5 golden rules for grandparents in blended families

Being part of a blended family is difficult. Sometimes teaching your parents how to accept the new blended or step family is even more difficult. These 5 golden rules for grandparents can help you ease them into their new roles, rather than assuming they will know how to respond in the newly blended family. You and your new spouse have had some time to get to know one another before deciding to blend your families; your parents will also need that time after the wedding to learn how to respond to the new stepfamily situation. These tips, or 5 golden rules, are a good starting place to open up the conversation and give them guidelines on how to behave in a blended family, particularly with their new set of step grandkids.

Rule One: Treat all children, biological or stepchildren equally and fairly

Treat your step grandkids as if they were all your biological grandchildren.  They are waiting and watching to see if you will be fair to all.  If your biological grandchildren call you grandmother- then invite your new step grandchildren to call you grandmother. If you hug your grandchildren when you see them, then hug your step grandchildren, too.

Even better, dispense with the biological and step labels as soon as you can! Keeping these labels in your head may cause you to treat your grandchildren unequally.

Rule Two: Express interest in each new step child

Make time to learn about your new step grandchildren: their activities, friends and hobbies.  Figure out what makes each child unique.  These endeavors will help you feel more comfortable around them, and help you get to know them. Also, your step grandkids may want to get to know you a little better, and this opens the door to a closer relationship. 

Rule Three: Remember special days

Acknowledge birthdays, school events, and any other special activities of your new step grandkids.  At the beginning of each year, mark all special events on the calendar.  You may even want to purchase birthday cards, or gift cards all at once.  That way, you are fair to all the grandkids and don’t forget anyone.

Don’t forget your new daughter or son in law, too.  Remembering them with a card on their birthday will help show your support for the marriage. Share information about your family history or family recipes, to help your daughter or son (by marriage) feel a part of your family.

Rule Four: Don’t reminisce about the past

Your adult child has divorced and moved on to a new marriage. Recalling the good times in their old marriage is not going to help with blending the new marriage. Take the old wedding photos off the wall and put them away in a special album. It’s okay to keep these pictures, but do not display the old marriage partners on the wall for everyone to see when they visit you.

Rule Five: Listen

When your adult child calls and wants to talk about their frustrating moments in their blended family, don’t judge or say anything negative that you’ll regret later.  It’s very difficult to blend a family and requires a lot of patience. Support your son or daughter as they try their best to be a good parent and spouse in this new blended family.

Remember: As grandparents in a blended family, it’s your job to love all of your grandkids and support your adult child and his or her spouse in the newly blended family. It may be a little new and unfamiliar at first, but well worth your efforts. You will have the reward of a bigger family to love you back.

The Blended and Step Family Resource Center aims to help step families conquer the challenges of life in a blended family setting. A successful blended family life does not happen overnight nor is it easy. By adhering to proven principles that work, it becomes attainable when applied with consistency and discipline.

Creating stepfamily balance means setting boundaries

Your spouse is angry, the kids are fighting, crying, or both, and you haven’t gone to the gym in two weeks!  Your blended family has descended into chaos and you desperately need help creating step family balance. Don’t worry. There are steps you can take to get your marriage, family and self back into shape, creating stepfamily balance that will last a lifetime.

Find time for yourself. 

If you keep running and running, making sure that everyone in your stepfamily is happy, and you forget yourself, you are going to burn out.  Stop and think about this, when are the days that you lose your temper and yell, or burst into tear, or basically can’t parent or be a loving spouse?  Those are the days you’ve forgotten to take care of yourself! You don’t have time to skip relaxing. Figure out what makes you calm and make room for these activities in your day, and you will be on your way to creating stepfamily balance.

Making time for spouse important to creating balance in stepfamilies

I’m sure you didn’t remarry because it was always your goal in life to be a stepparent, to parent another person’s child and be responsible for this child without all the authority. You entered this marriage because you love your mate and saw a second chance to have a great marriage.

If you want a great marriage, then you need to spend time with your spouse. Your marriage should be in the center of the family, not the kids or stepkids. The two of you should connect daily, and plan at least a couple of times a month to get away from the kids and just enjoy life together. It doesn’t have to be an expensive, out of town vacation, it can be a quiet dinner, looking into your love’s eyes and just listening to them talk.  What is important is that you are continuing to get to know your mate, pay attention to his or her interests, and be an active part in their lives. Creating stepfamily balance means including the needs of the marriage.

Let’s talk about parent/child time and blended family time

Balance your family time. Biological parents should have some dedicated time, at least once a week (or at least once a visit) with their kids. This doesn’t have to be over-the-top theme park quality time. Kids can accompany parents to the hardware store, the grocery store or other errands.  Stopping to get a soda or ice cream on the way home makes it even more special, but the real focus is that the parent is giving the child one-on-one time.

How do you know if you’re out of balance? If your spouse gets upset whenever the kids visit and says she’s being ignored then you’re out of balance. If your spouse says he never has any couple time with you anymore, then you are out of balance.

Remember, the most important thing in a blended family is to create balance with your time.  Dedicated parent/child time is great and a necessary part of a healthy family, but should never be the primary focus of any child’s visit. When the whole family comes together, your entire blended family is now more capable of accepting their stepsiblings and positively responding to family events. Your family is important, and creating a healthy balance means dedicating time to yourself, your spouse, parent and child time, and blended family time.  It isn’t easy.  There will be days in which you don’t get any significant time to yourself. But taking these steps will pave the way to creating blended family balance, and make everyone happier and more emotionally healthy in the end. 

The Blended and Step Family Resource Center aims to assist your blended family with our counseling and coaching services. We also have resources, including the book Blended Family Advice, to help you manage the different issues that typical blended families have to deal with, and more. Contact us today and let us know how we can help.

Beat winter blues and enjoy blended family bonding time!

When the weather is cold, sometimes you’re stuck in the house with nothing to do. Wait a minute. Don’t you have some work to do on blending your stepfamily? Winter is the perfect time for blended families to get to know each other better by doing things together. So, when old man winter blows into your area, get out the board games, plan some projects and get down to some blended family bonding!

Plan a few family projects

It’s time to clean out the attic, garage or guest bedroom, and jump-start spring-cleaning with blended family bonding. Assign stepfamily members different tasks, but make sure they are still working as a team. You can even take the opportunity to get their bedrooms cleaned out.  Give one child a garbage bag for donations to charity, and a second child a garbage bag for trash.  After the room is picked up, assign the same team to dust and vacuum the room. When one project is completed stepparents and stepkids can celebrate together by having a special meal, or going out to eat a special treat.

Provide fun opportunities for stepsiblings to connect

Have available board games, the Wii, PSIII or XBox stocked with games, or even a set of checkers or puzzle left out on the table, and you are on way to blended family bonding.  As much as teenagers love technology, a checkers tournament can also be a blast. As long as the mood is kept light, stepsiblings may try to figure out one another’s strategies or maybe even team up together to figure out a winning stepparent’s or bio parent’s strategies, so one of them can win!

Leaving out a challenging winter puzzle for several weeks offers a chance for stepparents or stepsiblings to help one another solve the puzzle. Hardly anyone can walk past a puzzle without trying out a few pieces. Take advantage of those moments when stepchildren are pondering over pieces to join them, working with them to achieve success.

When the kids are busy doing things, whether fun or work, they are getting to know each other, and bonding as a family.  It sometimes happens naturally, but as a parent in a stepfamily, providing multiple opportunities to connect will make blended family bonding easier and happen faster.

Begin planning for summer trips

I know it’s the middle of winter, but it’s time to start introducing the idea of traveling together as a blended family, and this is another opportunity for important blended family bonding.  Bring home brochures from travel agencies, and guidebooks from the library.  Find out what locations your biological kids and stepkids are interested in visiting.  Start talking about types of trips:  do you have an active family that would enjoy backpacking and hiking for a week?  Or, is your blended family the type that would love an all-inclusive resort, with comfortable beds and air conditioning?  There are also economical cruises that offer nonstop activities for your blended family.

Remember, the adults make the final decisions, but it’s great to get input from your blended family members to reinforce your unique bond and make your time together an opportunity for blended family bonding.  Stepsiblings will discover that they have more in common with each other, as they voice their likes and dislikes for various types of trips.  Once you have an idea of what interests them (and what doesn’t interest them) it’s time to do research and figure out what works for your families schedule and budget. 

Remember, spending more money doesn’t mean you’ll have a more wonderful time, or even that you love your children more. Children value the time you spend with them, not the money.  You goal is to create memories for them, memories of time spent with parents who love them and stepsiblings who are now a part of their blended family. Blended family bonding is easy when parents and stepparents remember that part of becoming a family is to have a little fun on the way!

The Blended and Step Family Resource Center has many resources to help blended and step families work and succeed. The book, Blended Family Advice, written by the center’s founder and director, Shirley Cress Dudley, is a very useful tool for helping blended families find their way to becoming strong social units for growth and development.

Avoid fussing and get down to fun with blended family holiday management tips!

Blended family holiday management is essential well before the holidays arrive in order to set up clear expectations and avoid frustration with what should be special family time. Talking with ex-spouses and extended family about the details of each holiday event, including who the children are spending time with and whether or not to exchange gifts, is essential planning that will avoid hurt feelings and unexpected surprises. These blended family holiday management tips will help make these holidays memorable and peaceful for every family member.

Who goes where over holidays should be worked out in advance for blended family

Blended family holiday management requires sharing of children’s holiday time with ex-spouses. Get together with your ex-spouse and discuss the children’s schedule from now until January 3, and then make sure there are no changes to the plans unless there is an emergency. Working out a holiday schedule that exchanges the children on special holidays every year will help ensure that each spouse spends this special time with the children, and avoids hurt feelings. For example, one year mom will get the children at Thanksgiving, and the next year dad gets them. Make sure you reinforce to children how lucky they are to have a mom and dad and stepparents who love them very much, and then sit down with them and show them the calendar schedule. Make sure to talk to the kids about how they will get to their holiday location, whether on plane, train, car, etc. Blended family holiday management done positively, with expressions of happiness at the time your children will get to spend with extended family at mom’s house or dad’s house, will ease any fears or anxiety children have about splitting time between mom and dad.

Remember to manage extended family expectations at holiday time

Blended family holiday management does not restrict itself to immediate family members; extended family members should also know what you expect. Remind bio-relatives that you would like all children, stepkids and bio kids, treated fairly. Grandma can purchase smaller gifts, but she must remember that all the children should be treated the same. If relatives are uncooperative, then there are two options to consider. The first option is to tell them that you will not exchange gifts this year because they are unwilling to be fair. The second choice, and it is not my favorite, is to plan a separate celebration of bio relatives at another time, when stepkids are not home, and exchange gifts with bio-relatives. The second choice is not a personal preference because it allows bio-relatives to avoid the new stepfamily. If there is no cooperation, though, this may be the only way to avoid a battle and keep the family peace. Ask your kids to not discuss the gift exchange with step-siblings when they return, as it may hurt their feelings. Blended family holiday management is sometimes tricky when bio-relatives are difficult, but advance preparation can avoid uncomfortable surprises.

Break with holiday tradition and make new traditions with your blended family!

Blended family holiday management may mean breaking with tradition and celebrating Thanksgiving on a Saturday or Christmas on December 26.That is okay! Dates are just days of the week, they can be moved to accommodate schedules, and besides, the most important thing to your child is time with both mom and dad. The same can be said for holiday meals. Eating turkey twice in one day is not anyone’s idea of a good time, so why not serve appetizers and mini-desserts when the children return from Thanksgiving at your ex-spouse’s house? Plan a seafood buffet or pasta meal for Christmas instead of ham. Breaking with holiday traditions as a part of blended family holiday management means stepfamilies can begin their own traditions, form new bonds, and make new memories!

Blended family holiday management should begin now, before the holidays arrive and there is no time to negotiate schedules and prepare children. Sharing children’s holiday time with an ex-spouse does not have to be stressful if you agree to share time equally, exchanging holidays every year and arranging events well in advance. Breaking with holiday traditions and scheduling holiday events on different days then they fall on is fine! What is important to children is that they know they will see both mom and dad during this special time. Blended family holiday management is the smart way to avoid holiday upset.

The Blended and Step Family Resource Center was established to assist blended families with its counseling and coaching services, as well as other resources aimed at promoting strong and successful blended and stepfamilies. Get in touch with a licensed professional counselor today and let us help to provide you with answers.

Blended families find success in new marriage with loving and open hearts!

Blended family success is not a guarantee, but can be improved when parents open the doors of communication with children and put their new marriage at the center of the stepfamily. When two adults meet and fall in love the natural path is to marriage. If one or both adults have children from previous relationships they are creating a blended family or stepfamily. Though these adults may be madly in love, the feeling may not be mutual with stepkids who may in fact not like the new stepmom or stepdad at all, and may even feel threatened by their presence. Blended family success is achieved when parents realize its unique challenges and talk with children about concerns and expectations.

All you need is love!

Blended family success is supported when parents communicate that the love they had for their children before the remarriage has not diminished by the addition of the new stepparent and stepkids. When parents remarry, children may feel as if the parent does not love them as much as they love their new partner, and jealous feelings can emerge. When parents reach out every day to let their child or children know they are loved and valued, they no longer feel a need to compete in the stepfamily for affection. Stepmoms and stepdads can also remind children that there is enough love in their hearts to share with them, and that they hope it will help them grow as a family. Blended family success is an opportunity to give and receive more love.

Who is this stranger in my home?

Blended family success is a process that takes time and patience. Adults have had time to get to know one another, but children sometimes have not had that same sort of relationship building during the adult courtship. Remarriage can feel strange and confusing to stepkids. Stepkids may think they are in competition with the stepmom or stepdad, and view that person as the enemy. Giving children time to adjust to this new and sometimes uncomfortable situation is important. They should always be respectful and friendly, but also need space to get to know the new spouse. Stress to stepkids that stepfamilies are not about competition, and stepmoms and stepdads are not replacing a biological parent, or taking a biological parent away. As well, stepparents are not competing with a spouse for the affections of stepkids. Blended family success will flourish in a stepfamily that relaxes into the new relationship and gets to know one another.

Structure essential to blended family transition

Success in a blended family is not guaranteed, especially if the adults do not require that the children respect them. Every adult in the home, including step parents, should be respected by the children.

Establishing family rules and discussing these rules with biological children and stepkids will let everyone know the stepfamily expectations and show children a united front in your remarriage. Adults, regardless of whether they biological parents, or stepmom and stepdad, are always in charge of children. Secrets between parents and children or stepparent and stepkids can be destructive, so always keep your spouse in the loop when it comes to rule making and rule breaking. Sometimes, parents may feel children have already experienced huge upheaval with divorce, and hesitate to put more rules on them. This is a mistake. Children thrive with structure, especially when there are big changes, and will appreciate establishing and maintaining a routine in this time of transition. Blended family success begins with parental leadership.

Marriage is the heart of the family

The path to blended family success is not smooth, but a strong marriage that is nurtured and stable will help smooth the path. Marriages that put children at the center of the family are not often successful because couples lose focus of the loving relationship that created the family in the first place. In our busy lives it is easy to forget a spouse needs to be shown as much attention and love as the children. Even spending a few minutes alone every night before bed, talking about your day or going over plans for the next day, will contribute to a closer relationship and strengthen the stepfamily. Taking two or three nights a month alone with your spouse and going on a date night will even further add to the bond that you are building through remarriage. Children and stepkids thrive within a stable and strong marriage. Blended family success ultimately hinges on whether or not your marriage remains at the center of the stepfamily.

Blended family success is achieved when biological parents and stepmoms or stepdads open their hearts and keep open the lines of communication with stepkids. Stepkids and biological children in a stepfamily need to know they are loved and not in competition with stepmoms and stepdads. Establishing rules and maintaining structure helps stepkids know adult expectations and gives them a sense of order in a sometimes difficult and uncomfortable situation. Putting a marriage first, with loving adults at its center, is the key to building a stable and strong stepfamily, and can make a difference in whether or not you bring about blended family success.

The Blended and Step Family Resource Center has resources to help blended and stepfamilies, including licensed professional counselors who offer coaching and counseling to blended and stepfamilies, as well as those engaged to be married and become blended families. Founded in 2006 by internationally known author and conference speaker, Shirley Cress Dudley, the center focuses on the need for effective counseling and other resources aimed at helping blended and stepfamilies become strong and successful.

Stepkids can help healing process with comforting words and gestures at stepparent death

When a stepparent dies it is sometimes difficult for stepkids to know how to react, or what role to take in the mourning process. When stepkids have moved out of the house and started their own families it can be even more complicated. Blended family members who see each other only at holidays or special events will face different expectations from the stepfamily, than those who are bonded and share a close relationship.

Step-siblings appreciate comforting words and gestures at stepparent death

Whether or not a stepchild attends a stepparent’s funeral depends upon the level of blending in the stepfamily. If there are strained relations between step-siblings or if the adult stepkid has not spent a lot of time participating in family events, then it is perfectly acceptable to make a phone call to the family and share your condolences, send flowers and follow-up with a heartfelt card. However, if the family is close and the adult stepkid is able and welcome to attend, then by all means be there for the blended family. Letting step-siblings know that your heart is with them at their time of loss, whether you attend the funeral or not, is always a comforting gesture.

Funerals a time for honesty and open hearts

Sometimes, conflicts arise and even the closest of family members are unable to attend a loved one’s funeral. If a stepfamily has a close relationship and stepkids wish to honor their stepparent by attending the funeral, then that is wonderful! If, on the other hand, stepkids are not close to the blended family or there is animosity between step-siblings, then it may be best to not attend the funeral as it can only add to anxiety. If you are an adult stepkid who is part of a well-blended family, but a scheduling conflict with work or military service, or illness prevents you from attending, don’t be too hard on yourself. Conflicts happen, and people will understand. Make sure to phone step-siblings well in advance to let them know you are unable to attend, but mention that your heart is with them at this difficult time, then follow-up with a card or flowers. Opening our hearts when a stepparent dies can heal animosities and mend old grudges, and bring much-needed comfort during this sad and stressful time.

Stepparent death is as difficult to deal with as any other loss, sometimes even more so, but it need not create more stress than necessary. If adult stepkids don’t see the blended family more than a few times a year at holidays or special get-togethers, then it probably is okay to not attend the funeral. However, you should phone step-siblings and follow-up with a card or flowers for the funeral, or even make a donation to the stepparent’s favorite charity. Reaching out beyond the physical and emotional distance in a blended family, while keeping in mind that funerals are as much for the living as it is about those who have passed, will help you know which choice to make in the event of stepparent death.

For additional information about issues with your blended and step family, The Blended and Step Family Resource Center is willing to share advice and useful tips to help you deal with various situations relating to your blended family.

Remarriage is not a battleground when children are involved

Remarriage can be difficult, especially when hard feelings linger from a divorce. Sometimes parents will talk negatively about stepparents, or tell children they shouldn’t love the new stepmom or stepdad. This negative talk is confusing and unhelpful for children in a blended family. Remarriage should never be a constant battle for children’s affection, but rather an opportunity to show them how much love it is possible to give.

Remarried parents who take higher ground win the battle

When divorced spouses remarry it can sometimes trigger hostility toward the new stepdad or stepmom, especially if the divorce was tense and volatile. Sometimes, stepparents in a blended family feel as if they have to constantly defend themselves, playing a tit-for-tat game with the biological parent. When a biological parent tells a child he shouldn’t like or accept the new stepparent, or when the biological parent talks negatively about the blended family, it is very confusing. The last thing a child of divorce needs is to feel confused about the stepfamily situation or feel as if he or she has to take side. When faced with this dilemma, stepmoms or stepdads should let the child know that the behavior is not okay, while staying supportive of the biological parent’s role. Tell the stepchild, “Although we disagree with your mother [or father], we know that she [he] loves you.  We love you and want what's best for you.” This lets the child know that the adult’s behavior is not okay and reinforces that the child is loved. Remarriage and divorce are adult situations and children should never have to participate in negative talk about biological parents and stepparents.

Remarriage is not a competition

Behaving as a spoiled child and demanding love and attention over a stepmom or stepdad is never okay. If your blended family is having difficulty with a biological parent pressuring your stepchild or stepchildren to show them favoritism or more attention during school events, it is okay to address the situation with your stepkid, preferably in a neutral place and time. Stay positive about the biological parent and his or her irreplaceable role in the child’s life, and stress that you love the child too, and that this is okay. Remarriage does not have to be filled with constant conflict and stepparents take the high ground will help calm the rough waters.

Be the normal parent!

Remarriage that brings on hostile attacks and negative talk from the biological parent should be explained to children by acknowledging the jealous or destructive behavior without condemning the source. Let the stepchild know that adults get jealous sometimes, just like children, but that there is enough love to go around for everyone. Remind children that stepparents have enough love to help raise them to be successful people, and strive to set a good example as the constant, normal parents. Remarriage is not about winning over the child, it is about helping them understand what is going on around them in a calm and collected manner. Reinforce the blended family expectations and discuss how difficult it is for adults to deal with the complicated emotions of divorce and remarriage.

If you need advice with your blended or stepfamily, The Blended and Step Family Resource Center is ready to assist you with its counseling and coaching services, as well as other resources aimed at promoting strong and successful blended and stepfamilies. Contact us today and let us help to provide you with answers.

Keeping the house rules when adult children return to the blended family

Even adult children returning home to a blended family benefit from some rules and boundaries, according to The Blended and Step Family Resource Center in Charlotte, North Carolina.  Adult stepchildren graduating from college today face a tough job market in which to succeed.  College kids are returning home, for a place to stay until they can launch their careers. Even tougher, are the kids who return to a blended family, one with a new step parent and step siblings. According to The Blended and Step Family Resource Center, boundaries and rules established and agreed upon, before adult stepchildren return to the nest, are essential for the successful blended family. Adult stepchildren can function well living at home with stepparents when presented with clear expectations.

Focus on the positive in your blended family

Focus on the positive when adult children ask to return home. Adult children, in most cases, don't want to ask biological parents if they can move in with a stepfamily, and you might consider it a compliment to your successful remarriage when they do. Clearly, your adult child feels comfortable living with the stepparent, and that is flattering. The Blended and Step Family Resource Center recommends that stepmom or stepdad acknowledge the compliment, and make sure to let the adult stepchild know you are eager to spend more time with him. As well, after the biological parent and stepparent agree upon a set of rules and boundaries, biological parents should lead a discussion about them with the adult stepchild in advance of the move-in date. Adult stepchildren are often willing to comply with rules when they know biological parents and stepparents are happy to have them around.

Rules and boundaries should be reasonable and consistent

Adult stepchildren are, technically, adults, and should be treated as such. However, according to The Blended and Stepfamily Resource Center, and author Shirley Cress Dudley, the adult stepchild who has returned home and is dependent upon the biological parent and stepmom or stepdad, should obey and respect parental authority. Rules and boundaries agreed upon in advance could include guidelines for

-dining and laundry

-a discussion of career plans

-an agreement to actively search and find a job by within a set period

-housekeeping chores

-an agreement to pay rent after six months

-an agreement to a raise in rent after 12 months

-guidelines for guests

-an expectation of quiet after a designated time or else a curfew will be

established

-and an expectation that adults will be treated with respect.

Other discussion topics could include the use of an auto as well as guidelines for gas, insurance, and upkeep; smoking, drinking and girlfriend or boyfriend visits; as well as private time for parent and stepparent. Adult stepchildren who bend or even break established rules should be held accountable with another scheduled family meeting.

Road to independence should be paved with love and encouragement for your adult child

Adult stepchildren moving home is not unusual in light of the job market, and he or she should not be made to feel as if they have failed at adulthood. This won't help a stepchild and it certainly won't bode well for the blended family. Once rules and boundaries have been agreed upon in a stepfamily, welcome and encourage your adult stepchild into the remarriage. Make sure he spends individual time with his biological parent and offer positive support in his job search. Stepchildren, especially adult stepchildren, need their own space, and should be afforded privacy and respect of their belongings by other stepkids. Adultstepchildren who return to the home may need extra help on the road toindependence; stepmoms and stepdads who are part of that journey pave the way to a smooth stepfamily existence.

Adult stepchildren who return home are an unfortunate result of the economic downturn, but it doesn't have to be a miserable experience. The Blended and Step Family Resource Center recommends biological and stepparents discuss and agree upon rules, before the adult stepchild moves in. An adult stepchild is usually amenable to parental guidelines when the discussion is led by the biological parent and assisted by the stepparent. Adult children who return home to a blended family can find success and independence within a remarriage when expectations are clear and rules are well planned.

Blended families are all compatible with love and care, says The Blended and Step Family Resource Center!

The blended family and stepfamily that finds the most success is one with committed parents at the helm who love and respect each stepfamily member as unique individuals. Some blended families are together for years and still don't find themselves compatible. It is not easy for two different families to come together, especially when stepkids are adults and beginning their own families. The blended family, just like any other family, needs clear guidelines and expectations communicated from the start to ensure success.

Blended family with adult stepkids faces unique challenges

The blended family with adult stepkids may not seem to blend as readily as with underage children because the adult stepchild has moved out and moved on with her life, possibly having her own children. Divorce is difficult at any time in life, and a stepmom or stepdad can be a particular challenge for adult stepkids to accept when they are no longer at home and experiencing the remarriage process. It is okay for an adult stepchild to not feel bonded with a stepfamily, but it isn't okay to not respect the stepparent as their parent's spouse. When grandchildren are involved, it can be confusing for them to see other grandparents treated differently; it merely limits the love for the stepkid and their children, not the stepmom or stepdad. The blended family has enough love to include adult stepkids and their spouses and children.

Fair and equal treatment of children essential for compatibility

The blended family works best when all children receive a fair amount of attention and equal treatment by adults. Parents should communicate clear rules and guidelines to children, and remind stepchildren to treat them and each other the way they wish to be treated. It's best not to have different rules for different children. When rules and guidelines are established and enforced fairly between all children in a remarriage, the stepfamily functions as one unit. When house rules are broken, the biological parent should always enforce the rules with the support of the stepparent. Children should show respect for stepsiblings and stepparents at all times, and rudeness should never be tolerated. According to The Blended and Step Family Resource Center, a blended family falling into all out war is never the fault of the child.  It is the responsibility of the parents to communicate rules and expectations.

Blending not a matter of personality or incompatibility

The blended family is like any other family, rife with unique personalities that sometimes clash. When children are born, parents are immediately bonded with that child no matter how challenging the personality; it should be no different for a stepfamily. However, as biological parents may sometimes not like their child's behavior or specific personality traits, the same can be said for the blended family. BFA says that love and acceptance from a stepmom or stepdad goes a long way toward forging a bond with stepkids in a blended family.

The blended family is a unique group of individuals, coming together to create a new family unit. Sometimes it appears that some stepfamilies never accept their members as family, no matter how long they have been together. Divorce and remarriage can be difficult for adult stepchildren to embrace, but whether they do is ultimately their choice. Communication regarding clear expectations and rules in a blended family helps ensure fair and equal treatment, as well as respect for stepsiblings and stepparents. The blended family is no different than any other family, with unique personalities coming together, but The Blended and Step Family Resource Center says it can be successful with loving and supportive adults at the helm.