parents ask if you are coming home for a family celebration, remind them that you ARE home. Creating new traditions for your step family is your first priority.

Having a baby

Families have different views on handling the birth of a baby. Some see it as a private time for mom and dad, while others expect you to allow the entire family into the delivery room with video cameras. There is no right answer, and this should be decided by you and your spouse. However, in such circumstances, the blended family mom should have the final say.

Does any of this actually matter?

Of course it does! A blended family, step kids, a step mom or step dad, and possibly a new baby; this makes navigating extended family events very hard. Even though you have a new stepfamily, your own parents will still expect to spend time with you. The love you have for your parents is wonderful, but it is important to set some boundaries with them in regard to your blended family.

How can I make my parents understand this?

Thank them for the great job they did in bringing you up. Let them know that you understand all the sacrifices they made to provide you with a happy family and a loving home. You can then tell them that it is your turn now, time for you to demonstrate the great parenting skills they taught you, to use them building your new step or blended family.

Conclusion

It is time to make your own traditions with your blended family. Talk with your spouse to find out what made family events special in their family, and incorporate those traditions into your own family functions. You are the bosses of your blended family. Be considerate and loving, but remember your new blended family comes first.

The Blended and Step Family Resource Center offers counseling and coaching services to help blended and step families in adjusting to a new blended family setting. Founded by Shirley Cress Dudley, a licensed professional counselor (LPC) and nationally certified counselor (NCC), the center has resources including the book, Blended Family Advice, which she authored, to help blended and step families become strong and successful.

How to plan a vacation for your blended family

Winter is dragging on, and it’s time to plan a summer vacation for your blended family. You and your new spouse have some decisions to make, and the enjoyment of your new step family is in your hands. Have you considered taking your new blended family on a driving trip across the country? Well, maybe that isn’t the best idea! Your spouse may suggest separate vacations, but that certainly isn’t the answer.

Keep it basic

Is taking a trip across the United States really that bad of an idea? Well, not necessarily. If your blended or step family was created a few years ago, the kids are young, or you own a large motor home, then it may actually be a pretty cool idea. However, if you are a newly created blended family, I wouldn’t recommend it. A trip like that would require a lot of patience in an enclosed space, which may be asking for too much that soon. I would wait at least a full year before attempting a trip like that.

Be fair

Separate vacations aren’t necessarily wrong either, but just a bit tough to pull off. When you create a blended family, the kids and step kids will be looking to see if anyone is treated differently by their step mom or step dad. It is important to maintain a sense of fairness to everyone. There are very few circumstances where separate vacations should be considered for your step family. Here are two of the rare occasions where it may be acceptable.

If the kids have widely varied ages, then their school break times could be very different. In this case, it may be acceptable to take kids on vacation in groups, at different times.

You might want to offer a vacation to an individual child, in celebration for an accomplishment of some sort. That is a nice idea but just remember that the other kids and step kids in your blended family will be expecting the same treatment.

Keep it brief

The ideal blended family vacation is a weekend getaway. However, up to four days would be acceptable. Your first excursion as a family will be a test as you get to know everyone. Close quarters for an extended period should wait until the second or third vacation.

A few possible trips are:

·         A weekend trip to the mountains

·         A weekend at a beach resort

·         A weekend in a historical city, such as Washington D.C.

·         A short cruise (three or four nights max)

Lastly, get some great pictures and video of your getaway. Have the blended family choose their favorite photo to be displayed on the wall, and the rest can go into a special family album. For more ideas and information on how to better manage your blended family, The Blended and Step Family Resource Center is ready to provide useful resources including coaching and counseling services aimed at helping blended families work.

How to design a suitable holiday visitation schedule for your blended family

Now that school is back in session, your kids are back on a regular routine. There is no longer a need to worry about that winter schedule of visitation and those extended stays with the other parent. You can relax and enjoy your blended family, as you settle into your regular routine. Wrong!

There is no time to relax; you have to get your plans together for the upcoming holidays. We have all had it happen, especially in a step family. You sit down as Easter is approaching and realize that you have no clue what is going on. Who is staying where? Are your step kids coming for spring break? Not planning ahead leads to a disaster.

Working out the schedules

Planning a calendar will make everything easier on all members of your blended family. If remarriage has occurred for both you and your ex, then your schedule may very well impact multiple families. Your children also should know well ahead of time where they will be during which times. This will allow them to maintain a sense of stability.

Hopefully, your visitation schedule for the holidays was worked out in your divorce agreement. However, if it wasn’t, then a typical arrangement would call for one parent to have the children on the holidays during even numbered years and the other parent during odd numbered years. 

Travel

Depending on how far away your ex lives, make sure you have transportation plans in place. Will they need to travel by plane, train or car? Many airlines, as well as Amtrak, offer special accommodations for unaccompanied children, as long as they know in advance. Make sure you communicate your plans with your ex-spouse before finalizing anything.

Getting your children ready

It makes sense to set your kids up with their own visitation calendar. A centrally located calendar with each child color-coded is recommended as well. Allowing a child to know what is going on ahead of time gives them a feeling of control and stability.

Clothing

If your children will be visiting a home where there is a blended family with kids or step kids who are their size and gender, it is a good idea to mark their clothing with their name or initials. It is also a good idea to make a list of exactly what you are sending them with, so they can check it off as they repack their clothing to come home. You also want to make sure they are taking clothing that actually still fits.

Vitamins and medicines

You may need specialized containers to transport prescription medication or vitamins, so check that out beforehand. Furthermore, make sure to send instructions to the other parent on how and when to administer the medicine.

If you start planning far in advance, you can be sure that the holidays go off without a hitch for everyone in your blended family. For more ideas and information on how to better manage your blended family, The Blended and Step Family Resource Center is ready to provide useful resources including coaching and counseling services aimed at helping blended families work.

How to get your blended family ready and organized for 2012

The New Year is beginning and there is no better time to get your blended family organized. You have your spouse and kids living with you full-time, and step kids who occasionally visit. Things can get confusing in the home of a blended or step family. 

A calendar for the family

A calendar is a great organizational tool for a blended family. Buy one with several spaces for each day, and then assign each child a color. This includes both biological and step kids. Start by marking all the school events for each child, including holidays, breaks, exams schedules and sporting events. This will allow you to see and plan for important upcoming events in your step family.

Next, make note of birthdays. These may include other relatives and family friends if you like. Anniversaries can be noted. The visitation schedule for the step kids should be noted. Try to plan things out as far in advance as you can. Your blended family can function much better when everyone is on the same page as far as what is happening, and when.

An individual calendar for others

Step kids who do not have daily access to your family calendar should be given a personal calendar which clearly marks their visitation schedule. All kids in a blended family will appreciate knowing when they will be with each parent. Their calendars should be much smaller, perhaps even pocket sized.

Toiletries and grocery lists

It is a good idea to post a list for the weekly grocery run. If someone in your stepfamily needs something, they must write it down. If what they need is not on the list, then they may do without for a week. This is a great way to teach your kids and step kids how to be responsible for their own needs. Every mom, dad, step mom and step dad in the world has had a child ask them at 9 pm whether they remembered to pick up the snacks for their party at school the next day, even though they never actually told you about it.

Laundry

Sorting laundry in a blended family can be a headache, especially if some of your kids are the same gender or size or even age. Try to purchase different brands of clothing for each kid, and write it down somewhere. Mark each shirt with names or initials on the tags. Try to have an assigned laundry basket for each child. Once their laundry is ready, they can pick up their basket, and return it after they put their clothing away.

Finding a way to get organized at the beginning of each year can save you hundreds of headaches over the course of the year. Planning celebrations, vacations and other events is much easier when you have a calendar with all of it mapped out. This is a great way to keep your blended family organized.

For additional ideas and advice in managing your blended or stepfamily, The Blended and Step Family Resource Center is ready to assist you with its counseling and coaching services, as well as other resources aimed at promoting strong and successful blended and stepfamilies. Contact us today and let us help to provide you with answers.

A new beginning for your blended family for 2012

Blended family struggles may have made 2011 a frustrating year for you and your step-family. Are you already trying to forget this year and looking forward to 2012? Well, it is finally here, and the new can be full of exciting experiences and fresh opportunities for you and your stepfamily.

Balancing time with your blended family

Occasionally, a blended family gets out of balance when non-custodial or step kids come to visit. Mom tries to become the best step mom ever and dad does his best Superman impression. Of course, no one is going to be happy 100 percent of the time, and giving the children anything they desire can create a less than ideal environment.

Balancing family

Make a set of rules for your step family, which apply to all your children whether they live there or not. Above all, be sure that everyone is treated the same. When step kids are visiting, it is OK for the biological parent to spend a little personal time with them, but it should not keep them from the rest of the blended family for the entire day. Furthermore, be sure to involve the non-custodial children in everything. They are just as much a part of your blended or step family as anyone else.

Balancing marriage in your stepfamily

The smartest way to maintain a successful and strong stepfamily is to keep your marriage in good shape. You should make time for your spouse every day and plan date night a few times each month.

Balancing life

You need to manage your job, spouse, kids and blended family, but be sure not to forget about yourself! Being the step dad or step mom is hard, and if you keep running around making sure everyone else is happy, then you will end up burnt out and of no use to your step family.

Relax

Unwinding after a hectic day is important. What works for you? Whether it is taking a bubble bath or reading a good book, make time for what helps you unwind. Everyone can find time to relax if they try hard enough. Trust me; your blended family will thank you for it, because you will find yourself being a bit more patient with everyone when you are more relaxed.

Respect

Show yourself respect and allow others to respect you as well. When your spouse, children or step kids ask you what you want for Christmas or for a birthday, give them an actual answer. Start thinking about yourself; you deserve it.

The most important thing to do is make a little time for you. A little personal time will rejuvenate your mind, body and soul. In turn, your stepfamily will appreciate the happier, healthier and stronger you. This will ensure that your blended family has a great 2012!

The Blended and Step Family Resource Center aims to help blended and stepfamilies become strong and successful. We offer counseling and coaching services to step parents and those who will become part of a blended family. Contact us today and let us help you find hope for your blended family.

When a college-aged child comes home to the blended family

Blended family transitions can be confusing. Whether they come after the school year or during an extended holiday break, parents of returning college-age children are faced with a difficult transition when their child returns home. This is true in nuclear families, too, but especially poignant when divorce, remarriage, step family and step kids have changed the home your college-age kids once knew.

Transition

It is important to remember that this time of transition is just as hard, if not harder, on your child as he or she returns home. They have been out on their own for a while now, and even though you may have been covering some of their bills; college is moderately supervised, but they still have a good feel for independence, and probably like it.

In college, they have been making their own decisions and controlling their day to day activities and schedule. They chose what they ate, when they slept, how late they stayed out, and pretty much everything else. Now that they return home, hard enough under any circumstance, they are returning to a new blended family. Mom has entered remarriage and lives somewhere new. That comforting feeling of home is no longer there.

Dad is married again as well, and his new wife has kids of her own, new step kids for him and step siblings for him or her, so your child feels out of place there as well. All kids, even college kids, still may hold to that fantasy of mom and dad reuniting, and everything going back to the way it was. These dreams may live for many years after the divorce has occurred. He now has a step family, step mom, and a step dad to get to know, and all can be very overwhelming.

If both parents have entered remarriage, the reconciliation ship has sailed. Children may need a reminder that things are different now. Guiding them through these changes will teach them maturity and leave them better prepared to handle future adversity.

Keep in mind that your child has been away during the process of creating a blended family, and they may need their own space for awhile. They may want to drift back and forth, visiting between biological parents, which is perfectly fine so long as you are aware of their whereabouts at all times.

Since home and the step family may not feel comfortable to them yet, some students may choose to travel during their break. Try not to see this as an insult or something negative. Seeing the world will do them good, and it will open their eyes and expand their ability to be independent. Their travel may be sponsored or supervised by their school, so be wary of jumping to judgment.

Drawing the Line

Although we have focused on compromise, there are some areas that should stay the same. If your child will not be contributing to household costs in any way, then they must obey the house rules and the requests of the adults. This could include being assigned certain tasks in and around the home.

Summary

Blended family, step family, or nuclear family, it is important to remember that mom, dad, step mom and step dad all love their kids and step kids. Just make sure your college-age kids know this by continually reminding them. It is a difficult age, and you no doubt remember it quite well. No longer a child, yet not prepared to be an adult. Give them a chance to be independent, while remaining close enough for them to lean on when necessary.

The Blended and Step Family Resource Center offers assistance in the form of counseling and coaching services as well as other resources to help blended families become strong and successful in their new family setting. Get in touch with our licensed professional counselors if you need help with your blended and step family.

Maintaining traditions in a blended family

When special occasions come around in your new blended family, are you excited or filled with dread? Do you wonder how you will manage to devote time to traditions held by the rest of your family? When holidays roll around, do you drag your step family somewhere, or do you hold an event at your house? Here are some basic tips to help with those decisions.

Boundaries in your blended family

Sure, your own parents can be demanding at times, but that does not mean you and your blended family have to spend your holiday at their house every year. It is important to show love and consideration to your parents, but they have to realize that your first obligations now are to your blended family. There is nothing wrong with setting limits with each of your parents.

NO is not a dirty word

It is OK to say no to your family. If the schedule for your blended family is too busy, you cannot afford the trip, or one of your kids or step kids is ill, it is perfectly acceptable to stay home for the holidays. When your parents ask if you are coming home for a holiday, remind them that you ARE home. Creating new traditions in your step family is, and should be, your first priority.

Having a baby

Families have differing views on handling the birth of a baby. Some see it as a private time for mom and dad, while others expect the entire family is welcome in the delivery room with video cameras. There is no right answer, and should be decided by you and your spouse. However, due to the circumstances, mom should have the final say.

Does any of this actually matter?

Of course it does! A blended family, step kids, a step mom or step dad, and possibly a new baby; this makes navigating family events complicated. Now that you have a stepfamily, your parents will expect to spend time with you, and with them, too. The love you hold for your parents is wonderful and valuable, but it is also important to set some boundaries in relation to your blended family.

How can I make my parents understand this?

Thank them for the great job they did in bringing you up. Let them know you understand and appreciate all the sacrifices they made to provide you with a happy family and a loving home. You can then tell them that it is your turn now. Now it is time for you to demonstrate the great parenting skills they taught you and use them with your own step or blended family.

Conclusion

It is time to make your own traditions with your blended family. Talk with your spouse to find out what makes family events special in their family, and incorporate those aspects into your new family celebrations. Remember that you and your spouse are the bosses in your blended family, and the decision on how you spend your holidays is entirely yours.

The Blended and Step Family Resource Center offers counseling and coaching services to help blended and step families in adjusting to a new blended family setting.

Successful co-parenting possible when children are focus!

Co-parenting sometimes comes with a lot of emotional baggage and hurt feelings. Trying to figure out a new relationship with your ex-spouse can be a rollercoaster ride, especially when parents forget to put the children’s needs ahead of their own emotions. Keeping the focus on the children, while maintaining an appropriate and respectful relationship with your ex-spouse will help resolve visitation issues and keep the divorce as positive as possible. Co-parenting is necessary and can be done in a positive, sane manner when the children’s comfort is the first consideration.

Keep it sane and fair!

Co-parenting does not have to be a stressful undertaking, but sometimes ex-spouses will communicate with emotions instead of words, using any opportunity to bash one another for the failure of the marriage. After divorce, it is time to put the focus on children, and communicate only when necessary about the children. Any other communication is unnecessary and could be confusing not only to the children, but to adults, too. There is nothing more annoying than having an ex-spouse scream at you for missing a child’s softball game or band concert, but responding by yelling back will get you nowhere. Remember that your ex-spouse may be expressing feelings about you not attending the event, and that is okay, but the yelling and screaming is definitely not. Step back from the knee-jerk reaction to yell back and take a deep breath. Also, remember to stay on track with visitation, and do not cheat your ex-spouse out of their days.

Making good on your promised schedule will also keep things stable for the kids, and after a divorce this should be your primary concern. Sharing holidays with your ex-spouse is fair to the children who want to spend time with both parents during these special times. Calendars are a great way to let children know the visitation schedule in advance, and keeps them updated on any changes. Stay positive about switching days so they enjoy the time they have with you! Co-parenting without stress is possible when schedules are fair and adhered to, and emotions take a back seat.

Flexibility essential in successful co-parenting!

Co-parenting requires flexibility. Arranging two different schedules can be difficult, and adding children to the mix sometimes makes it even more complicated. When ex-spouses remember that schedule conflicts inevitably arise and are willing to cooperate, co-parenting becomes much more manageable. If schedule conflicts pop up more often than necessary, though, it is a good idea to tell the ex-spouse that you need a 30-day notice for conflicts, and then stick to your word. Co-parenting without flexibility only makes communication more stressful for everyone, and sends the wrong signal to your children.

Co-parenting is not easy, but it does not have to be a recipe for disaster, either. Two different schedules can be managed if ex-spouses keep their focus on children and avoid discussions that have nothing to do with the kids. Visitation should always be fair, and successful co-parenting considers the needs of all parties involved. That means fair to the children, as well. Calendars are a great tool to keep children updated on visitation schedules and changes. Flexibility is necessary when managing so many different schedules, because it will help keep interactions sane and amiable. Co-parenting is necessary when divorce occurs and children are involved, but it doesn’t have to be filled with negativity or stress if you keep the focus on the children.

The Blended and Step Family Resource Center offers coaching services to blended and stepfamilies, and those engaged to be married and become blended families. Other resources designed to promote strong and successful blended and stepfamilies are also available. Contact us today and let us help to provide you with answers.