Blended families find success in new marriage with loving and open hearts!

Blended family success is not a guarantee, but can be improved when parents open the doors of communication with children and put their new marriage at the center of the stepfamily. When two adults meet and fall in love the natural path is to marriage. If one or both adults have children from previous relationships they are creating a blended family or stepfamily. Though these adults may be madly in love, the feeling may not be mutual with stepkids who may in fact not like the new stepmom or stepdad at all, and may even feel threatened by their presence. Blended family success is achieved when parents realize its unique challenges and talk with children about concerns and expectations.

All you need is love!

Blended family success is supported when parents communicate that the love they had for their children before the remarriage has not diminished by the addition of the new stepparent and stepkids. When parents remarry, children may feel as if the parent does not love them as much as they love their new partner, and jealous feelings can emerge. When parents reach out every day to let their child or children know they are loved and valued, they no longer feel a need to compete in the stepfamily for affection. Stepmoms and stepdads can also remind children that there is enough love in their hearts to share with them, and that they hope it will help them grow as a family. Blended family success is an opportunity to give and receive more love.

Who is this stranger in my home?

Blended family success is a process that takes time and patience. Adults have had time to get to know one another, but children sometimes have not had that same sort of relationship building during the adult courtship. Remarriage can feel strange and confusing to stepkids. Stepkids may think they are in competition with the stepmom or stepdad, and view that person as the enemy. Giving children time to adjust to this new and sometimes uncomfortable situation is important. They should always be respectful and friendly, but also need space to get to know the new spouse. Stress to stepkids that stepfamilies are not about competition, and stepmoms and stepdads are not replacing a biological parent, or taking a biological parent away. As well, stepparents are not competing with a spouse for the affections of stepkids. Blended family success will flourish in a stepfamily that relaxes into the new relationship and gets to know one another.

Structure essential to blended family transition

Success in a blended family is not guaranteed, especially if the adults do not require that the children respect them. Every adult in the home, including step parents, should be respected by the children.

Establishing family rules and discussing these rules with biological children and stepkids will let everyone know the stepfamily expectations and show children a united front in your remarriage. Adults, regardless of whether they biological parents, or stepmom and stepdad, are always in charge of children. Secrets between parents and children or stepparent and stepkids can be destructive, so always keep your spouse in the loop when it comes to rule making and rule breaking. Sometimes, parents may feel children have already experienced huge upheaval with divorce, and hesitate to put more rules on them. This is a mistake. Children thrive with structure, especially when there are big changes, and will appreciate establishing and maintaining a routine in this time of transition. Blended family success begins with parental leadership.

Marriage is the heart of the family

The path to blended family success is not smooth, but a strong marriage that is nurtured and stable will help smooth the path. Marriages that put children at the center of the family are not often successful because couples lose focus of the loving relationship that created the family in the first place. In our busy lives it is easy to forget a spouse needs to be shown as much attention and love as the children. Even spending a few minutes alone every night before bed, talking about your day or going over plans for the next day, will contribute to a closer relationship and strengthen the stepfamily. Taking two or three nights a month alone with your spouse and going on a date night will even further add to the bond that you are building through remarriage. Children and stepkids thrive within a stable and strong marriage. Blended family success ultimately hinges on whether or not your marriage remains at the center of the stepfamily.

Blended family success is achieved when biological parents and stepmoms or stepdads open their hearts and keep open the lines of communication with stepkids. Stepkids and biological children in a stepfamily need to know they are loved and not in competition with stepmoms and stepdads. Establishing rules and maintaining structure helps stepkids know adult expectations and gives them a sense of order in a sometimes difficult and uncomfortable situation. Putting a marriage first, with loving adults at its center, is the key to building a stable and strong stepfamily, and can make a difference in whether or not you bring about blended family success.

The Blended and Step Family Resource Center has resources to help blended and stepfamilies, including licensed professional counselors who offer coaching and counseling to blended and stepfamilies, as well as those engaged to be married and become blended families. Founded in 2006 by internationally known author and conference speaker, Shirley Cress Dudley, the center focuses on the need for effective counseling and other resources aimed at helping blended and stepfamilies become strong and successful.

Remarriage is not a battleground when children are involved

Remarriage can be difficult, especially when hard feelings linger from a divorce. Sometimes parents will talk negatively about stepparents, or tell children they shouldn’t love the new stepmom or stepdad. This negative talk is confusing and unhelpful for children in a blended family. Remarriage should never be a constant battle for children’s affection, but rather an opportunity to show them how much love it is possible to give.

Remarried parents who take higher ground win the battle

When divorced spouses remarry it can sometimes trigger hostility toward the new stepdad or stepmom, especially if the divorce was tense and volatile. Sometimes, stepparents in a blended family feel as if they have to constantly defend themselves, playing a tit-for-tat game with the biological parent. When a biological parent tells a child he shouldn’t like or accept the new stepparent, or when the biological parent talks negatively about the blended family, it is very confusing. The last thing a child of divorce needs is to feel confused about the stepfamily situation or feel as if he or she has to take side. When faced with this dilemma, stepmoms or stepdads should let the child know that the behavior is not okay, while staying supportive of the biological parent’s role. Tell the stepchild, “Although we disagree with your mother [or father], we know that she [he] loves you.  We love you and want what's best for you.” This lets the child know that the adult’s behavior is not okay and reinforces that the child is loved. Remarriage and divorce are adult situations and children should never have to participate in negative talk about biological parents and stepparents.

Remarriage is not a competition

Behaving as a spoiled child and demanding love and attention over a stepmom or stepdad is never okay. If your blended family is having difficulty with a biological parent pressuring your stepchild or stepchildren to show them favoritism or more attention during school events, it is okay to address the situation with your stepkid, preferably in a neutral place and time. Stay positive about the biological parent and his or her irreplaceable role in the child’s life, and stress that you love the child too, and that this is okay. Remarriage does not have to be filled with constant conflict and stepparents take the high ground will help calm the rough waters.

Be the normal parent!

Remarriage that brings on hostile attacks and negative talk from the biological parent should be explained to children by acknowledging the jealous or destructive behavior without condemning the source. Let the stepchild know that adults get jealous sometimes, just like children, but that there is enough love to go around for everyone. Remind children that stepparents have enough love to help raise them to be successful people, and strive to set a good example as the constant, normal parents. Remarriage is not about winning over the child, it is about helping them understand what is going on around them in a calm and collected manner. Reinforce the blended family expectations and discuss how difficult it is for adults to deal with the complicated emotions of divorce and remarriage.

If you need advice with your blended or stepfamily, The Blended and Step Family Resource Center is ready to assist you with its counseling and coaching services, as well as other resources aimed at promoting strong and successful blended and stepfamilies. Contact us today and let us help to provide you with answers.

Keeping the house rules when adult children return to the blended family

Even adult children returning home to a blended family benefit from some rules and boundaries, according to The Blended and Step Family Resource Center in Charlotte, North Carolina.  Adult stepchildren graduating from college today face a tough job market in which to succeed.  College kids are returning home, for a place to stay until they can launch their careers. Even tougher, are the kids who return to a blended family, one with a new step parent and step siblings. According to The Blended and Step Family Resource Center, boundaries and rules established and agreed upon, before adult stepchildren return to the nest, are essential for the successful blended family. Adult stepchildren can function well living at home with stepparents when presented with clear expectations.

Focus on the positive in your blended family

Focus on the positive when adult children ask to return home. Adult children, in most cases, don't want to ask biological parents if they can move in with a stepfamily, and you might consider it a compliment to your successful remarriage when they do. Clearly, your adult child feels comfortable living with the stepparent, and that is flattering. The Blended and Step Family Resource Center recommends that stepmom or stepdad acknowledge the compliment, and make sure to let the adult stepchild know you are eager to spend more time with him. As well, after the biological parent and stepparent agree upon a set of rules and boundaries, biological parents should lead a discussion about them with the adult stepchild in advance of the move-in date. Adult stepchildren are often willing to comply with rules when they know biological parents and stepparents are happy to have them around.

Rules and boundaries should be reasonable and consistent

Adult stepchildren are, technically, adults, and should be treated as such. However, according to The Blended and Stepfamily Resource Center, and author Shirley Cress Dudley, the adult stepchild who has returned home and is dependent upon the biological parent and stepmom or stepdad, should obey and respect parental authority. Rules and boundaries agreed upon in advance could include guidelines for

-dining and laundry

-a discussion of career plans

-an agreement to actively search and find a job by within a set period

-housekeeping chores

-an agreement to pay rent after six months

-an agreement to a raise in rent after 12 months

-guidelines for guests

-an expectation of quiet after a designated time or else a curfew will be

established

-and an expectation that adults will be treated with respect.

Other discussion topics could include the use of an auto as well as guidelines for gas, insurance, and upkeep; smoking, drinking and girlfriend or boyfriend visits; as well as private time for parent and stepparent. Adult stepchildren who bend or even break established rules should be held accountable with another scheduled family meeting.

Road to independence should be paved with love and encouragement for your adult child

Adult stepchildren moving home is not unusual in light of the job market, and he or she should not be made to feel as if they have failed at adulthood. This won't help a stepchild and it certainly won't bode well for the blended family. Once rules and boundaries have been agreed upon in a stepfamily, welcome and encourage your adult stepchild into the remarriage. Make sure he spends individual time with his biological parent and offer positive support in his job search. Stepchildren, especially adult stepchildren, need their own space, and should be afforded privacy and respect of their belongings by other stepkids. Adultstepchildren who return to the home may need extra help on the road toindependence; stepmoms and stepdads who are part of that journey pave the way to a smooth stepfamily existence.

Adult stepchildren who return home are an unfortunate result of the economic downturn, but it doesn't have to be a miserable experience. The Blended and Step Family Resource Center recommends biological and stepparents discuss and agree upon rules, before the adult stepchild moves in. An adult stepchild is usually amenable to parental guidelines when the discussion is led by the biological parent and assisted by the stepparent. Adult children who return home to a blended family can find success and independence within a remarriage when expectations are clear and rules are well planned.

Blended families are all compatible with love and care, says The Blended and Step Family Resource Center!

The blended family and stepfamily that finds the most success is one with committed parents at the helm who love and respect each stepfamily member as unique individuals. Some blended families are together for years and still don't find themselves compatible. It is not easy for two different families to come together, especially when stepkids are adults and beginning their own families. The blended family, just like any other family, needs clear guidelines and expectations communicated from the start to ensure success.

Blended family with adult stepkids faces unique challenges

The blended family with adult stepkids may not seem to blend as readily as with underage children because the adult stepchild has moved out and moved on with her life, possibly having her own children. Divorce is difficult at any time in life, and a stepmom or stepdad can be a particular challenge for adult stepkids to accept when they are no longer at home and experiencing the remarriage process. It is okay for an adult stepchild to not feel bonded with a stepfamily, but it isn't okay to not respect the stepparent as their parent's spouse. When grandchildren are involved, it can be confusing for them to see other grandparents treated differently; it merely limits the love for the stepkid and their children, not the stepmom or stepdad. The blended family has enough love to include adult stepkids and their spouses and children.

Fair and equal treatment of children essential for compatibility

The blended family works best when all children receive a fair amount of attention and equal treatment by adults. Parents should communicate clear rules and guidelines to children, and remind stepchildren to treat them and each other the way they wish to be treated. It's best not to have different rules for different children. When rules and guidelines are established and enforced fairly between all children in a remarriage, the stepfamily functions as one unit. When house rules are broken, the biological parent should always enforce the rules with the support of the stepparent. Children should show respect for stepsiblings and stepparents at all times, and rudeness should never be tolerated. According to The Blended and Step Family Resource Center, a blended family falling into all out war is never the fault of the child.  It is the responsibility of the parents to communicate rules and expectations.

Blending not a matter of personality or incompatibility

The blended family is like any other family, rife with unique personalities that sometimes clash. When children are born, parents are immediately bonded with that child no matter how challenging the personality; it should be no different for a stepfamily. However, as biological parents may sometimes not like their child's behavior or specific personality traits, the same can be said for the blended family. BFA says that love and acceptance from a stepmom or stepdad goes a long way toward forging a bond with stepkids in a blended family.

The blended family is a unique group of individuals, coming together to create a new family unit. Sometimes it appears that some stepfamilies never accept their members as family, no matter how long they have been together. Divorce and remarriage can be difficult for adult stepchildren to embrace, but whether they do is ultimately their choice. Communication regarding clear expectations and rules in a blended family helps ensure fair and equal treatment, as well as respect for stepsiblings and stepparents. The blended family is no different than any other family, with unique personalities coming together, but The Blended and Step Family Resource Center says it can be successful with loving and supportive adults at the helm.