Talking it out essential for blended family success

In a blended family challenges are greater than couples in nuclear families who haven’t been through previous marriages. Honest and clear communication about all aspects of your family life, even sensitive ones, is essential. 

It takes two to communicate!
Communication is a process that involves two people. Monologues or fights don’t qualify as communicating. Make sure that you listen to what your spouse has to say, and respond to his or her issues in a clear, honest and respectful manner. If you can’t agree on a certain subject, try to compromise.

• Keep your important talks private. It’s only between you and your spouse. Don’t start discussing sensitive, important topics in front of the kids, in front of your parents or your spouse’s parents or in front of other relatives and friends.
• Talk to your spouse before making promises to the children, allowing or denying them something. If you are not sure how your spouse feels about certain problems regarding the kids, simply tell to the kids that you’ll give them an answer later and check with your spouse whether you are on the same page or not. Also, make sure that your spouse uses the same approach. Don’t argue in front of kids: it’s important appear united and consistent in front of them. Sending mixed signals to the kids will undermine your and your spouse’s authority.

Write down big issues
Blended families will probably have a lot of sensitive, emotional topics that need to be discussed. A good exercise in blended family communication, when it comes to such topics, is to write them down. That will reduce the tension and will help the two of you to have a calm, productive discussion.

When you have many difficult problems to discuss, it’s important to always remember what brought the two of you together. Start each conversation by telling your spouse some of the things that you appreciate about him or her. For example, if the topic of the discussion is the amount of time the two of you are spending together, start by saying that you appreciate that he or she makes time to spend with his or her biological kids and with the step kids. Also, say that you love the fact that your spouse has interesting hobbies, but you feel like you are not getting enough time together, just the two of you, and you need to find a solution to that problem.

Stay positive!
Start each discussion with a positive attitude and try to focus on solutions, not on problems. Don’t criticize your spouse and don’t make negative remarks – instead of that, try to make him or her understand your perspective. Don’t use a lot of you statements when talking to your spouse. Instead of focusing the conversation on yourself, turn it around and focus on your spouse. Say you think there is a problem with how much time your spouse gives you. Instead of saying how he is lacking, tell your spouse that you want to spend more time with him, and then come up with a plan to do that!

Communicating regularly and in a non-defensive way will help your blended family become stronger, happier and more successful. If you want to learn more about the topic of blended family communication, The Blended and Step Family Resource Center offers its resources and services to help blended and step families achieve their goal of a rewarding family relationship.

Making your blended family feel whole

Bringing a blended family together can feel like a lot of work. For a while, your step family might not feel like a one unit, but two units combined. It takes time to make a family feel like a complete family, but it is possible. One of the most important aspects of creating a whole blended family is to make sure everyone feels welcome and involved. Sometimes a person feels left out and that can unbalance the whole family. Take the time to talk to everyone in the family to make sure no one feels left out.

Spend more time together as a step family
Just because you are a step family does not mean you shouldn’t spend more time together. Spending time together is more important than you could ever imagine. Think of those kids who come home from school and there is no one in the house. The child feels alone and they feel as though they have no one. Your child may feel like this as they are having a new family built for them. Spending time together and making sure everyone feels solid is very important. This is a significant role as a biological parent or a step parent.  It’s important to spend some one-on-one time with your step kids and your biological kids.

Get to know your step kids or step siblings
If you are a child in a step family, then you have a lot going on around you. Making your blended family whole is also up to you. You will want to get to know your new step siblings because they are a part of your new blended family. No one expects you to stop your whole life, but they are an important part of your new life, so take the time to get to know them. The same goes for a step parent, your step kids are an important part of your new blended family. Although your mind might be on your biological kids or your job, it’s important that you take the time to get to know your step kids. Everyone has to work together to make this new experience work.

Treat each step family member with respect
Growing up with your biological sisters and brothers sometimes seems easy. When you throw a step family member in the mix, you might have a wide range of feelings. The most important thing you can do here is make sure you value each family member, whether they are a step family member or not. Creating a blended family unit is not easy, but you all have the power to make it happen. It might take a lot of nights of talking, playing and just spending time together, but before you know it, your blended family will feel like a whole family soon enough.

The Blended and Step Family Resource Center offers a wealth of information through its many resources including books and newsletters, as well as coaching and counseling services by licensed professional counselors.

Avoiding blended family mistakes eases transition

There are always a million and one things you should do when you become a blended family. There are also several things you should not do whenever you enter remarriage. Learning the right things to do and the wrong things to do will help you become a better partnership. No one is perfect, but you should learn to be respectful of your new family members.

Do not pretend like nothing has changed

One of the worst things you can do whenever your family enters the step kids and step parent situation, is to pretend like nothing has happened. It is no secret that things have changed, but you should not try to make it a secret. There are obviously different family members in your home and you should acknowledge it and try to make the best of it.

Do not give your own children special attention

Whenever you agreed to become a blended family, you also agreed to take his or her kids as your own. Of course, those kids still have their biological parents, but that is no excuse for you to treat them differently than your own. Keep in mind that those kids are going to be watching you like a hawk. Kids are smart, and they will know if you are treating them like second-class citizens.

Do not treat everything as a competition

Competition is a natural part of life, but it should not be a natural part of being a step mom or step dad. Do not try and make life a competition between kids. For example, you do not want to rub it into your spouse’s face that your kid did better in school than his kid. Remember, you are supposed to be making your blended family as whole as possible. Ripping each other apart is not the way to go when you are trying to build a family structure.

Do not ignore your spouse

Family time is so important and that is why you do not want to only focus on the kids. Spend time with your spouse alone. Of course, you should spend time with your step children, but you should also go on dates two to four times a month. This will help make your remarriage go a lot smoother. Your kids will do better, when you and your spouse are thriving.

Do enjoy your time together as a family

As mentioned before, there are a lot of do’s and don’ts when it comes to blending a family together. Each family member is important in making sure this works out. The parents need time to themselves, but everyone needs to spend time together. Enjoy life and keep in mind that you all are capable of making this remarriage work. Follow these “do not” rules and watch your family flourish.

For more information, contact The Blended and Step Family Resource Center, for guidance on managing your blended or step family.

The worst mistakes that can be made in a blended family

Navigating the nuances of a blended family is more than knowing what to do; it is also being aware of what not to do. Here are some of the worst mistakes:

1. Being too affectionate with your spouse while the kids are watching

Getting used to a new step mom or step dad is difficult for kids. Holding hands is alright, but watching their dad make out on the couch with their step mom is probably a bit too much, too soon.

2. Pretending everything is the same

A blended family is unlike a typical biological family, and it will take time for the children, and adults, to become comfortable with the arrangement. Assure your kids they everyone loves them and that their relationship with each biological parent has not changed. A step family just adds new members to love and be loved by.

3. Treating step kids different than biological kids

It is important that all kids in the blended family are treated the same, and held to the same standards. This is especially true when it comes to birthdays and holidays. You can’t spend twice as much on your biological kids as you do your step kids.

4. Treating your step kids as competition

There are no competitions in a blended family! Children often see a new step parent as someone who will take time away from them, and a step parent may feel as though the kids will take away time spent with their spouse. It is important that everyone knows there are no competitions or threats.

5. Making the kids the epicenter of everything

Often times, a marriage may fail because your relationship was not the center of the home. The relationship between you and your spouse should always be the center of your blended family.

6. You only spend time with your spouse during family time

As already stated, you have to have alone time with your spouse, each and every day, even if only for 10 minutes. Kids can draw from your strength.

7. You eliminate discipline in your blended or step family

The common thinking is that the kids have been through a lot, with divorce, remarriage, a blended family, etc, and they have, and that they could use a break from discipline. What they need is structure, and you provide this by being consistent with house rules and privileges.

8. You speak negatively of your ex with the kids present

This is just common sense. All adult matters should be kept from the children, regardless of how you feel about your ex.

9. You constantly bring up the past

The past is the past; let it go! Focus on your new blended family, without reminiscing about the so-called good old days.

10. You do not provide visiting kids with private space

Each child does not necessarily need their own room, but they should have a personal space they can call home.

By avoiding these ten mistakes, you can ensure that your blended family grows into a stellar unit over time. To get professional help with your blended family, The Blended and Step Family Resource Center is ready to assist you with tips, ideas, as well as coaching and counseling services to help your blended family become strong and successful. Get in touch with licensed professional counselors today.

Planning ahead for holiday travel means less stress and more fun for the blended family!

Blended family holiday planning makes good sense. Think about it. If you are in a remarriage and your spouse is in a remarriage, and all of you have children, you are attempting to organize five different families! In stepfamilies, it is best to start this process early, well in advance of the holiday, or confusion and hurt feelings may take the place of opportunities for family bonding. In a blended family, working out details of where children will stay, how they will arrive, and when they will return to the custodial parent helps more than just the parents. Children crave stability, and when they know where they are staying and how they are getting there, it makes them feel more secure and comfortable with the blended family situation. Blended family holiday planning takes a little advance work, but the payoff is huge!

Advanced blended family holiday planning saves money and tension

Blended family holiday planning is best done early for a lot of reasons, and hopefully has been worked out as part of the custody agreement. If it has not been discussed yet, now is the time to do it before the holidays arrive and you are working it out a few days before the event. Stepfamilies often work out agreements that allow one parent to have children on even numbered years, and the other parent to have them on odd-numbered years. For instance, one parent can have the children on Christmas Eve and then they can return to the other parent on Christmas day, or later in the evening, or even the next day. What is important to children is that they get to see both mom and dad! Holiday travel is stressful and expensive, but when planned in advance it can save you money and anxiety. How are the children getting to the other parent’s house, by plane or train or car? Early reservations are less expensive, and they allow parents to make arrangements for unaccompanied children. Both Amtrak and the airlines provide an adult escort to see children through connections but you have to tell the transportation provider that children are traveling alone or you could have an uncomfortable situation on your hands at the gate. Blended family holiday planning means no surprises for you, your spouse, and most importantly, no surprises for the children!

Organize for smooth blended family travel!

Blended family holiday planning should always include lists and labels to help you stay organized. Posting a calendar for children marked with visitation dates and holiday plans will help ease transitions and keep them updated on schedules. There is no need for them to wonder when the next visit to Mom or Dad is coming up when they can look at the calendar and see the schedule well in advance. Advance planning also allows parents to avoid last minute schedule changes and thereby avoiding unnecessary conflicts. Color coordinating calendars by children is helpful in a stepfamily with more than one child in the house. If you have ever had a 16 year old come home with size 3 Batman underwear, then you already know the benefit of labeling clothing! When blended families have more than one child it is helpful to know who owns what or else you could be mailing back packages to the ex-spouse. A list of what your child is sent with, packed into the luggage helps parents know what should be packed for home. Children outgrow clothing faster than you buy it sometimes, so it is a good idea to make sure clothing still fits before labeling and packing. If packing for a week, let your ex-spouse know it may not be necessary to do laundry during their visitation. Blended family holiday planning means less headaches for parents and stepparents during busy holiday events!

Last minute checks before departure is an ounce of prevention!

Blended family holiday planning should include a luggage check before packing. Nothing is worse than losing valuables while traveling, and if luggage has holes it could happen to your child! Purchasing luggage can be costly, but checking the papers for luggage sales or looking at garage sales can help you buy new luggage for your child for much less money. Luggage tags marked with your child’s name and address are essential and will help the noncustodial parent and child identify luggage at the airport or on the train. Have medicine in appropriate containers, and make sure to write down the dosage schedule for your ex-spouse. Blended family holiday planning is well worth the effort, but could fall apart without these last minute checks!

Blended family holiday planning not only makes you and your spouse more comfortable, it offers children continuity and stability. Stepfamily organization is a preventative measure that involves open discussion well in advance of the event. Early holiday planning will help the blended family save money on travel, and allows parents to make arrangements for unescorted children with the airlines or Amtrak. Be sure you do not send your child off with clothes two sizes too small, and make sure to label their clothing for easy packing when it is time to come home. Remarriage can involve up to five families in holiday plans, so keep a calendar to help your children know where they are going and when! Last minute checks will avoid lost valuables and keep medication organized. Blended family holiday planning is an ounce of prevention that goes a long way toward smoothing the path to a happy holiday!

For more articles and advice on how to make the most out of your blended family holidays, get in touch with The Blended and Step Family Resource Center today. Professional counselors are ready to assist with coaching and counseling to help blended and step families become strong and successful.

A blended family expert answers a common concern of a mom in a step family

This is a real question from a mom in a blended family: 

I have a couple of daughters, aged nine and 12. My future spouse has two kids of his own, a 12-year-old girl and a boy who is eight. We both have alternating custody with our ex, allowing or children to be together on the same weekends. They attend the same school as well, so our future step family is together a lot. Things have gone well, up until lately. My 9-year-old daughter has started to be rude to her soon-to-be step dad, and it hurts him. She has told him that she won’t listen to him because he isn’t her parent, and even my other daughter has recently joined in on the attack against him.

He is a great dad, and does a wonderful job trying to make my kids feel special and welcome. We already function as a blended family, but my kids are lashing out now, and I’m not sure how to handle it. They say they like him, but I’m not sure how that’s possible with how they treat him. My youngest daughter will make a mean face at him when we hug or kiss and she squeezes between us on the sofa. We plan to enter remarriage within a year, and move in together soon after. How can I make my kids show their future step dad the respect he deserves?

The response from a blended and step family expert:

This is typical behavior for kids about to enter a blended or step family. They don’t know what is expected of them, so you have to tell them. They may also be getting conflicting comments and information from their other parent, perhaps telling them that it isn’t OK to love a step parent. Here are a few blended family guidelines to follow.

Blended and step family – a new experience

Talk to your kids about what divorce and remarriage mean, and what your future step family holds in store for them. Remind them that when you all live together your spouse is the dad of that home and must be treated with the appropriate respect. However, they should know that he will no way replace their biological dad. Being step kids is not easy, and you must explain what this means in their world, and how they are expected to act towards your future spouse.

Blended family rules

It’s important to have house rules in place for your blended family, and these rules should be agreed upon and presented as a team, with you and your spouse. All children should be treated equally and fairly. Here are some good blended family house rules to consider:

·         Be polite and respectful to each parent, as well as all siblings

·         Talk to everyone within the home

·         Gain permission before touching or playing with someone else’s property

In a blended family, you can’t make everyone like one another, but you can force your kids to treat their step siblings as they want to be treated. They could end up as close friends, but if they don’t, so what? Biological brothers and sisters don’t always like each other either.

Lastly, you may see some drastic changes when you actually tie the knot. Seeing you get married will give them some stability, and increase their willingness to accept your husband and their new step siblings.

The Blended and Step Family Resource Center offers assistance in terms of counseling and coaching services to help blended and step families in adjusting to their new family setting. If you need more extensive help, check out the many resources at The Blended and Step Family Resource Center.

Rules and consequences in a blended family: Create a model of consistency

Your children have gone through a lot, with a divorce, remarriage, and now having to negotiate the intricacies of a new blended family. The question most parents have is whether they should lighten up on the rules and give them a break from discipline.

The answer is no and here is why:

·         The values you hold true won’t change with your new step family, and the children must still be taught what is right and wrong.

·         The love you have for your kids and step kids is demonstrated through your consistent rules and guidelines

·         A lot is changing for your children during this time and maintaining consistency will give your kids a sense of security within their new blended family.

How to handle step kids

Standards and rules for your stepfamily should be discussed and agreed on by both parents. Respect should be paid to the history of parenting by the biological mom or dad, but the step mom or step dad must be given a say on the rules as well. There must be a mutual agreement on discipline, to ensure that parents are pulling in opposite directions. Now is the time to sit down and have a deep discussion on these blended family matters.

All kids should be treated the same

All children should be treated equally and fairly. You should have rules already in place, including the following:

·         Where the kids and step kids can and cannot eat

·         The allowable hours and time limits to television viewing

·         Which children are responsible for cleaning up after meals

The rules you set must be applied to all children in your new step family. Obviously, the associated consequences for not following rules will be different, defending on the age of the child. However, these consequences need to be equal and fair for all children in your blended family.

The parents should also follow some of the same rules. The kids are not going to understand why they can’t watch TV during dinner if dad is doing it every evening.

The biological parent at the forefront

The biological parent should be the one enforcing the rules in your blended family, not the step mom or step dad. Let your spouse take that time to get to know the children, without having them be the one that enforces the guidelines.

Consistency

If a rule is in place, enforce it, every day, without fail. Rules can’t change just because you are tired or your spouse is working late.

Avoid secret alliances

You absolutely cannot change the rules in your stepfamily when your spouse isn’t around, especially as it relates to your biological children. This will give them the impression that they don’t have to respect the authority of the other parent. Maintain a strong relationship and sense of teamwork with your spouse and your kids will respect and acknowledge that. Consistency and stability in your blended family leads to a successful and united family.

If you need help with your blended or stepfamily, The Blended and Step Family Resource Center is ready to assist you with its counseling and coaching services, as well as other resources aimed at promoting strong and successful blended and stepfamilies. Contact us today and let us help to provide you with answers.

The rules of house hunting with a blended family

The first step in finding the ideal home for your blended family is discovering what your budget is. Discuss what you feel you can afford with your spouse, and make sure the purchase you make for your step family doesn’t exceed that figure. Your mortgage payment shouldn’t exceed a quarter of your combined salaries, or a third at the very most. At least one of your previous homes should be sold before finalizing a purchase. 

Location of your blended family home

Ask yourself a few questions to determine where you should look for your blended family home. Are you hoping to stay within or enter a particular school district? Will your new home be close to that of an ex-spouse? That isn’t always a bad thing, as it makes picking up and dropping off the kids much more convenient.

Let the kids in the blended family have a say

Ask the kids and step kids in your stepfamily what they would like to see in a new home. You will probably get a few helpful answers. The ideal time to let the kids have some say is at the beginning, and they will enjoy coming along for a few of the open house visits. You will definitely want them to take a tour of the house you choose before you complete a deal.

Bathrooms

If the kids and step kids in your blended family are both girls and boys, consider your bathroom requirements accordingly. Having enough bathrooms is as important as having enough bedrooms. Your spouse and you should have a master bathroom just for the two of you.

Bedrooms

Not every child has to have a bedroom of its own. Visiting step kids can share a room, assuming they are the same gender. If you decide to use a basement room or pullout sofa for a visiting child, just be sure they have adequate privacy for their belongings.

Living areas

It is a good idea to have many areas throughout the house for the kids in your blended family to entertain themselves, especially if they are of varied ages. Consider homes which have a finished basement or multiple floors. This will allow the kids to spread out and find areas to call their own. A master bedroom should be separated from all the other bedrooms, if possible. Your spouse and you deserve some space in your stepfamily as well.

Conclusion

Remember, your spouse and you are the core of the home and the epicenter of the blended family. Involving everyone in the process is a wonderful idea, but it is important for everyone to know that the final decision on which home to purchase lies with you. Take your time and select the perfect home for your new step family.

The Blended and Step Family Resource Center aims to help blended and stepfamilies become strong and successful through its counseling and coaching services as well as other resources available. To get the help that you need, get in touch with our licensed professional counselors and we will help you find solutions and hope.

How to maintain balance in your blended family or step family

This is a scenario played out all too often in a blended family. The kids aren’t getting along, your spouse seems upset, and you feel like you haven’t had a moment to yourself in eons! This means that the balance in your stepfamily is thrown off. Maintaining balance within a blended family is much harder than a typical family with a single mom, dad, and kids who live there all the time. Things get much more difficult when you throw divorce, remarriage, step kids and a step mom or step dad into the mix.

You can’t live without balance and just concentrate on whoever is complaining the most. Going from person to person trying to deal with issues may seem like you are helping everyone, when in actuality, you are helping no one. Therefore, the big question is wondering how to create the necessary balance.

Here are some instruction of how to achieve and maintain a balance in your blended family.

Make some time just for you. There can’t possibly be enough time each day to be able to dedicate time for yourself. Well, that may be true to some extent, but you better find some! The truth is that if you keep going and going, doing everything you can to ensure that your blended family is cared for, you will end up completely burnt out and be virtually useless to them. Just stop and think about those really bad days you have with your step family.

You know which days I mean- the ones where you quickly lose your temper and are storming around the house crying or yelling at every member of your blended family. You find yourself unable to be a good spouse or loving parent. Yep, those are the days. This is when you have not taken care of yourself well enough. Loving your step family means loving yourself. The truth is that you can’t please everyone 24 hours a day, so stop trying and look out for yourself now and again. You deserve a little “me” time.

Relax: There are many ways you can unwind after a long and hectic day. You could take a nice long bath, read a great book, and have a sip of wine or tea. Perhaps going for a walk to the gym relaxes you. Thinking that you don’t have time for this is not acceptable, because you can make the time. What you don’t have time for is NOT relaxing! Just think of what relaxes you and work it into your schedule somewhere. Write these down on a list and post it for yourself.

Stay energized: Just as important as relaxing is staying upbeat and energized. So, what energizes you and provides you with strength? How about a shopping trip or a movie? What about a nice phone conversation with your best friend? Figure out which activity gives you strength and work that into your routine at least a few times each month. You will be surprised at how much better you will be able to function in your blended family once you do this.

If you need advice with your blended or stepfamily, The Blended and Step Family Resource Center is ready to assist you with its counseling and coaching services, as well as other resources aimed at promoting strong and successful blended and stepfamilies. Contact us today and let us help to provide you with answers.

Being a stepmom in a blended family

Being a stepmom in a blended or step family is probably one of the toughest roles a woman can have. And for good reason. Being a stepmom requires you to take the role and responsibility of being a good wife to your new partner and a good stepmom to his kids while having your own kids to worry about. All this is uncharted territory not only to you, but also to them.

As a stepmom, you have a tremendous responsibility if you want to make things work in your blended family. It may seem overwhelming at first, but there are things you need to focus on to avoid the trap of making the wrong actions that would cause your blended family setting to fail.

·         Never make your husband choose you over the children. You are not competing with your step kids.

·         Take time to get to know your step kids – what they like, don’t like, or are interested in.

·         Be sure to recognize the special days and events in the lives of your husband’s children.

·         Treat your own children and step kids equally and make sure they see it.

·         When your step kids come to visit, don’t leave the sleeping arrangements to your husband, or let the kids figure things out on their own. As the step mom in a blended family, you need to make sure that the kids know they have a certain place to call their own when they come.

·         There should be the same set of rules for your children and your husband’s kids. A blended family means blended rules.

·         Allow your step kids to have friends over.

·         Be sure to give your step kids “alone time” with dad when they come for a visit.

Remember that when you choose a man who has children, you choose his kids as well. At the same time, you are promising to love and nurture them as you do your own children. They may not recognize and appreciate your efforts at first, but if you show consistency at it, they will know what you mean soon enough.

If you want to know how you can better take your role as a stepmom in a blended family, The Blended and Step Family Resource Center is a good place to start with. We offer counseling and coaching services to step parents who want to achieve balance in their blended family setting. Contact us today and start your way to a better blended family life.

How to keep your blended or stepfamily intact

Couples who go through a divorce and remarriage experience a tough time of their lives. The same thing happens to their kids. In most cases, those involved often experience feelings of anger, resentment, frustration, and guilt. There are things that step parents can do to soften the impact and negative effects of the divorce and remarriage to their children, and eventually find a place in their new stepfamily.

1. Avoid negative talks. Refrain from speaking negative things about the children’s other parent, or better yet, about anybody involved in your blended family. Negative talks promote negative feelings, which is detrimental to the emotional health of your blended family.

2. Train your children. No children are expert blended family members – they have no user’s manual to refer to whenever they become confused with their situation. They only have your guidance to cling to in order for them to stay in line and live normal lives. They need to know that being in a blended or stepfamily is not a bad thing and that each member of the stepfamily has the responsibility to support each other.

3. Keep an open line of communication.  Encouraging your children to speak their minds about your stepfamily creates an atmosphere of openness and avoids buildup of concerns that may later explode and become more difficult to manage.

Divorce and remarriage often results in less than friendly situation for many people. Time-tested guidelines can help to keep a positive outlook and provide hope to better manage the negative effects of the situation. These guidelines help to a great extent in improving your chances of creating and keeping a strong and solid blended and stepfamily.

Do you need advice with your stepfamily? The Blended and Step Family Resource Center is the right place for you to find the help you are seeking. Avail of our counseling and coaching services which are aimed at helping you achieve the success that you long for with your blended and stepfamily.

Dealing with a death of a stepfamily member

If I am a part of a stepfamily but have a family of my own, am I under obligation to attend a stepfamily member’s funeral?

This is one question that, although quite complicated, you must have to deal with if you are a member of a stepfamily. It may be easy for some, but for others, it is much different. However, there are factors that may influence your decision when in a situation like this:

1.       The kind of relationship you have with the one who died. If your attendance at the funeral may cause any hard and unkind feelings towards the dead or those who are living, it may be prudent not to go. Otherwise, you need to keep in mind that attending the funeral is a way of honoring the dead stepfamily member as well as showing respect for the living relatives.

2.       Distance/proximity to your stepfamily. If you live close to members of your stepfamily, and it’s convenient for you to attend, do so. However, if distance becomes a hindrance to your presence in the event, make sure to do all that you can to convey your condolences.

3.       Conflict in schedules. Your attendance in your stepfamily’s funeral would probably be welcome to your stepfamily’s relatives and would do you good one way or another in terms of your relationship to the deceased and to the relatives. But if the event happens in conflict with a previously-set engagement that cannot be altered or rescheduled, that is beyond your control and is understandable. Again, make sure to send your condolences by sending a card or a bunch of flowers, and by making sure the family knows your heart goes out to them and you deeply regret not being able to attend.

Make all possible efforts to attend if you can, if only to preserve or reminisce the good memories you had with the deceased stepfamily member. Otherwise, the best way to handle this kind of situation is to be completely sincere and to do the right things at the right time. There are no fixed rules on how to deal with the death of a stepfamily member nor stepfamily funeral etiquette. The bottom line here is you can honestly say to yourself that you have made the efforts to be at peace with everybody.

If you need advice regarding how your family can better cope with the demands of a stepfamily life, The Blended and Step Family Resource Center offers telephone coaching services to provide you with useful ways to positively handle a stepfamily relationship. Avail of our resources and let us help you discover the difference.

Is there a need to keep a balance in your step family?

Living out of balance is one of the most common issues in stepfamilies today.  One of the primary causes of divorce is when the parents live out of balance and put their main focus on the kids rather than their marriage.  Many marriages do not survive because couples fail to put their marriage in the center of their family life. This includes the blended family life. By learning and applying sound principles in your blended and step family home, you can create and keep a balance that is crucial to the success of your family relationship.

·         Find time for yourself.  To stay healthy and sane, you must schedule time for yourself.  If you keep running just to make sure that everyone in your step family is happy, you will soon forget yourself and burn out and be worthless to your family and to yourself. If you truly want to love your family, you need to learn how to love yourself. You will feel stronger physically, mentally and emotionally after you have regular times to renew your spirit, your soul and your body.  Your family will appreciate a stronger, healthier, and happier you.

·         Time to Relax. Take time to unwind from a busy day. Turn on the TV and watch your favorite talk show, read a good novel, drink a cup of tea or a glass of wine on your porch. If you are saying to yourself that you don’t have time for these things-, you’re wrong. Figure out what makes you calm and make room for these activities in your day. Include this in your “to-do” list every day. At least 1-2 times a month, take time to treat yourself by going shopping or doing something special- just for you.

·         Keep memories of special times. Find a box to keep special memories in. Put cards (birthday, mother’s day/father’s day, anniversary, thank-you notes) – anything you receive, that makes you feel good about yourself, into this box.  If someone gives you a compliment, write it down and put it in your box.  Periodically, go through your box and read these compliments and praises.

·         Spend time with your partner. Remember that you entered this marriage because you love your partner, saw a second chance at life, a chance to make things right this time, and have a great marriage. Spend time with your spouse!  Your marriage should be in the center of the family, not the kids. The two of you should connect daily, and plan at least a couple of times a month to get away from the kids and just enjoy life together. It doesn’t have to be an expensive, out of town vacation, it can be a quiet dinner, looking into your love’s eyes and just listening to them talk.  What’s important is that you are continuing to get to know your mate, pay attention to his or her interests, and make him or her your first priority.

·         Do your best with the kids. Take a couple of days to give one-on-one time to each child. Make it a special time so that they will look forward to it with excitement, even if it’s just once a week, in which they will go on an errand or activity with their parent and get some quality one-on-one time.

Your family is important- and creating a healthy balance means dedicating time to yourself, your spouse, parent/child time and blended family time.  This is not easy, but it’s crucial that you figure out and keep a balance for you and your step family. Providing your family with a stable and healthy environment for them to thrive and mature requires balance.

If you need help with your blended and stepfamily, The Blended and Step Family Resource Center has resources to offer, which are designed to help you and your family achieve a healthy and balanced life.