Keeping the house rules when adult children return to the blended family

Even adult children returning home to a blended family benefit from some rules and boundaries, according to The Blended and Step Family Resource Center in Charlotte, North Carolina.  Adult stepchildren graduating from college today face a tough job market in which to succeed.  College kids are returning home, for a place to stay until they can launch their careers. Even tougher, are the kids who return to a blended family, one with a new step parent and step siblings. According to The Blended and Step Family Resource Center, boundaries and rules established and agreed upon, before adult stepchildren return to the nest, are essential for the successful blended family. Adult stepchildren can function well living at home with stepparents when presented with clear expectations.

Focus on the positive in your blended family

Focus on the positive when adult children ask to return home. Adult children, in most cases, don't want to ask biological parents if they can move in with a stepfamily, and you might consider it a compliment to your successful remarriage when they do. Clearly, your adult child feels comfortable living with the stepparent, and that is flattering. The Blended and Step Family Resource Center recommends that stepmom or stepdad acknowledge the compliment, and make sure to let the adult stepchild know you are eager to spend more time with him. As well, after the biological parent and stepparent agree upon a set of rules and boundaries, biological parents should lead a discussion about them with the adult stepchild in advance of the move-in date. Adult stepchildren are often willing to comply with rules when they know biological parents and stepparents are happy to have them around.

Rules and boundaries should be reasonable and consistent

Adult stepchildren are, technically, adults, and should be treated as such. However, according to The Blended and Stepfamily Resource Center, and author Shirley Cress Dudley, the adult stepchild who has returned home and is dependent upon the biological parent and stepmom or stepdad, should obey and respect parental authority. Rules and boundaries agreed upon in advance could include guidelines for

-dining and laundry

-a discussion of career plans

-an agreement to actively search and find a job by within a set period

-housekeeping chores

-an agreement to pay rent after six months

-an agreement to a raise in rent after 12 months

-guidelines for guests

-an expectation of quiet after a designated time or else a curfew will be

established

-and an expectation that adults will be treated with respect.

Other discussion topics could include the use of an auto as well as guidelines for gas, insurance, and upkeep; smoking, drinking and girlfriend or boyfriend visits; as well as private time for parent and stepparent. Adult stepchildren who bend or even break established rules should be held accountable with another scheduled family meeting.

Road to independence should be paved with love and encouragement for your adult child

Adult stepchildren moving home is not unusual in light of the job market, and he or she should not be made to feel as if they have failed at adulthood. This won't help a stepchild and it certainly won't bode well for the blended family. Once rules and boundaries have been agreed upon in a stepfamily, welcome and encourage your adult stepchild into the remarriage. Make sure he spends individual time with his biological parent and offer positive support in his job search. Stepchildren, especially adult stepchildren, need their own space, and should be afforded privacy and respect of their belongings by other stepkids. Adultstepchildren who return to the home may need extra help on the road toindependence; stepmoms and stepdads who are part of that journey pave the way to a smooth stepfamily existence.

Adult stepchildren who return home are an unfortunate result of the economic downturn, but it doesn't have to be a miserable experience. The Blended and Step Family Resource Center recommends biological and stepparents discuss and agree upon rules, before the adult stepchild moves in. An adult stepchild is usually amenable to parental guidelines when the discussion is led by the biological parent and assisted by the stepparent. Adult children who return home to a blended family can find success and independence within a remarriage when expectations are clear and rules are well planned.

Blended families are all compatible with love and care, says The Blended and Step Family Resource Center!

The blended family and stepfamily that finds the most success is one with committed parents at the helm who love and respect each stepfamily member as unique individuals. Some blended families are together for years and still don't find themselves compatible. It is not easy for two different families to come together, especially when stepkids are adults and beginning their own families. The blended family, just like any other family, needs clear guidelines and expectations communicated from the start to ensure success.

Blended family with adult stepkids faces unique challenges

The blended family with adult stepkids may not seem to blend as readily as with underage children because the adult stepchild has moved out and moved on with her life, possibly having her own children. Divorce is difficult at any time in life, and a stepmom or stepdad can be a particular challenge for adult stepkids to accept when they are no longer at home and experiencing the remarriage process. It is okay for an adult stepchild to not feel bonded with a stepfamily, but it isn't okay to not respect the stepparent as their parent's spouse. When grandchildren are involved, it can be confusing for them to see other grandparents treated differently; it merely limits the love for the stepkid and their children, not the stepmom or stepdad. The blended family has enough love to include adult stepkids and their spouses and children.

Fair and equal treatment of children essential for compatibility

The blended family works best when all children receive a fair amount of attention and equal treatment by adults. Parents should communicate clear rules and guidelines to children, and remind stepchildren to treat them and each other the way they wish to be treated. It's best not to have different rules for different children. When rules and guidelines are established and enforced fairly between all children in a remarriage, the stepfamily functions as one unit. When house rules are broken, the biological parent should always enforce the rules with the support of the stepparent. Children should show respect for stepsiblings and stepparents at all times, and rudeness should never be tolerated. According to The Blended and Step Family Resource Center, a blended family falling into all out war is never the fault of the child.  It is the responsibility of the parents to communicate rules and expectations.

Blending not a matter of personality or incompatibility

The blended family is like any other family, rife with unique personalities that sometimes clash. When children are born, parents are immediately bonded with that child no matter how challenging the personality; it should be no different for a stepfamily. However, as biological parents may sometimes not like their child's behavior or specific personality traits, the same can be said for the blended family. BFA says that love and acceptance from a stepmom or stepdad goes a long way toward forging a bond with stepkids in a blended family.

The blended family is a unique group of individuals, coming together to create a new family unit. Sometimes it appears that some stepfamilies never accept their members as family, no matter how long they have been together. Divorce and remarriage can be difficult for adult stepchildren to embrace, but whether they do is ultimately their choice. Communication regarding clear expectations and rules in a blended family helps ensure fair and equal treatment, as well as respect for stepsiblings and stepparents. The blended family is no different than any other family, with unique personalities coming together, but The Blended and Step Family Resource Center says it can be successful with loving and supportive adults at the helm.