Blended family success rests in strength of marriage

Being a part of a blended family is certainly not a walk in the park; it takes a lot of effort from all the family members to make it work. It takes hard work to get a blended family happy and functional.  A blended or step family is a complicated and sometimes chaotic construction: it involves moms and dads, step moms and step dads, brothers and sisters, step brothers and step sisters, in different combinations.

Blending your stepfamily
Basically, two different families become one, and it is a delicate process that will bring many emotions, attitudes and feelings to the surface. To make the transition to a blended family easier for every member of that family, here are some basic rules and guidelines to consider:

• Your marriage and the love you share with your new spouse is the glue that holds your blended family together. The reason why you started this new family, this new life, is because you fell in love with your spouse and you wanted to get married. So, value your marriage, invest time in your relationship and above all, keep all the communication lines open. Even if you are afraid of certain sensitive topics (you feel that your spouse spends more time with his or her kids than he does with you, or you are worried that he or she might not be able to become attached to your kids) you have to discuss them. Hiding your feelings will create pressure on your relationship, and that pressure will reflect negatively on your merging family.
• Give time to the kids (your kids and your spouse’s) to deal with the situation. Depending on their age, the transition to a blended family might be smooth or, on the contrary, bumpy.  Younger children usually accept and embrace the idea of a step mom, a step dad or step siblings. However, the transition is a little more complicated for blended families with teenager. Being a teenager is pretty confusing anyway, and having to deal with the whole blended family situation will put even more pressure on teenage kids. You need to show them empathy, love and support. Treat them as grownups: this means talking to them and explaining them that you deserve to be happy and in a loving, fulfilling relationship. Don’t give in to tantrums, menaces, blackmails or any other type of destructive behavior.
• Spend time as a family, and make time for each member of the stepfamily. It’s important to do things together, all of you, as a family: you and your spouse, your children and his or her children. But you also need to make sure that you spend enough time alone with your spouse, that you also allocate time for doing special things with your biological children and also for getting to know your step-kids better. Every member of your blended family needs to feel valued, loved and protected.

If you wonder who to spend the most time with, always focus on your spouse first. Make sure you connect with your spouse each day, and for an extended time on the weekend. If your marriage is not strong, then you will not have a strong blended family.

Check out the many resources at The Blended and Step Family Resource Center for help with managing your blended family.  If you need more extensive help, The Blended and Step Family Resource Center offers assistance in the form of counseling and coaching services to help blended and step families in adjusting to their new family setting.

5 golden rules for grandparents in blended families

Being part of a blended family is difficult. Sometimes teaching your parents how to accept the new blended or step family is even more difficult. These 5 golden rules for grandparents can help you ease them into their new roles, rather than assuming they will know how to respond in the newly blended family. You and your new spouse have had some time to get to know one another before deciding to blend your families; your parents will also need that time after the wedding to learn how to respond to the new stepfamily situation. These tips, or 5 golden rules, are a good starting place to open up the conversation and give them guidelines on how to behave in a blended family, particularly with their new set of step grandkids.

Rule One: Treat all children, biological or stepchildren equally and fairly

Treat your step grandkids as if they were all your biological grandchildren.  They are waiting and watching to see if you will be fair to all.  If your biological grandchildren call you grandmother- then invite your new step grandchildren to call you grandmother. If you hug your grandchildren when you see them, then hug your step grandchildren, too.

Even better, dispense with the biological and step labels as soon as you can! Keeping these labels in your head may cause you to treat your grandchildren unequally.

Rule Two: Express interest in each new step child

Make time to learn about your new step grandchildren: their activities, friends and hobbies.  Figure out what makes each child unique.  These endeavors will help you feel more comfortable around them, and help you get to know them. Also, your step grandkids may want to get to know you a little better, and this opens the door to a closer relationship. 

Rule Three: Remember special days

Acknowledge birthdays, school events, and any other special activities of your new step grandkids.  At the beginning of each year, mark all special events on the calendar.  You may even want to purchase birthday cards, or gift cards all at once.  That way, you are fair to all the grandkids and don’t forget anyone.

Don’t forget your new daughter or son in law, too.  Remembering them with a card on their birthday will help show your support for the marriage. Share information about your family history or family recipes, to help your daughter or son (by marriage) feel a part of your family.

Rule Four: Don’t reminisce about the past

Your adult child has divorced and moved on to a new marriage. Recalling the good times in their old marriage is not going to help with blending the new marriage. Take the old wedding photos off the wall and put them away in a special album. It’s okay to keep these pictures, but do not display the old marriage partners on the wall for everyone to see when they visit you.

Rule Five: Listen

When your adult child calls and wants to talk about their frustrating moments in their blended family, don’t judge or say anything negative that you’ll regret later.  It’s very difficult to blend a family and requires a lot of patience. Support your son or daughter as they try their best to be a good parent and spouse in this new blended family.

Remember: As grandparents in a blended family, it’s your job to love all of your grandkids and support your adult child and his or her spouse in the newly blended family. It may be a little new and unfamiliar at first, but well worth your efforts. You will have the reward of a bigger family to love you back.

The Blended and Step Family Resource Center aims to help step families conquer the challenges of life in a blended family setting. A successful blended family life does not happen overnight nor is it easy. By adhering to proven principles that work, it becomes attainable when applied with consistency and discipline.

Compromise with college kids key to blended family success

This time of year, college kids are returning home for spring break.  It’s a time of transition for the parents and the college-age child and this can be challenging, particularly in blended families.

Transition to home and a stepfamily after the freedom of college may be difficult

College-age kids have been on their own for several months. Although parents are still paying the bills, and college life is somewhat supervised and controlled, your kids have had a taste of independence.  The college experience gives them a safe setting to make decisions, and control their daily schedule:  what they eat, when they sleep, when they go out,  and basically, feel in charge of their daily lives. When they return home, it’s quite a shock when mom and dad want to discuss their every movement.

Compromise required by parents, step parents and college-age kids

It’s time for both parent and college-age student to compromise a bit.  Parents should understand that, although this 18-22 year old is still their child, this same young man or young woman is entering adulthood, and needs to continue to be able to make basic decisions on his or her own, in the safe and supervised environment called home. College students should realize that, although they have had quite a lot of independence throughout the school year, this time of independence has been given to them- compliments of mom and dad’s hard earned money, and supervised by the school.  As long as they are under the financial support of mom and dad, these students need to remember that they are not truly independent or living as functional adults.

Once your college-age kids are able to respect the authority of the parents, and the parents are willing to give the student an expanded level of independence, life is easier for both.

For college-age kids, change to blended family is complicated

These steps are somewhat difficult in a nuclear family, but become even more complicated in the blended or step family. The college-aged child returns home to a blended family and sometimes wonders where his home really is.  Mom has remarried, and moved to a new house. Things look new and different. 

Dad has remarried too, and moved to a new house with his new wife and her kids so his house feels even more unfamiliar. College kids yearn for the dream of mom and dad getting back together, and everyone being united again. Some kids will keep these hopes and dreams years after their parents remarry.

If mom and dad have remarried and there is no chance of reconciliation, the student needs a gentle reminder that life has changed.  Guiding your children through changes and challenges in life will help them mature and learn how to handle struggles and changes as they become adults.

Remember that your student has not been with you, everyday, as you have moved forward into another relatonship or marriage. Give students some extra space.  Allow them to float between mom and dad’s home, as long as both parents know where the student is. 

Some students may choose to travel over the summer, since the home base is not as comforting as it used to be. Travel should not be seen as a negative.  Travel can open your student’s eyes to the world, help expand their independence and survival skills, and present a more cosmopolitan person when interviewing for a job.  Travel could be part of an intern program, mission trip, study abroad summer program, or even a school supervised travel experience.

Sometimes, there is no room for compromise, and that is okay

Although I have discussed several areas of compromise, there are a few expectations that should not change: If the parents are still paying the bills,  children, of all ages (yes- even over 18,) should respect the adults in the home and also obey their requests. Some of these requests may be:  letting parents know if you won’t be home for dinner, keeping your area clean, and participating as a family member (not a guest) and help to keep the home clean.

Family is important, blended, step or nuclear

Whether blended, step or nuclear family, the adults in these homes love their children and step children. It doesn’t hurt to continue to remind your college-aged student of this fact as they return home to a now unfamiliar world.  Remember when you were their age; it’s difficult, not a child and yet not quite an adult.  Love them, provide opportunities for independence, and stand close by to catch them if needed.

For more information and advice on how to better organize and manage your blended family, The Blended and Step Family Resource Center has resources, including informative articles and counseling and coaching services, all aimed at promoting strong and successful blended and stepfamilies.

Blended family organization makes house run smoothly

It’s a brand new year, and if last year’s activities left you breathless and confused, maybe it’s a good time to start the year fresh with some blended family organization You may have a spouse, kids who live in your house, and step kids who visit, and other relatives who visit occasionally.  It can get pretty complicated in blended and stepfamilies homes when juggling a variety of schedules and needs. Blended family organization can help clean up the confusion and keep everyone’s life neat and organized.

Family calendar keeps everyone on schedule

Blended family organization means knowing when events are happening for each member of the family, keeping track of visitation schedules, as well as doctor appointments, dental cleanings, and many other necessary appointments. A family calendar can be a wonderful tool for keeping track of your busy stepfamily.

Purchase a calendar with several lines under each day.  Assign a different color marker to each child.  (This includes biological kids living in the house and step kids that visit.)  One idea is to assign colors based on school colors, especially with older step kids who are in college, or younger kids in different schools.

School schedules are usually the busiest to keep track of in blended families. Print out school schedules and mark each child’s individual school holidays, spring break, exam schedules, sporting events, and any other events you are aware of at this time.  Being able to see the different school schedules, especially upcoming spring breaks, will allow you to start making plans for your various children’s time off.

Don’t forget to keep track of special events of every member of your blended family. Go through the calendar and mark everyone’s birthday.  This includes children, parents, and any other relatives you want to honor on their birthday.  Anniversaries or other special events can also be marked at this time.

Record visitation schedules.  It’s best to plan as far in advance. Usually, separation agreements or divorce settlements will detail visitation, but these dates may be up for discussion and there is not time like now to get those dates cemented and on the family calendar.

Individual Calendars

All children like to know what to expect and giving children who don’t have access to the family calendar their own individual calendar with visitation schedules clearly marked let’s them know they are a part of the blended family plan. All ages, from younger kids to teenagers, want to know which weekend they will be spending at mom’s, and which weekends at dad’s house- so they can make plans.  Make sure these calendars are pocket sized- small enough to carry in a purse or wallet.

Weekly Calendar

Not everyone needs a weekly calendar, but if you have a particularly busy stepfamily, it could make your life much easier. Each weekend, print a calendar for the next week.  The weekly calendar helps make sure no one is left at school after a late practice, and you don’t miss any of your kid’s special events. Including the meals for each night, and how many will be eating, is great for organizing the grocery list, and managing your kid’s meal expectations.

Grocery/Toiletries List

If you find yourself making 20 trips a week to the grocery store or pharmacy, it may be time to add weekly grocery and toiletry lists to your blended family organization. Making everyone in the family responsible for recording their own items will help take the burden off of one person’s shoulders. If it’s not on the list, the offender will have to wait until next week. It may seem tough, but this will teach your children to plan ahead and be responsible for school assignments and their personal toiletries. Blended family organization teaches individual responsibility.

Laundry

Do you have trouble sorting the clothes when you have biological kids and step kids of the same ages/sizes/gender in the house? Here are some tips for keeping track of laundry items: Purchase different brands of clothes for different kids. For instance, purchase only one brand of sports socks for your son. When you step son visits, and you wash his socks- his socks are the ones that are different brand; mark all shirts on the back tag with their first initial; and use separate laundry baskets for each child. When their laundry is finished, each child can pick up their basket and put their clothes away. If they forget, and wonder where their clothes are- send them to the laundry room!

Chore chart

Blended family organization means getting biological kids and step kids on board with keeping with the house neat and clean. Assign chores for all kids, those who live in the house fulltime, and those who visit. For younger children- a chore chart makes it easier for them to remember their assigned chores.  Even visiting children want to feel part of the stepfamily. Assign chores such as washing the dishes, or setting the table to the child that is visiting for the weekend, spring break, or longer summer visits. If a visit is longer than a weekend, each child should be given more chores. No blended family member should be treated as a visitor.

Blended family organization at the beginning of the year will save you hours of time later on in the year. Planning vacations, birthday celebrations and other special events are easier when the calendar is clearly marked. Every child in your stepfamily, whether living their full time or visits feels a part of the family when they see their school schedule, birthday and other special events marked on the family calendar. It’s already February, but it’s never too late to get going with blended family organization so you can enjoy your wonderful stepfamily the rest of the year!

The Blended and Step Family Resource Center aims to assist your blended family with our counseling and coaching services. We also have resources, including articles, newsletters, and licensed professional counselors, to help you manage the different issues that typical blended families have to deal with, and more. Contact us today and let us know how we can help.

Blended family discipline

When your kids have gone through the separation of their parents, a divorce, and then a new marriage, you may think of giving the kids a break and loosening up on discipline. After all, they’ve been through enough, right? Yes, they have, but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t have the same values, boundaries and guidelines as before. In fact, even more than ever, it is important during times of family transitions when lots of things around them are changing, that children are given the consistency and security that comes from discipline. Discipline in a blended family is essential for a successful and positive stepfamily environment.

How do we handle our step kids?

You and your new spouse should discuss house rules and standards for your new home.  Discipline should be considered fair to both adults.  It’s important to respect the biological parent’s history of parenting, but still come to a mutual understanding of how all children will be treated and disciplined in your home.  It’s time for the two of you to discuss boundaries and guidelines for your kids, and for your home.

All kids treated equally

All kids should be treated fairly and equally.  After you and your spouse create house rules such as no eating in the living room, no T.V. after 9pm on a school night, and everyone helps clean up the kitchen after meals, it is important they are followed up with actions.

Also, these rules will apply to every child in your family. Consequences can be different, based on age differences and developmental stage, but consequences still need to be equal and fair, whether it’s a biological child or step child. It also helps if the adults follow the same rules. It’s hard to explain why Dad is eating in the living room, and no one else can!

Biological parent takes the lead

The biological parent should always take the lead with biological kids, in front of the kids. The new stepparent should not be perceived as the only who makes or enforces the rules.  Allow your spouse time to get to know the new step kids, and the biological parent can enforce the consequences of disobeying the family rules.

Also, be consistent! If you make a rule, keep it, everyday. Don’t change the rules on the days you are tired, or the days your spouse is out of the house or out of town.

No secret alliances with your biological kids

If you change the rules when your spouse is not home, this causes your children to not respect their stepparent, and believe that the bond between you and them is stronger than the bond between the parents.  Your relationship with your spouse should take priority.  Keeping your relationship strong with your spouse provides a stable and consistent environment for your children.  The stability and consistency that accompanies blended family discipline will create feelings of security for your children and move your blended family into becoming a strong, successful united family.

For more ideas and information on how to better manage your blended family, The Blended and Step Family Resource Center is ready to provide useful resources including coaching and counseling services aimed at helping blended families work.

Beat winter blues and enjoy blended family bonding time!

When the weather is cold, sometimes you’re stuck in the house with nothing to do. Wait a minute. Don’t you have some work to do on blending your stepfamily? Winter is the perfect time for blended families to get to know each other better by doing things together. So, when old man winter blows into your area, get out the board games, plan some projects and get down to some blended family bonding!

Plan a few family projects

It’s time to clean out the attic, garage or guest bedroom, and jump-start spring-cleaning with blended family bonding. Assign stepfamily members different tasks, but make sure they are still working as a team. You can even take the opportunity to get their bedrooms cleaned out.  Give one child a garbage bag for donations to charity, and a second child a garbage bag for trash.  After the room is picked up, assign the same team to dust and vacuum the room. When one project is completed stepparents and stepkids can celebrate together by having a special meal, or going out to eat a special treat.

Provide fun opportunities for stepsiblings to connect

Have available board games, the Wii, PSIII or XBox stocked with games, or even a set of checkers or puzzle left out on the table, and you are on way to blended family bonding.  As much as teenagers love technology, a checkers tournament can also be a blast. As long as the mood is kept light, stepsiblings may try to figure out one another’s strategies or maybe even team up together to figure out a winning stepparent’s or bio parent’s strategies, so one of them can win!

Leaving out a challenging winter puzzle for several weeks offers a chance for stepparents or stepsiblings to help one another solve the puzzle. Hardly anyone can walk past a puzzle without trying out a few pieces. Take advantage of those moments when stepchildren are pondering over pieces to join them, working with them to achieve success.

When the kids are busy doing things, whether fun or work, they are getting to know each other, and bonding as a family.  It sometimes happens naturally, but as a parent in a stepfamily, providing multiple opportunities to connect will make blended family bonding easier and happen faster.

Begin planning for summer trips

I know it’s the middle of winter, but it’s time to start introducing the idea of traveling together as a blended family, and this is another opportunity for important blended family bonding.  Bring home brochures from travel agencies, and guidebooks from the library.  Find out what locations your biological kids and stepkids are interested in visiting.  Start talking about types of trips:  do you have an active family that would enjoy backpacking and hiking for a week?  Or, is your blended family the type that would love an all-inclusive resort, with comfortable beds and air conditioning?  There are also economical cruises that offer nonstop activities for your blended family.

Remember, the adults make the final decisions, but it’s great to get input from your blended family members to reinforce your unique bond and make your time together an opportunity for blended family bonding.  Stepsiblings will discover that they have more in common with each other, as they voice their likes and dislikes for various types of trips.  Once you have an idea of what interests them (and what doesn’t interest them) it’s time to do research and figure out what works for your families schedule and budget. 

Remember, spending more money doesn’t mean you’ll have a more wonderful time, or even that you love your children more. Children value the time you spend with them, not the money.  You goal is to create memories for them, memories of time spent with parents who love them and stepsiblings who are now a part of their blended family. Blended family bonding is easy when parents and stepparents remember that part of becoming a family is to have a little fun on the way!

The Blended and Step Family Resource Center has many resources to help blended and step families work and succeed. The book, Blended Family Advice, written by the center’s founder and director, Shirley Cress Dudley, is a very useful tool for helping blended families find their way to becoming strong social units for growth and development.

Planning ahead for holiday travel means less stress and more fun for the blended family!

Blended family holiday planning makes good sense. Think about it. If you are in a remarriage and your spouse is in a remarriage, and all of you have children, you are attempting to organize five different families! In stepfamilies, it is best to start this process early, well in advance of the holiday, or confusion and hurt feelings may take the place of opportunities for family bonding. In a blended family, working out details of where children will stay, how they will arrive, and when they will return to the custodial parent helps more than just the parents. Children crave stability, and when they know where they are staying and how they are getting there, it makes them feel more secure and comfortable with the blended family situation. Blended family holiday planning takes a little advance work, but the payoff is huge!

Advanced blended family holiday planning saves money and tension

Blended family holiday planning is best done early for a lot of reasons, and hopefully has been worked out as part of the custody agreement. If it has not been discussed yet, now is the time to do it before the holidays arrive and you are working it out a few days before the event. Stepfamilies often work out agreements that allow one parent to have children on even numbered years, and the other parent to have them on odd-numbered years. For instance, one parent can have the children on Christmas Eve and then they can return to the other parent on Christmas day, or later in the evening, or even the next day. What is important to children is that they get to see both mom and dad! Holiday travel is stressful and expensive, but when planned in advance it can save you money and anxiety. How are the children getting to the other parent’s house, by plane or train or car? Early reservations are less expensive, and they allow parents to make arrangements for unaccompanied children. Both Amtrak and the airlines provide an adult escort to see children through connections but you have to tell the transportation provider that children are traveling alone or you could have an uncomfortable situation on your hands at the gate. Blended family holiday planning means no surprises for you, your spouse, and most importantly, no surprises for the children!

Organize for smooth blended family travel!

Blended family holiday planning should always include lists and labels to help you stay organized. Posting a calendar for children marked with visitation dates and holiday plans will help ease transitions and keep them updated on schedules. There is no need for them to wonder when the next visit to Mom or Dad is coming up when they can look at the calendar and see the schedule well in advance. Advance planning also allows parents to avoid last minute schedule changes and thereby avoiding unnecessary conflicts. Color coordinating calendars by children is helpful in a stepfamily with more than one child in the house. If you have ever had a 16 year old come home with size 3 Batman underwear, then you already know the benefit of labeling clothing! When blended families have more than one child it is helpful to know who owns what or else you could be mailing back packages to the ex-spouse. A list of what your child is sent with, packed into the luggage helps parents know what should be packed for home. Children outgrow clothing faster than you buy it sometimes, so it is a good idea to make sure clothing still fits before labeling and packing. If packing for a week, let your ex-spouse know it may not be necessary to do laundry during their visitation. Blended family holiday planning means less headaches for parents and stepparents during busy holiday events!

Last minute checks before departure is an ounce of prevention!

Blended family holiday planning should include a luggage check before packing. Nothing is worse than losing valuables while traveling, and if luggage has holes it could happen to your child! Purchasing luggage can be costly, but checking the papers for luggage sales or looking at garage sales can help you buy new luggage for your child for much less money. Luggage tags marked with your child’s name and address are essential and will help the noncustodial parent and child identify luggage at the airport or on the train. Have medicine in appropriate containers, and make sure to write down the dosage schedule for your ex-spouse. Blended family holiday planning is well worth the effort, but could fall apart without these last minute checks!

Blended family holiday planning not only makes you and your spouse more comfortable, it offers children continuity and stability. Stepfamily organization is a preventative measure that involves open discussion well in advance of the event. Early holiday planning will help the blended family save money on travel, and allows parents to make arrangements for unescorted children with the airlines or Amtrak. Be sure you do not send your child off with clothes two sizes too small, and make sure to label their clothing for easy packing when it is time to come home. Remarriage can involve up to five families in holiday plans, so keep a calendar to help your children know where they are going and when! Last minute checks will avoid lost valuables and keep medication organized. Blended family holiday planning is an ounce of prevention that goes a long way toward smoothing the path to a happy holiday!

For more articles and advice on how to make the most out of your blended family holidays, get in touch with The Blended and Step Family Resource Center today. Professional counselors are ready to assist with coaching and counseling to help blended and step families become strong and successful.

Avoid fussing and get down to fun with blended family holiday management tips!

Blended family holiday management is essential well before the holidays arrive in order to set up clear expectations and avoid frustration with what should be special family time. Talking with ex-spouses and extended family about the details of each holiday event, including who the children are spending time with and whether or not to exchange gifts, is essential planning that will avoid hurt feelings and unexpected surprises. These blended family holiday management tips will help make these holidays memorable and peaceful for every family member.

Who goes where over holidays should be worked out in advance for blended family

Blended family holiday management requires sharing of children’s holiday time with ex-spouses. Get together with your ex-spouse and discuss the children’s schedule from now until January 3, and then make sure there are no changes to the plans unless there is an emergency. Working out a holiday schedule that exchanges the children on special holidays every year will help ensure that each spouse spends this special time with the children, and avoids hurt feelings. For example, one year mom will get the children at Thanksgiving, and the next year dad gets them. Make sure you reinforce to children how lucky they are to have a mom and dad and stepparents who love them very much, and then sit down with them and show them the calendar schedule. Make sure to talk to the kids about how they will get to their holiday location, whether on plane, train, car, etc. Blended family holiday management done positively, with expressions of happiness at the time your children will get to spend with extended family at mom’s house or dad’s house, will ease any fears or anxiety children have about splitting time between mom and dad.

Remember to manage extended family expectations at holiday time

Blended family holiday management does not restrict itself to immediate family members; extended family members should also know what you expect. Remind bio-relatives that you would like all children, stepkids and bio kids, treated fairly. Grandma can purchase smaller gifts, but she must remember that all the children should be treated the same. If relatives are uncooperative, then there are two options to consider. The first option is to tell them that you will not exchange gifts this year because they are unwilling to be fair. The second choice, and it is not my favorite, is to plan a separate celebration of bio relatives at another time, when stepkids are not home, and exchange gifts with bio-relatives. The second choice is not a personal preference because it allows bio-relatives to avoid the new stepfamily. If there is no cooperation, though, this may be the only way to avoid a battle and keep the family peace. Ask your kids to not discuss the gift exchange with step-siblings when they return, as it may hurt their feelings. Blended family holiday management is sometimes tricky when bio-relatives are difficult, but advance preparation can avoid uncomfortable surprises.

Break with holiday tradition and make new traditions with your blended family!

Blended family holiday management may mean breaking with tradition and celebrating Thanksgiving on a Saturday or Christmas on December 26.That is okay! Dates are just days of the week, they can be moved to accommodate schedules, and besides, the most important thing to your child is time with both mom and dad. The same can be said for holiday meals. Eating turkey twice in one day is not anyone’s idea of a good time, so why not serve appetizers and mini-desserts when the children return from Thanksgiving at your ex-spouse’s house? Plan a seafood buffet or pasta meal for Christmas instead of ham. Breaking with holiday traditions as a part of blended family holiday management means stepfamilies can begin their own traditions, form new bonds, and make new memories!

Blended family holiday management should begin now, before the holidays arrive and there is no time to negotiate schedules and prepare children. Sharing children’s holiday time with an ex-spouse does not have to be stressful if you agree to share time equally, exchanging holidays every year and arranging events well in advance. Breaking with holiday traditions and scheduling holiday events on different days then they fall on is fine! What is important to children is that they know they will see both mom and dad during this special time. Blended family holiday management is the smart way to avoid holiday upset.

The Blended and Step Family Resource Center was established to assist blended families with its counseling and coaching services, as well as other resources aimed at promoting strong and successful blended and stepfamilies. Get in touch with a licensed professional counselor today and let us help to provide you with answers.

Stepkids can help healing process with comforting words and gestures at stepparent death

When a stepparent dies it is sometimes difficult for stepkids to know how to react, or what role to take in the mourning process. When stepkids have moved out of the house and started their own families it can be even more complicated. Blended family members who see each other only at holidays or special events will face different expectations from the stepfamily, than those who are bonded and share a close relationship.

Step-siblings appreciate comforting words and gestures at stepparent death

Whether or not a stepchild attends a stepparent’s funeral depends upon the level of blending in the stepfamily. If there are strained relations between step-siblings or if the adult stepkid has not spent a lot of time participating in family events, then it is perfectly acceptable to make a phone call to the family and share your condolences, send flowers and follow-up with a heartfelt card. However, if the family is close and the adult stepkid is able and welcome to attend, then by all means be there for the blended family. Letting step-siblings know that your heart is with them at their time of loss, whether you attend the funeral or not, is always a comforting gesture.

Funerals a time for honesty and open hearts

Sometimes, conflicts arise and even the closest of family members are unable to attend a loved one’s funeral. If a stepfamily has a close relationship and stepkids wish to honor their stepparent by attending the funeral, then that is wonderful! If, on the other hand, stepkids are not close to the blended family or there is animosity between step-siblings, then it may be best to not attend the funeral as it can only add to anxiety. If you are an adult stepkid who is part of a well-blended family, but a scheduling conflict with work or military service, or illness prevents you from attending, don’t be too hard on yourself. Conflicts happen, and people will understand. Make sure to phone step-siblings well in advance to let them know you are unable to attend, but mention that your heart is with them at this difficult time, then follow-up with a card or flowers. Opening our hearts when a stepparent dies can heal animosities and mend old grudges, and bring much-needed comfort during this sad and stressful time.

Stepparent death is as difficult to deal with as any other loss, sometimes even more so, but it need not create more stress than necessary. If adult stepkids don’t see the blended family more than a few times a year at holidays or special get-togethers, then it probably is okay to not attend the funeral. However, you should phone step-siblings and follow-up with a card or flowers for the funeral, or even make a donation to the stepparent’s favorite charity. Reaching out beyond the physical and emotional distance in a blended family, while keeping in mind that funerals are as much for the living as it is about those who have passed, will help you know which choice to make in the event of stepparent death.

For additional information about issues with your blended and step family, The Blended and Step Family Resource Center is willing to share advice and useful tips to help you deal with various situations relating to your blended family.

Remarriage is not a battleground when children are involved

Remarriage can be difficult, especially when hard feelings linger from a divorce. Sometimes parents will talk negatively about stepparents, or tell children they shouldn’t love the new stepmom or stepdad. This negative talk is confusing and unhelpful for children in a blended family. Remarriage should never be a constant battle for children’s affection, but rather an opportunity to show them how much love it is possible to give.

Remarried parents who take higher ground win the battle

When divorced spouses remarry it can sometimes trigger hostility toward the new stepdad or stepmom, especially if the divorce was tense and volatile. Sometimes, stepparents in a blended family feel as if they have to constantly defend themselves, playing a tit-for-tat game with the biological parent. When a biological parent tells a child he shouldn’t like or accept the new stepparent, or when the biological parent talks negatively about the blended family, it is very confusing. The last thing a child of divorce needs is to feel confused about the stepfamily situation or feel as if he or she has to take side. When faced with this dilemma, stepmoms or stepdads should let the child know that the behavior is not okay, while staying supportive of the biological parent’s role. Tell the stepchild, “Although we disagree with your mother [or father], we know that she [he] loves you.  We love you and want what's best for you.” This lets the child know that the adult’s behavior is not okay and reinforces that the child is loved. Remarriage and divorce are adult situations and children should never have to participate in negative talk about biological parents and stepparents.

Remarriage is not a competition

Behaving as a spoiled child and demanding love and attention over a stepmom or stepdad is never okay. If your blended family is having difficulty with a biological parent pressuring your stepchild or stepchildren to show them favoritism or more attention during school events, it is okay to address the situation with your stepkid, preferably in a neutral place and time. Stay positive about the biological parent and his or her irreplaceable role in the child’s life, and stress that you love the child too, and that this is okay. Remarriage does not have to be filled with constant conflict and stepparents take the high ground will help calm the rough waters.

Be the normal parent!

Remarriage that brings on hostile attacks and negative talk from the biological parent should be explained to children by acknowledging the jealous or destructive behavior without condemning the source. Let the stepchild know that adults get jealous sometimes, just like children, but that there is enough love to go around for everyone. Remind children that stepparents have enough love to help raise them to be successful people, and strive to set a good example as the constant, normal parents. Remarriage is not about winning over the child, it is about helping them understand what is going on around them in a calm and collected manner. Reinforce the blended family expectations and discuss how difficult it is for adults to deal with the complicated emotions of divorce and remarriage.

If you need advice with your blended or stepfamily, The Blended and Step Family Resource Center is ready to assist you with its counseling and coaching services, as well as other resources aimed at promoting strong and successful blended and stepfamilies. Contact us today and let us help to provide you with answers.

Keeping the house rules when adult children return to the blended family

Even adult children returning home to a blended family benefit from some rules and boundaries, according to The Blended and Step Family Resource Center in Charlotte, North Carolina.  Adult stepchildren graduating from college today face a tough job market in which to succeed.  College kids are returning home, for a place to stay until they can launch their careers. Even tougher, are the kids who return to a blended family, one with a new step parent and step siblings. According to The Blended and Step Family Resource Center, boundaries and rules established and agreed upon, before adult stepchildren return to the nest, are essential for the successful blended family. Adult stepchildren can function well living at home with stepparents when presented with clear expectations.

Focus on the positive in your blended family

Focus on the positive when adult children ask to return home. Adult children, in most cases, don't want to ask biological parents if they can move in with a stepfamily, and you might consider it a compliment to your successful remarriage when they do. Clearly, your adult child feels comfortable living with the stepparent, and that is flattering. The Blended and Step Family Resource Center recommends that stepmom or stepdad acknowledge the compliment, and make sure to let the adult stepchild know you are eager to spend more time with him. As well, after the biological parent and stepparent agree upon a set of rules and boundaries, biological parents should lead a discussion about them with the adult stepchild in advance of the move-in date. Adult stepchildren are often willing to comply with rules when they know biological parents and stepparents are happy to have them around.

Rules and boundaries should be reasonable and consistent

Adult stepchildren are, technically, adults, and should be treated as such. However, according to The Blended and Stepfamily Resource Center, and author Shirley Cress Dudley, the adult stepchild who has returned home and is dependent upon the biological parent and stepmom or stepdad, should obey and respect parental authority. Rules and boundaries agreed upon in advance could include guidelines for

-dining and laundry

-a discussion of career plans

-an agreement to actively search and find a job by within a set period

-housekeeping chores

-an agreement to pay rent after six months

-an agreement to a raise in rent after 12 months

-guidelines for guests

-an expectation of quiet after a designated time or else a curfew will be

established

-and an expectation that adults will be treated with respect.

Other discussion topics could include the use of an auto as well as guidelines for gas, insurance, and upkeep; smoking, drinking and girlfriend or boyfriend visits; as well as private time for parent and stepparent. Adult stepchildren who bend or even break established rules should be held accountable with another scheduled family meeting.

Road to independence should be paved with love and encouragement for your adult child

Adult stepchildren moving home is not unusual in light of the job market, and he or she should not be made to feel as if they have failed at adulthood. This won't help a stepchild and it certainly won't bode well for the blended family. Once rules and boundaries have been agreed upon in a stepfamily, welcome and encourage your adult stepchild into the remarriage. Make sure he spends individual time with his biological parent and offer positive support in his job search. Stepchildren, especially adult stepchildren, need their own space, and should be afforded privacy and respect of their belongings by other stepkids. Adultstepchildren who return to the home may need extra help on the road toindependence; stepmoms and stepdads who are part of that journey pave the way to a smooth stepfamily existence.

Adult stepchildren who return home are an unfortunate result of the economic downturn, but it doesn't have to be a miserable experience. The Blended and Step Family Resource Center recommends biological and stepparents discuss and agree upon rules, before the adult stepchild moves in. An adult stepchild is usually amenable to parental guidelines when the discussion is led by the biological parent and assisted by the stepparent. Adult children who return home to a blended family can find success and independence within a remarriage when expectations are clear and rules are well planned.

Blended families are all compatible with love and care, says The Blended and Step Family Resource Center!

The blended family and stepfamily that finds the most success is one with committed parents at the helm who love and respect each stepfamily member as unique individuals. Some blended families are together for years and still don't find themselves compatible. It is not easy for two different families to come together, especially when stepkids are adults and beginning their own families. The blended family, just like any other family, needs clear guidelines and expectations communicated from the start to ensure success.

Blended family with adult stepkids faces unique challenges

The blended family with adult stepkids may not seem to blend as readily as with underage children because the adult stepchild has moved out and moved on with her life, possibly having her own children. Divorce is difficult at any time in life, and a stepmom or stepdad can be a particular challenge for adult stepkids to accept when they are no longer at home and experiencing the remarriage process. It is okay for an adult stepchild to not feel bonded with a stepfamily, but it isn't okay to not respect the stepparent as their parent's spouse. When grandchildren are involved, it can be confusing for them to see other grandparents treated differently; it merely limits the love for the stepkid and their children, not the stepmom or stepdad. The blended family has enough love to include adult stepkids and their spouses and children.

Fair and equal treatment of children essential for compatibility

The blended family works best when all children receive a fair amount of attention and equal treatment by adults. Parents should communicate clear rules and guidelines to children, and remind stepchildren to treat them and each other the way they wish to be treated. It's best not to have different rules for different children. When rules and guidelines are established and enforced fairly between all children in a remarriage, the stepfamily functions as one unit. When house rules are broken, the biological parent should always enforce the rules with the support of the stepparent. Children should show respect for stepsiblings and stepparents at all times, and rudeness should never be tolerated. According to The Blended and Step Family Resource Center, a blended family falling into all out war is never the fault of the child.  It is the responsibility of the parents to communicate rules and expectations.

Blending not a matter of personality or incompatibility

The blended family is like any other family, rife with unique personalities that sometimes clash. When children are born, parents are immediately bonded with that child no matter how challenging the personality; it should be no different for a stepfamily. However, as biological parents may sometimes not like their child's behavior or specific personality traits, the same can be said for the blended family. BFA says that love and acceptance from a stepmom or stepdad goes a long way toward forging a bond with stepkids in a blended family.

The blended family is a unique group of individuals, coming together to create a new family unit. Sometimes it appears that some stepfamilies never accept their members as family, no matter how long they have been together. Divorce and remarriage can be difficult for adult stepchildren to embrace, but whether they do is ultimately their choice. Communication regarding clear expectations and rules in a blended family helps ensure fair and equal treatment, as well as respect for stepsiblings and stepparents. The blended family is no different than any other family, with unique personalities coming together, but The Blended and Step Family Resource Center says it can be successful with loving and supportive adults at the helm.

Stepmothers can go from wicked to wonderful following simple steps from the Blended and Step Family Resource Center

Stepmothers face a challenging new role when marrying a man with kids. Marriage or remarriage in a blended family presents complications for stepmoms, particularly when it comes to avoiding the wicked stepmother label. Stepmothers who are open to taking positive steps can make the difference between being called wicked or wonderful.

How do you know if you are a wicked stepmother?

Stepmothers do not usually come into the job with a set of rules or guidelines regarding how to parent step kids. Often, innocent mistakes are made by stepmoms in an attempt to gain some sort of footing within the family. Here are some clues from the BFA that may be earning you the title of wicked stepmother: If you ask your husband to choose between you or his kids; you don’t know much about your step kids; you don’t celebrate step kids’ birthdays or other special events; you interrupt your husband when he is on the phone with his kids; you treat your kids better than his kids; you leave his kids to fend for themselves when they visit; you have different house rules for his kids and your own kids; you don’t let your step kids invite friends over; you ask your husband to take you out to dinner on his child’s birthday, and celebrate with his kid another day. Stepmothers should pay special attention to these clues and decide if they need to make some changes.

Stepmothers face difficult challenges with long-term rewards

Stepmothers have one of the hardest jobs in the world. According to The Blended and Step Family Resource Center, marrying a man with kids means you commit to love and care for them as your own. Stepmothers who make that commitment also should understand they may not be appreciated by their step kids for awhile, or ever, but it should not diminish how important the success of the blended family remains.

Competition best kept on field and out of home

Stepmothers sometimes feel as if they are in competition with step kids, but there could be nothing further from the truth. In reality, the love between two adults is much different than their love for kids, and there is plenty of love for everyone in a blended family. Creating and sticking with house rules will set the tone for a stable home. Stepmoms who work with their spouse as a team to surround the kids in a remarriage with love and security, will create a peaceful, positive environment for their stepfamily.

Step kids need to feel part of new family

Stepmothers who take a sincere interest in their step kids’ lives will find themselves building a positive relationship with all parties. Stepfamilies are like any other families, forging bonds by celebrating birthdays and special events together to build a unique blended family life. When stepmothers recognize their step kids’ special events, they reap the rewards of a more stable and positive home life.

Privacy means a lot in blended family

Stepmothers who offer step kids privacy while visiting can help kids feel at home in a blended family. Though a private bedroom is ideal, BFA recommends that stepmoms offer kids a secure place to keep things and a space to hang out. Just like in any other family, kids need time alone with individual parents to build deeper and more meaningful relationships. Sensitive stepmothers understand that step kids need individual time with fathers while visiting, and can take that time to bond with their own children or enjoy some time for themselves.

Stepmothers can avoid being labeled wicked by taking a few simple steps to build positive relationships with step kids. Getting to know step kids by taking an interest in hobbies and activities goes a long way toward forging connections in a blended family. Stepmoms should never feel in competition with step kids. Everyone needs privacy, especially in a blended family. Stepmothers should respect and encourage individual time between step kids and their fathers. Stepmothers needing more information on how to lose the wicked stepmother label can find more information at The Blended and Step Family Resource center at http://www.TheBlendedandStepFamilyResourceCenter.com.