The key to happiness in a blended family is reducing stress

In the year 2011, a step or blended family was reported to be the most common type of family in the United States. However, even though a stepfamily is much more common, it remains a major source of stress for the people in these homes.

When two people who have gone through a divorce decide to enter remarriage, and one or both of them bring children into the relationship, the resulting unit is called a blended family or step family. If they both bring children, then each adult must navigate the nuances of being a step mom or step dad, and this is where stress first creeps in.

Not only adults feel the stress. Everyone does. You and your spouse have gone through the ceremony and made the commitment and said the vows, but no one really feels like a family just yet. There is competition, conflict, and jealousy among the adults and children in your step family. In order to solve these problems, the adults often make a concerted effort to mollify anyone who is upset.

Disney Dads and Super Moms

Some guys will try to become what is known as a Disney Dad.  Here is a quiz to find out if you are one:

·         Are you overly nervous when your kids are coming to visit?

·         Do you try to make everything perfect for their visit?

·         Do you attempt to arrange amazing activities each time they come?

·         Do you ignore others when they come?

If you answered yes to two or more questions, then you are guilty! That is not necessarily a bad thing, but you should try to remember that not everyone is going to be happy 100 percent of the time, no matter what you do.

Women often attempt to be Super Mom, trying to please their spouse, kids, step kids, and anyone else they can. They go into overdrive trying to do all they can to make the new blended family perfect. There is only one problem with that. Perfection is an impossible goal!

Keep Things in Perspective

You are painting yourself into an impossible corner. There is no way you will please every kid in your blended family, at all times. Even if you came close, it would never be enough, and they would expect more. The bar will continue to be raised until it is grossly out of your reach.

Less Stress

The less stress there is, the happier your entire stepfamily will be. Even your spouse will never be happy all the time, but you can keep your marriage strong by setting aside some one-on-one time each day. You can work together to create fair and caring house rules for your blended family, create goals, and discuss your future.

All your kids, including step kids, want to feel like they belong.  Eat meals together, take them on errand runs, and include them in your family activities. It is important to make all the kids, whether biological or step, feel as though they have an important place in the blended family.

Your kids need structure and leadership, not a friend. This is no time to eliminate discipline and try to be their pal. They have pals. You are not a pal, you are a parent. Your kids want you to be proud of them, so give them some responsibility and something to shoot for.

Creating an even balance between couple time, parent and child time, and blended family time will leave you with far less stress each day. Life will never be perfect. It never has been and likely never will be, even with your new step family.  Concentrate on balance and structure and you will be just fine!

If you need advice with your blended family, The Blended and Step Family Resource Center exists to provide coaching and counseling services as well as information resources to help blended and step families work and become better family units. Get in touch with our licensed professional counselors today.

Blended and Step Family Resource Center receives 2011 Best of Charlotte Award in the Mental Health Clinics category from USCA

US Commerce Association (USCA) has presented the 2011 Best of Charlotte award in the Mental Health Clinics category to The Blended and Step Family Resource Center.

The USCA "Best of Local Business" Award Program recognizes outstanding local businesses throughout the US. Annually, the USCA identifies companies that they believe have achieved exceptional marketing success in their local community and business category, enhancing the positive image of small business through service to their customers and community.

New York-based U.S. Commerce Association (USCA) is funded by local businesses operating in towns, large and small, across the country. USCA promotes local business through public relations, marketing and advertising.  

USCA has earned respect and loyalty by following a simple, three-part strategic vision:

• Be the primary repository of the best in local business information and resources. 
• Attract the best people. 
• Promote the best practices in the industry

USCA works exclusively with local business owners, trade groups, professional associations, chambers of commerce and other business advertising and marketing groups. It's mission is to be an advocate for small and medium size businesses and business entrepreneurs across America.

Blended and Step Family Resource Center or Blended Family Advice (BFA) was founded by Shirley Cress Dudley, internationally known author and conference speaker, licensed professional counselor (LPC) and nationally certified counselor (NCC)  with a master's degree in marriage and family counseling, and a master's degree in education.

Stepkids can help healing process with comforting words and gestures at stepparent death

When a stepparent dies it is sometimes difficult for stepkids to know how to react, or what role to take in the mourning process. When stepkids have moved out of the house and started their own families it can be even more complicated. Blended family members who see each other only at holidays or special events will face different expectations from the stepfamily, than those who are bonded and share a close relationship.

Step-siblings appreciate comforting words and gestures at stepparent death

Whether or not a stepchild attends a stepparent’s funeral depends upon the level of blending in the stepfamily. If there are strained relations between step-siblings or if the adult stepkid has not spent a lot of time participating in family events, then it is perfectly acceptable to make a phone call to the family and share your condolences, send flowers and follow-up with a heartfelt card. However, if the family is close and the adult stepkid is able and welcome to attend, then by all means be there for the blended family. Letting step-siblings know that your heart is with them at their time of loss, whether you attend the funeral or not, is always a comforting gesture.

Funerals a time for honesty and open hearts

Sometimes, conflicts arise and even the closest of family members are unable to attend a loved one’s funeral. If a stepfamily has a close relationship and stepkids wish to honor their stepparent by attending the funeral, then that is wonderful! If, on the other hand, stepkids are not close to the blended family or there is animosity between step-siblings, then it may be best to not attend the funeral as it can only add to anxiety. If you are an adult stepkid who is part of a well-blended family, but a scheduling conflict with work or military service, or illness prevents you from attending, don’t be too hard on yourself. Conflicts happen, and people will understand. Make sure to phone step-siblings well in advance to let them know you are unable to attend, but mention that your heart is with them at this difficult time, then follow-up with a card or flowers. Opening our hearts when a stepparent dies can heal animosities and mend old grudges, and bring much-needed comfort during this sad and stressful time.

Stepparent death is as difficult to deal with as any other loss, sometimes even more so, but it need not create more stress than necessary. If adult stepkids don’t see the blended family more than a few times a year at holidays or special get-togethers, then it probably is okay to not attend the funeral. However, you should phone step-siblings and follow-up with a card or flowers for the funeral, or even make a donation to the stepparent’s favorite charity. Reaching out beyond the physical and emotional distance in a blended family, while keeping in mind that funerals are as much for the living as it is about those who have passed, will help you know which choice to make in the event of stepparent death.

For additional information about issues with your blended and step family, The Blended and Step Family Resource Center is willing to share advice and useful tips to help you deal with various situations relating to your blended family.